And Now Naked Gunning With The Joker Beast...
Surely, the season can't be ending already? But, it is. And don't call me Shirley. A lot has happened in twelve weeks. My eyes have been opened to things I've never noticed before. Kat Stacks... Cam Newton... Stoplights.
It's time to cover the events of 2010 with my traditional season wrap-up rap. This time--
Hey look! It's Enrico Pallazzo!
Sorry. As I was saying, this year's rap is in the style of Kanye West's hit "Runaway" and it features a guest appearance by T-Bizzle. Enjoy:
Bench 'Em
[Piano Key Intro]
And you always do, yeah, you always do somethin' wrong
You been starting the wrong damn players just waaay too long
Spent too much time on all the fantasy hosts
So I think it's time for us to have a toast
Let's have a toast for the screw-ups,
Let's have a toast for the blown calls,
Let's have a toast for the big plays,
All two of them that I saw
Let's have a toast to the kickoffs
Except the ones in which your team lost
Man, I got a plan
Bench 'em as fast as you can
[J-Beast]
What the hell happened in Twenty-Ten?
Brett text that girl a picture of his dick
Richard Seymour knuckled Big Ben
And there was 60 points from Michael Vick
Junior Seau drove right off a cliff
And that sent Charlie Sheen into a rampage
Thirty teams passed on Randy Moss
But everybody got a chance at Reggie Wayne
See, you always do
And you always do
Yeah, you always do somethin' wrong
You been starting the wrong damn players just waaay too long
Spent too much time on all the fantasy hosts
So I think it's time for us to have a toast
Let's have a toast for the screw-ups,
Let's have a toast for the blown calls,
Let's have a toast for the big plays,
All two of them that I saw
Let's have a toast to the kickoffs
Except the ones in which your team lost
Man, I got a plan
Bench 'em as fast as you can
[J-Beast]
Gotta bench Randy Moss now...
Bench him now!
Gotta bench Ronnie Brown now...
Oooh, Bench him now!
If Favre looks shady...why can't you just bench him now?
Man, I got a plan
Bench 'em as fast as you can
[T-Bizzle]
24-7-365: the number of Cromartie's childs
Ha ha ha, I said it. Vince Jax said "Forget it.
I'm back with the Bolts. It's just money. Don't sweat it."
LaGarrette Blount jumpin' and jukin'. Get your rocks off
With Four Loko, get you postal like a box drop,
Drop it off. Tea Party, just knock it off.
Stop your racists signs and mouths from poppin off.
McRib back, but you really want that in your teeth?
Phony baloney like the Jay-Z and Hammer beef
Wasn't true that Kim and Bieber got closer
But Green Mile put a kid in Omarosa
Halladay pitched a post-season no-sir
Houshmandzadeh on a missing person poster
McNabb benched while Grossman got grosser
Let's make sense with the fantasy Jokester
[J-Beast]
Greg Oden is the MVP of surgery
Wade Phillips had to say goodbye
Kerry Washington's my fantasy
That's a joke that never gets tired
They said St. Louis is most danger-y
And Ochocinco cereal had a sex line
But the thing of 2010 that's killin' me
Was "The Rent Is Too Damn High!"
See, you always do
And you always do
Yeah, you always do somethin' wrong
You been starting the wrong damn players just waaay too long
Spent too much time on all the fantasy hosts
So I think it's time for us to have a toast
Let's have a toast for the screw-ups,
Let's have a toast for the blown calls,
Let's have a toast for the big plays,
All two of them that I saw
Let's have a toast to the kickoffs
Except the ones in which your team lost
Man, I got a plan
Bench 'em as fast as you can
And there you have it. I know some of you can relate to the benching, because this season...psssh! Boy, is it some kind of bust. Yes, it's very impressive, but we need to continue with this post. As far as the playoffs are concerned, the doctors say most of you have a 50/50 chance of making it. But there's only a 10 percent chance of that.
Going into the last game, here's how the playoffs stand:
The Joker Beast: I'm in.
footBALLS DEEP: you're in.
Hitmen: you're in.
STLiens: you're in.
That's it. The same as last week. Only four teams have secured their spot in the playoffs. The truth hurts, doesn't it? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.
Whatever happens this week, these four will keep the top four seeds. STLiens and footBALLS DEEP are neck and neck for the conference lead, while The Joker Beast and Hitmen are separated by a game and 57 points. But more interestingly...
There is currently a five-way tie for fourth place, meaning one of these 6-6 teams will be left on the outside looking in. The ranking is as follows.
5. Team Perfection (1327)
6. Savage Life (1310.5)
7. Gridy (1284)
8. Dub, Pope (1216.5)
9. Diablo Negro (1186)
Of the five, only Gridy and Dub, Pope play each other. So one of these two is definitely in. All three of the other teams are playing against higher seeds with two-game leads, making Week 13 no cake walk. That means, if Team Perfection, Savage Life, and Diablo Negro all lose, for the first time ever, we will have three below .500 teams make the playoffs. That never happened even back in the 10-team league days when 4-9 teams made the playoffs.
It's tight. And whoever ends up last will feel like he's been hit with a poison dart. And fallen off a building. And run over by a car. Then a steamroller. And trampled by a marching band. It's so horrible... My father went the same way.
And once again, we've come to the end.
Which is a new beginning.
It's been my pleasure to write for you.
And to beat you mercilessly.
Until the next season...
...which is the post-season.
~Lieutenant Drebin Beast~