TBM Got Your Backronyms Right Heeeree!
Ahhhh, another Week 1 win for That Bearded Motherf**ker. I haven't lost a season opener since the team's name was Krush Groove. (Go ahead. Look it up.)
Let me be the first to say, what the sh*tty f*ck is up with this gaudy-ass website? Everybody hates it. Folks at my job who use it hate it. It's momma hates it.
As usual, Week 1 was filled with lingering injuries (Manning, Foster), surprise injuries ( S-Jax, Amendola, Kaeding), unexpected breakouts (Tolbert, Newton, Steve Smith, 49ers Def), ridiculous underperformances (Mendenhall, Chris Johnson, Moreno, Bowe, Harvin), and utter beatdowns (HOU on IND, BAL on PIT, MAC on Gridy). And if you won your game, you loved every minute of it.
Congratulations to the winners. And to the losers, there's always next week. (Side note: There's no next week for you, Savage Life. Your win streak ends.)
Let's get to the end of this thing already, shall we. You know how the NFL stands for the "No Fun League"? Of course it doesn't actually stand for that. That's a backronym: when you make an acronym out of an existing word. Like how a Ford vehicle means Found On Road Dead. Here's a few that I've come up with.
(Ryan) GRANT
Gimme Runs And No Touchdowns
P. MANNING
Pretty Much Assume No Neck Is Not Good
Or...
Player Many Acquired, Now Neck Injury News??? Garbage!!
(Mike) TOLBERT
Told One Lucky Bastard Expect Ridiculous Touchdowns
Or...
Tweaked
Old
Ligament
But
Everything's
Right
Though
LIONS
Losing
Is
Over.
Now
Spread'em!
Seriously, though... Their next three games are Chiefs, Vikings, and Cowboys. If you don't have a Lion on your team, you betta get one.
PALMER
Punk
Ass
Lost
Myself
Employment,
Ribbit.
I added "ribbit" because I think Palmer looks like a frog.
Okay, he doesn't look like a frog. But wouldn't it be funny if people who do look like frogs ended every sentence with "ribbit"? Here's a list of people I think look like frogs:
Steve Buscemi
Tracy Ellis Ross
Vince the Sham-Wow Guy
Illeana Douglas
Judy from work
Steve Urkel (Not Jaleel White. Literally Steve Urkel.)
RAMS
Ruined
Another
Muthaf**kin'
Season
*sigh*
Rams went from "on the cusp of winning the division" to "gonna be the whipping boy of the division" all because we had to play the dang 'ol "dream team" first week and get everybody on the offense injured. It's the curse of Rush Limbaugh, I tell you. When we didn't let that fat bastard buy the team, he put some voodoo on us. He shook his jowls and man-titty dust over a Marshall Faulk jersey and cursed us to hell. I know he did.
I just know he did.
Also, add him to the frog list.
That's all from me this week. Next week... The Screwys?
~That Backro Mofo~