That Bearded Mofo

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Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 22, 2011

Well jingle my bells! I've been gunned down in my prime. Shot right through the...toe?
Oh. I'm still alive. Barely. This really hurts. But at least I'll get third.

Oh yeah. I forgot. There's the other guy. Hitmen. He got semi-whacked too.
That just leaves Black Francis and Savage. I'd shake their hands, but I'm too busy hating their guts.
And bleeding. Doing lots of bleeding.

I have big toes.

That Almost Mofo


(But Really Still Four)

In the undercard, number 1 Hitmen (10-5) takes on number 2 That Bearded Mofo (10-5) for the number 3 prize. It's the Horizontal Conference's top 2 teams for the last 2 years duking it out in a battle that only they care about. But it's stiiiilll money!

The Superbowl
Black Francis Soyer (10-5) vs Savage Life (9-6)

This year we crown a new Superbowl champion. Santa found Black Francis Soyer on his Nice List and delivered a first-year Superbowl appearance to the new franchise. Meanwhile, founding franchise Savage Life also finds his first Gateway Superbowl appearance in his Christmas stocking.

It appears these two are destined to face off every 8 weeks as they last met halfway into the season. Savage bested Soyer by 30.5 that week, catching Francis without Forte and Roddy. Then again, Savage was without Rodgers, so it wasn't an unfair fight.

Speaking of Rodgers, how fitting is it that the fantasy Superbowl comes down to a battle between the top two fantasy players? This week, fantasy Brees takes on fantasy Rodgers. The last two real Superbowl-winning quarterbacks face off in a matchup mirroring the first game of the 2011 NFL season.

Savage Life averages 4 more points a game than Black Francis (118.7 vs 114.7), but Black Francis leads Savage Life by a game and has the momentum of a 6-game win streak on his side. A hard game to call. Let's examine it at the molecular level.

QB (opp vs pass)
Drew Brees
vs ATL (17th)
Avg: 31.9 Rk: 2 Pos: 2

The Saints have 30 running backs and Drew Brees has 37 touchdowns. Seriously though, the team has a lot of running backs but all they do is throw the ball. Last week, Brees threw 5 TDs, 4 of them in the redzone, basically throwing up a middle finger to the Saints' running game and all fantasy opponents. Start this muthaf**ka always.

Alex Smith @ SEA (13th)
Avg: 16.9 Rk: 22 Pos: 14

Do I even need to?... Drew effin Brees.

Aaron Rodgers
@ CHI (27th)
Avg: 34 Rk: 1 Pos: 1

Rodgers had a bad game last week. A bad game for him is 26 points. That bitter feeling you taste in your stomach right now: that's jealousy.

Colt McCoy @ BAL (5th)
Avg: 14.8 Rk: 36 Pos: 21

He's concussed. And he's on the Browns. And Aaron effin Rodgers.

RB (opp vs run)
Chris Johnson
vs JAC (14th)
Avg: 12 Rk: 73 Pos: 15

He's a bum. Except when he's not. Which could be any week.

Ahmad Bradshaw @ NYJ (16th)
Avg: 9 Rk: 143 Pos: 24

You never know what you're gonna get with Bradshaw...because you never know what you're gonna get with the Giants.

Matt Forte @ GB (12th)
Avg: 13.1 Rk: 54 Pos: 8

Why, Matt! Why! Not at a time like this.

Ben Tate @ IND (28th)
Avg: 7.3 Rk: 182 Pos: 33

Boy, that Arian Foster sure is some running back, huh?

Adrian Peterson
@ WAS (15th)
Avg: 12.8 Rk: 60 Pos: 10

As Rocky would say, "Adrian! Adriaaaaan!"

Maurice Jones-Drew @ TEN (23rd)
Avg: 16.6 Rk: 26 Pos: 4

Don't know how woah he'll go, but Mo Jo can sco' fo sho.

Darren Sproles vs ATL (4th)
Avg: 13.1 Rk: 52 Pos: 7

Last time he faced the Falcons he had 3 total yards. He ended up with 2 points off of 4 catches. So on the one hand, he's a running back on a pass first team. On the other hand, he will get catches.

Chris Ogbonnaya @ BAL (2nd)
Avg: 4 Rk: ??? Pos: 52

No thank you.

WR (opp vs pass)
Roddy White
@ NO (28th)
Avg: 17.1 Rk: 21 Pos: 3

Roddy Bright. Studdy White. Whatever you wanna call him, he's a star. He'll get his.

Percy Harvin @ WAS (13th)
Avg: 14.1 Rk: 41 Pos: 13

Weeks 11-14, Harvin averaged 26.75. Last week he got 3. This is not the time, Percival.

Plaxico Burress vs NYG (29th)
Avg: 9.43 Rk: 132 Pos: 42

He's going up against his old team. The team that dropped him. The team that didn't have his back when he got sent up the river. The team that didn't give him a leg to stand on. ... That bullet didn't either. BA-zing!

Nate Washington
vs JAC (4th)
Avg: 13.5 Rk: 46 Pos: 15

Times have really changed when Nate Washington is the fantasy starter over DeSean Jackson.

DeSean Jackson @ DAL (19th)
Avg: 9.9 Rk: 111 Pos: 36

Wha' happened?

Pierre Garcon vs HOU (2nd)
Avg: 12.6 Rk: 62 Pos: 19

This garcon is gonna order himself up a new head coach after the season the Indianapolis Peytons just had.

TE (opp vs pass)
Dustin Keller
vs NYG (29th)
Avg: 9.8 Rk: 117 Pos: 11

It would be interesting to see what kind of tight end Keller would be with a better quarterback.

Greg Olsen vs TB (26th)
Avg: 8.9 Rk: 145 Pos: 15

It would be interesting to see what kind of tight end Olsen would be with a quarterback who needed him.

Rob Gronkowski
vs MIA (25th)
Avg: 19.9 Rk: 15 Pos:

Good God, man! Just good God.

Jeremy Shockey vs TB (26th)
Avg: 6.2 Rk: ??? Pos: 24

It would be interesting to see what kind of tight, screw it. Shockey's done.

K (opp vs pts)
[BFS] Jason Hanson vs SD (20th)
Avg: 8.5 Rk: 152 Pos: 7
He's...good? I don't know. I don't really follow kickers.

Nick Novak @ DET (23rd)
Avg: 8 Rk: 169 Pos: 11

Chargers have been scoring a lot of touchdowns of late, which has dropped Novak's numbers. Maybe Detroit's D will kick back in gear at home this week and keep SD out of the red zone.

[SL] Dan Carpenter @ NE (14th)
Avg: 6.6 Rk: ??? Pos: 20

Woof. These numbers are brutal. What could be worse?

Adam Vinatieri vs HOU (3rd)
Avg: 5.4 Rk: ??? Pos: 29

This is worse.

DEF (opp offense)
@ BUF (14th)
Avg: 9.9 Rk: 109 Pos: 18

If you think about it, isn't the Broncos D the real reason Tebow is always down in the 4th quarter?

Dolphins @ NE (2nd)
Avg: 10.2 Rk: 101 Pos: 16

Ohhh... Patriots? Yeah, Dolphins D has already seen their last fantasy start of 2011.

@ CIN (23rd)
Avg: 10.4 Rk: 98 Pos: 15

I predict 2 INTs and a kick return TD. Write it down!... Oh, I already did.

Patriots vs MIA (21st)
Avg: 9.2 Rk: 140 Pos: 27

Patriots D sucks. That's how great the offense is. Blowing people out while letting them run all over them. God bless America!

Good luck, competitors.
Merry Christmas and here's to a healthy, happy New Year, everyone. And never forget, in this holiday season, the greatest gift of all... No more stressful Monday nights until September.

'Til 2012...
~That Bearded Mofo~

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