TBM: Just Win, Baby!
Cause for celebration! The Rams didn't lose this week! Yeaaaah! Pop the bubbly!
So what they didn't play. They didn't lose and that's what counts.
But you lost. Yeah you. You lost bad too. How's about a reminder of why you lost?
You don't want a reminder? Oh...
Too bad.
*singing* It's the Screwwwwys... Soon they'll be making another run... The Screwwwwys...
Now's the time when we celebrate those blankety-blanks that blanked you blank. It's time for the 54Pth Annual Screwy Awards! Let's get it cracking with our first group of nominees.
The "Brett Favre Hates Aaron Rodgers' Guts" Award - Quarterback
Josh Freeman, 5 pts
Botch Freeman, 5 pts
Crotch Freeman, 5 pts
Josh Freeman is a stinky crotch, 5 pts
And the Screwy goes to Josh Freeman.
The only starting fantasy QB that didn't crack double digits. Freeman must feel like a pin cushion what with all the fantasy owners staring daggers into him this weekend. Your quarterback only scoring 5 points hurts. His backup scoring nearly 8 times as much on the bench hurts nearly 8 times as much.
The "Peyton Hillis Strep Throat" Award - Running Backs
LeGarrette Blount, 7 pts
Kendall Hunter, 6 pts
Michael Turner, 11 pts
And the Screwy goes to Kendall Hunter.
I'm not sure who that is.
The "Oscar De La Hoya Caught A Run In His Fishnet Stockings" Award - Wide Receivers
Vincent Jackson, 6 pts
Michael Crabtree, 5 pts
Brandon Lloyd, 3 pts
Jacoby Jones, 1 pt
Julio Jones, 3 pts
Nate Burleson, 1 pt
Antonio Brown, 5 pts
Jordy Nelson, 4 pts
And the Screwy goes to Nate Burleson.
With all those nominees, no time for an acceptance speech. Cue the music...
The "Pam Oliver's Tight End" Award - Tight Ends
Scott Chandler, 1 pt
Not Chandler, 1 pt
Snot Handler, 1 pt
Got Manhair, 1 pt
Schmott Schmandler, 1 pt
And the Screwy goes to Scott Chandler.
Congratulations Scotty. On a fantasy team whose best receiver scored 6 points, you managed to be the dud of the week.
The "Al Davis Kick The Bucket" Award - Kickers (Too soon?)
Lawrence Tynes, 5 pts
Mike Nugent, 4 pts
Matt Bryant, 2 pts
And the Screwy goes to Matt Bryant.
Another win for Team Perfection. (At least he's winning something this week, amIright?) Perfection's 3 WRs, TE, and K combined for 16 points, less than their single RB teammate Arian Foster. Also less than the opposing team's 3rd highest scorer. But if Screwy nominations were points, Team Perfection would be kicking everyone's bootays this week, so that's...that's something. ... Right?
The "Bart Scott CAN'T WAIT To Lose Three Straight" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Chargers, 5 pts
Saints, 5 pts
Lions, 7 pts
And the Screwy goes to... Hmm. With a race this close, it will take astute methodical analysis to decide the winner. ... Eeny meeny miney mo... Chargers win!
Deep statistical analysis can't be wrong.
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass (Too soon?)
Eli Manning, 32 pts for manipulating Madden Curse
Calvin Johnson, 24 pts for maddening Madden Curse
Aaron Rodgers, 31 pts for toppling Team Perfection
Adrian Peterson, 30 pts for terrorizing Team Perfection
Matt Schaub, 28 pts for stumbling STLiens
Jason Campbell, 19 pts for mastering Mac Attack
Fred Jackson, 28 pts for blasting Black Francis Soyer
49ers, 22 pts for blacklisting Black Francis Soyer
Jimmy Graham, 20 pts for black-eyeing Black Magic
And the Screwy goes to Eli Manning.
Because 32 is exactly how much Madden Curse lost by.
The "Brady Quinn? Who? Ohhh, That Guy. Yeah, Yeah. I Think I Remember Him. Why?" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
BenJarvus Green-Ellis, 26.5 pts
Cam Newton, 29 pts
Ben Roethlisberger, 39 pts
Pierre Garcon, 29 pts
Victor Cruz, 28 pts
Deion Branch, 20 pts
And the Screwy goes to Ben Roethlisberger.
Which means Madden Curse won the most Screwys... Which screws Team Perfection out of the Screwy title... Which is itself a Screwy, maybe?... I don't know how this works.
Well, time to tip the limo driver and get that suit back to Rent-A-Tux. That's all for this edition of the Screwys.
But before I go, last week I mentioned there were 3 division-lead battles slated for week 5. What were the results?
North Division: Gladiators beat Black Francis Soyer to move up to the top slot.
South Division: Savage Life beat Team Perfection to maintain the top slot.
West Division: That Bearded Mofo didn't stomp a mudhole in Mac Attack, but did break their tied record to cleanly move up to the top slot.
In Week 6 the North Division plays the East Division while the South Division matches up against the West. Not the best opportunity to climb up in your conference, but in a 13 game season, every game counts.
See you next week folks.
~That Unshaven Mofo~