TBM: Definest In All De Land
What a week.
Only in a week like this can scoring 137 points leave you 49 points short. What a week.
Only in a week like this can a running back be declared the starter and end up with negative points.
What a week.
Only in a week like this--I HATE THIS MUTHAF**KIN WEEK!
But, once again, I digress...
Congratulations to all us real champions this week: the losers. For without us, there would be no winners. And for all of you who are just into football for the fantasy numbers, here's a little something to help you understand the real game a little better. Here are 7 definitions to put some game in your game.
Definition: A single player on the offense who is permitted to move prior to the snap.
In a sentence: Ex-lax is known to keep a man-in-motion.
Definition: When a ball carrier is tackled in his own end zone. The defense earns 2 points and receives the ball on offense.
In a sentence: The censor man feels no safety when Ozzie Guillen gets on the microphone.
Definition: The group of players during kicks and punts that run down the field and try to break through the wedge created by the return team.
In a sentence: The Kansas City Chiefs are a suicide squad; they should kill themselves.
Definition: The imaginary area between the defense's 20-yard line and its goal line from which the offense is most likely to score points.
In a sentence: If she's got a red zone, leave that sh*t alone.
Definition: Interception; A pass caught in the air by a defender whose team immediately gains possession of the ball and becomes the offense.
In a sentence: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but, for God sakes, don't pick a Republican.
Definition: When a player gains possession of the ball in his own end zone and kneels, automatically starting the next play at his own 20-yard line. Also awarded if the opponent kicks the ball across the end line.
In a sentence: If I reached out to Kerry Washington, I wonder if she would touchback.
You knew I couldn't go without a Kerry Washington shout out.
Definition: A technique used by pass defenders where they hit a receiver once within 5 yards of the line of scrimmage to slow him down, then follow him to prevent him from catching a pass.
In a sentence: Hot grits made Al Green's skin bump-and-run oily puss down his back.
I apologize. I've grossed myself out.
Combo: She killed the mood when she picked that bump-and-run her finger across my man-in--
Nope. That's the worst. Can't do it.
Next week's matchups include Who Gives A Shit versus I Don't Know. Meanwhile What? takes on Just Stop and weekly favorite Nope goes head to head with Ahhh, Fuck It.
In the sake of brevity,
~That Sleepy Mofo~