That Bearded Mofo

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TBM: Emmy Schmemmy. Gimme An Award.

Jamaal Charles.
Michael Vick.
Aaron Hernandez.
Felix Jones.
Tony Romo.
Miles Austin.
Nick Collins.

What a weekend. Did anybody not get hurt?... I know some of you did. 'Cause of those bums. Those stinking stupid players not getting the stinking stupid points you stinking stupid needed. Stinking stink stupid stinks.

Let's give 'em some prizes!

Welcome to the 1001st Annual 2011 Screwy Awards! Once again we celebrate the stars that cheap-shotted you in the face and left your team knocked flat on the mat.

As a testament to how effed up this injury-riddled weekend was, we've got a lot of nominees from winning teams. We've got Arian Foster in the audience. Arian Foster, ladies and gentlemen.

{audience claps}

Don't stand up, Arian! Don't you make a move. Leave that leg alone. You got 200,000 fantasy owners ready to hang themselves. You're supposed to kill defenders, not office workers.

We've got Antonio Gates, a first-time Screwy Awards nominee.

{audience claps}

Gates was targeted twice in the game against the Patriots. Only two balls came his way. Or as Kim Kardashian calls it: a slow hour. I kid. Kim is married now and her husband doesn't have balls.

Mike Williams is here. Mike Williams, everybody.

{audience claps}

Mike, you had one catch Sunday for -4 yards. You had one point. One point! And the Seahawks just called; they would like to buy it from you.

Let's get on with the Screwys!

The "Jimmy Clausen Who?" Award - Quarterbacks
Joe Flacco, 11 pts
Matt Cassel, -1 pt

And the Screwy goes to Joe Flacco.
It's deja vu all over again as Flacco won the Screwy last year this very week and only because he was the lowest scoring quarterback that started for a team. Cassel's negative number stinker played out on the bench while Flacco's low double-digit effort cost Gladiators his first win of the season. But still...

Negative one...

Yeah, Flacco, gimme that trophy back again. Here you go, Cassel. It's the only trophy you or the Chiefs will be hoisting anytime soon.

The "White Castle Give You The Runs" Award - Running Backs
Cedric Benson, 7.5 pts
Felix Jones, 2.5 pts
Arian Foster, 4 pts

And the Screwy goes to Felix Jones.
Flacco's fantasy teammate, and, like Flacco, the only nominee at this position that was on a losing fantasy team. Felix, you ain't, uh, what's the word I'm looking for? Good. You kinda stink. You do know you're not sharing time with Marion Barber the 3rd anymore, right? If you're the guy, be the guy.

The "Betty White Stretch The Field" Award - Wide Receivers
Braylon Edwards, 3 pts
Mike Williams, 1 pt
Plaxico Burress, 0 pts
DeSean Jackson, 4 pts
Julio Jones, 4 pts

And the Screwy goes to...Everybody? Nah, I can't do that. Too many good choices here, though. I mean, DeSean Jackson gets 4 points just sitting up in bed in the morning. The Screwy goes to Plaxico Burress.
Because you--yes, you reading this right now--earned as many fantasy points as Plaxico this weekend and you didn't even leave your couch.

The "Jim Leyland Dirty Tighty Whiteys" Award - Tight Ends
Vernon Davis, 3 pts
Antonio Gates, 0 pts
Brandon Pettigrew, 1 pt

And the Screwy goes to Antonio Gates.
Because, g*dd*mmit, you didn't leave your couch!

The "David Garrard Kick Rocks" Award - Kickers
Matt Bryant, 5 pts
Dan Carpenter, 3 pts
Josh Scobee, 5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Dan Carpenter.
It's kickers. I mean, how many points do you expect them to get?

The "Bait Car No Defense" Award - Defense/Special Teams
San Francisco 49ers, 5 pts
Chicago Bears, 6 pts
Oakland Raiders, 1 pt
Baltimore Ravens, 4 pts

And the Screwy goes to the Oakland Raiders.
Did you see Vince Wilfork intercept Philip Rivers??? He is a BIG FAT man. He don't got a belly, he got a bbelly. You need two b's to describe it. But I digress. The Raiders continue to pillage and plunder and steal all those defeats from the jaws of victory. And for that, we reward them. With a garbage award.

Bvery bgood.

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Matthew Stafford, 36 pts for gassing Gladiators
Mike Wallace, 26 pts for getting Gridy
Drew Brees, 31 pts for bucking Black Magic
Miles Austin, 41 pts for severing Savage Life
Vincent Jackson, 39 pts for stupefying STLiens
Larry Fitzgerald, 26 pts for horrifying Hitmen

And the Screwy goes to...hmm...
This is really a three-way race between Stafford, Austin, and Jackson. But if the least points make you a star, then the most points have to make you the bastard. The Screwy goes to Miles Austin.
And you got hurt doing it. Which kinda makes you a fantasy bastard for your owner too. Naaah I can't be mad at you. You won me the game!

The "Victor Ortiz Bad Decision Headbutt" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Adam Vinatieri, 15 pts
New York Jets, 19 pts
Jahvid Best, 26 pts
Kenny Britt, 28 pts
Jeremy Maclin, 42 pts
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 31 pts
A.J. Green, 28 pts
Ryan Mathews, 21.5 pts
Washington Redskins, 15 pts

Honorable Mention : Cam Newton, 32 pts

And the Screwy goes to Jeremy Maclin.
As usual, some biiig time bench points. Britt, Green, Best, wow. Fitzpatrick, woah. But you can't argue with 42 points. You also can't count 42 points if they're on the damn bench.

Well, it's time to pay the babysitter and return that unopened bottle of Cristal to the store. We've come to the end of another Screwy ceremony.

Good night and God bless.

~That Bearded Mofo~

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