That Bearded Mofo

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TBM: Definest In All De Land

What a week.

Only in a week like this can scoring 137 points leave you 49 points short. What a week.

Only in a week like this can a running back be declared the starter and end up with negative points.

What a week.

Only in a week like this--I HATE THIS MUTHAF**KIN WEEK!

But, once again, I digress...

Congratulations to all us real champions this week: the losers. For without us, there would be no winners. And for all of you who are just into football for the fantasy numbers, here's a little something to help you understand the real game a little better. Here are 7 definitions to put some game in your game.

Definition: A single player on the offense who is permitted to move prior to the snap.
In a sentence: Ex-lax is known to keep a man-in-motion.

Definition: When a ball carrier is tackled in his own end zone. The defense earns 2 points and receives the ball on offense.
In a sentence: The censor man feels no safety when Ozzie Guillen gets on the microphone.

Suicide Squad
Definition: The group of players during kicks and punts that run down the field and try to break through the wedge created by the return team.
In a sentence: The Kansas City Chiefs are a suicide squad; they should kill themselves.

Red Zone
Definition: The imaginary area between the defense's 20-yard line and its goal line from which the offense is most likely to score points.
In a sentence: If she's got a red zone, leave that sh*t alone.

Definition: Interception; A pass caught in the air by a defender whose team immediately gains possession of the ball and becomes the offense.
In a sentence: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but, for God sakes, don't pick a Republican.

Definition: When a player gains possession of the ball in his own end zone and kneels, automatically starting the next play at his own 20-yard line. Also awarded if the opponent kicks the ball across the end line.
In a sentence: If I reached out to Kerry Washington, I wonder if she would touchback.

You knew I couldn't go without a Kerry Washington shout out.

Definition: A technique used by pass defenders where they hit a receiver once within 5 yards of the line of scrimmage to slow him down, then follow him to prevent him from catching a pass.
In a sentence: Hot grits made Al Green's skin bump-and-run oily puss down his back.

I apologize. I've grossed myself out.

Combo: She killed the mood when she picked that bump-and-run her finger across my man-in--

Nope. That's the worst. Can't do it.

Next week's matchups include Who Gives A Shit versus I Don't Know. Meanwhile What? takes on Just Stop and weekly favorite Nope goes head to head with Ahhh, Fuck It.

In the sake of brevity,

~That Sleepy Mofo~

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