TBM: Mailing It In
Week 6 is in the books which means fantasy football is just about halfway over. By now, it should be clear if you've got a good team or not. Unless you're in denial.
Notables from the week
Bye week season proved to be in full bloom as no fantasy team broke the 120 mark this week.
Michael "The Burner" Turner and Ahmad "The Mad Straw" Bradshaw both went off but failed to deliver wins to their owners Black Magic and Black Francis Soyer. (It's because you're black.)
The best record in the South Division (Savage Life, 3-3) still ranks lower than the worst record in the North Division (Madden Curse, 3-3). I won't go into who all stands where, right now. That's for next week.
Today, let's reach into the old Joker Bea--I mean, Bearded Mofo mailbag and see what all the fans are talking about.
J. Harbaugh from San Francisco writes,
I didn't mean to shake the other coach's hand that hard after my guys beat the snot outta his guys Sunday, but I figured, "he's a man. He can take it." But, I mean, if he's looking for an apology... Well.
TBM: You know, that's not really an apology--Wait... Coach of San Francisco? What happened to the other guy? The one that looked like a Ninja Turtle? I loved making fun of him.
Tony S. from Miami writes,
Mofo, will I be the first coach to get fired this seas--
TBM: Yes.
Dan M. from STLiens HQ writes,
Man, I got Michael Vick, Steven Jackson, and Tony Gonzalez. So how come I'm not winning?
TBM: 'Cause they're not winning.
C. Sheen from Mount Olympus writes,
I'm winning.
TBM: Eh...
Anton M. from Mac Attack HQ writes,
I'm liking this season much better than last year. I'm coming back for my trophy!
Nathaniel H. from Black Magic HQ writes,
Win? When? When, win?! When?!?!!
TBM: You've had 3 championships. Ain't nobody feeling your pain.
Wilma McN. from (I guess) Minnesota writes,
Why did NBC have to show me walking out on my baby's game? And why'd Chris Collinsworth have to point it out on national TV? I didn't want to see that sh--tuff. Some guy just went and shoved my baby down. That's not tackling.
J. Peppers from Chicago writes,
Hey, you see how I just push-sacked McNabb Sunday night? Ahhh, that was fun.
TBM: You owe his mama an apology.
Ryan B. from Team Perfection HQ writes,
Got my players back from bye so I'm planning on beating your ass next week.
TBM: Hahahahahahaha...
Demarco D. from Hitmen HQ writes,
I don't even need Peyton Manning to wreck shop. Unlike the Colts.
TBM: ...hahahahahahaaaaa. Sorry. I'm still laughing at the previous letter.
A.J. Hawk from Green Bay writes,
I flipped my teammates the bird during Sunday's game against the Rams. It's a running gag. You think I'm gonna get fined for that?
TBM: The Rams flip St. Louis the bird every week by losing. If they're not getting fined, why should you?
Terry W. from That Bearded Mofo HQ writes,
I don't... I mean, I'm you, so... I don't really got nothing to say here.
TBM: Good talk.
Vince Y. from Philadelphia writes,
I slipped up and said "Dream Team" then we lost 4 straight and people won't let it go.
TBM: Well, you know how it is. Everybody pays attention to what the 3rd string quarterback says. I mean, Brady Quinn's getting quoted all the time, right?
C. Tucker from Hollywood writes,
Man, this economy is crazy. I got a 6 million dollar house that's getting foreclosed on. This can't be happenin'. I made 20 million dollars on each of those Jackie Chan movies. I used to hang with Michael Jackson. I'm stressing out man. Barack, do something! Man, I don't know what to do.
TBM: Look... I know you don't cuss anymore. I know this. But I'ma get you to scream it out today. 'Cause it's Monday. You ain't got no job. And you ain't got sh*t else to do.
Researchers from the London School of Hygiene write,
Did you know 1 in 6 cell phones have traces of fecal matter on them?
TBM: Well, all the cell phones in the Gateway League are clean, because nobody's talking sh*t this year. How come don't nobody post messages no more?
Marlon G. from Black Francis Soyer HQ writes,
I cook the hot rhymes, I hook you like dope.
Next week I will crack the team named Dub, Pope.
I'll shoot up his veins and burn him like soap
in his eyes. And from then on his name is Sub, Nope.
TBM: Yeah... Stuff like that.
Twon H. from Dub, Pope HQ writes,
Francis Soyer can suck my b*lls.
TBM: That's, uh, that's a little more direct, but it's...it's in the spirit of what I'm thinking.
That's it for the mailbag today. And next week, hopefully, if there's enough time, and, God-willing, enough energy... The State Of The League Address.
~That Multiple-Personality Mofo~