That Bearded Mofo

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And Now Thanks And Giving From The Joker Beast...

Only two games left in the season. Looks like half the teams know their fate while the other 6 are vying for the four remaining spots.


Now more than ever, losing is not an option.

As you get ready to settle up to the table this Thursday and eat until your innie becomes and outie, remember what you're thankful for. I'm thankful I haven't needed Antonio Gates in order to win the last three weeks. *sniffle* I miss that point-scoring bastard.

Let's dig into the Joker Beast emailbag and see what you've told me you're thankful for this holiday season.

R. Seymour from Oakland writes,
I'm thankful I wasn't suspended for popping Roethlisberger. He was trying to rape me, you know.

Donovan M. from D.C. writes,
I'm thankful my agent had the cardiovascular conditioning to get my contract signed before that Monday night game against the Eagles.

Greg O. from Portland writes,
I'm thankful I've lived my childhood dream of playing a season of games in the NBA.
JB: Stretched over 4 years.

Demerrio G. from Gladiators HQ writes,
I'm thankful there isn't a spelling test for the players on my team: LaDainian, Ajirotutu, Moeaki, Gostkowski, Quarless...

Randy M. from Tennessee, Minnesota, New England, Oakland, and Minnesota writes,

JB: Oh. I guess we're not gonna hear from him anymore.

M. Singletary from Frisco writes,
I'm thankful all the teams in our division lost this week. And I'm thankful that we weren't the only team that scored 0 this week. And I'm thankful that we-- You're still thinking about me looking like a ninja turtle aren't you?
JB: Yep.

John C. from footBALLS DEEP HQ writes,
I'm thankful the Texans keep having tough losses. Makes them rely on Andre Johnson a whole lot more.

Marvin L. from Cincinnati writes,
I'm thankful we don't play the Packers this week. They get coaches fired.
JB: Why haven't you been fired by now?

Terrell O. from The 'Nati writes,
I'm thankful I got away from losing with the Bills.
JB: And went to losing to them.

Alphonso W. from Madden Curse HQ writes,
I'm thankful this garbage season is almost over.

Mike S. from Gridy HQ writes,
I'm thankful I'm going to make the playoffs for the first time. I think.

Anton M. from Light It Up HQ writes,
I'm thankful I no longer have to worry about the pressures of a repeat.

B. St. Pierre from Carolina writes,
I'm thankful that having only played 2 games in 8 years and a career passing total of 12 yards was enough to get me pulled off the couch and into the Panther's starting lineup.

D. Culpepper from Who Knows Where writes,
I'm thankful that playing for a UFL team keeps me from having to play for the Panthers.

Four Loko from The Store writes,
I'm thankful yougonnaputmeonyourtablesforTHANKSGIVINGYEEAAAH!!! We'llgetitcrunkupinhurr... Upinhurr! Woo! Y'all go'n make me lose my mind, upinhurr, upinhurr! Y'all go'n make me go all out, upinhurr, upinhurr! HahahahaYouwatchGlee? I... love... that... show. And Legos. LEGGOMYEGGO!
JB: We're gonna put that down and move on.

Dan M. from STLiens HQ writes,
I'm thankful for Reggie Wayne. ... What? I can be thankful for Reggie Wayne.

Nathaniel H. from Diablo Negro HQ writes,
I'm thankful I don't have to deal with anymore player injuries. ... Hold on a second. What'd they just say about Hakeem Nicks?

Ryan B. from Team Perfection HQ writes,
I'm thankful I got Brandon Lloyd in round 11 of the draft. Averaging 19.5, suckas!
Excerpts from Joker Beast's draft day column:
"Team Perfection has Brandon Lloyd. ... Who is that?"
"No, seriously, who the hell is Brandon Lloyd?"

JB: Clearly, I'm no fantasy psychic. But who is nowadays? No one.

G. Oden from Oregon writes,
I'm thankful nobody has done a background check to discover that I was actually born in 1956.
JB: Wait a minute... Didn't I hear from you already?

Saint Louis from The Show-Me State writes,
I'm thankful... I'm thankful that God has granted me the strength to keep me from stomping out these mofos that keep ranking me among the most dangerous cities. Number 1 most dangerous city of 2010?! Where do they get the stones? I went to Washington, DC once and saw a bartender punch a nun in the throat. And they were both pregnant. That's safer than me??!! I'm a gentle guy. I got a river. I got the arch, a symbol of peace, bridging the two coasts of this wonderful nation. Don't make me rip each of your fingers off, stuff 'em up your nose, your ears, in here, in there, down your throat. 'Cause I'll do it. It's not a threat; it's a promise that I will eat your children. You're dead! You hear me? You scumsuckers are dead if I see my name on that list one more time. Just one more time and your momma's gonna cry black tears of pain as I rain fiery death upon all your houses. And you will regret the day that any of your ancestors were born! [Ahem] And I am thankful to be the heartbeat of America.
JB: !O_o! Again?

That's all from the emailbag this thank-you week. But I'd love to hear replies of what you're thankful for (or what you think others are thankful for).

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Except my opponent.

~Turkey Beast~

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