That Bearded Mofo

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New And Maybe Probably Improved

Published Tue Sep 4, 2012 9:42pm PST

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It's time to start another fabulous fantasy football season.

But before we do, let's congratulate Savage Life on his 2011 Superbowl win.
Yay yay hoorayyyboo itshouldabeenme hiss yay greatjob huzzah thisstinks yayy hooray!

Sincerely though, congratulations, Savage Life.

Okay, back to this season. The NFL kicks off on a Wednesday(?) night. You'll notice that's not the only new thing this year.

We'll also be dealing with replacement officials for at least Week 1 and until the greedy NFL settles a deal with the original blind referees. But that's still not the only thing that's new this year.

Ahem... There's also this.

The new home for my weekly chronicling and critiquing of our league, fantasy football, and pop culture at large. In the past, I've been told that these articles can get a bit long.

This one is no exception.

So let's get this sucker started. Hop into the Delorean and let's go back in time to the draft, shall we?

Round 1
Freeworld Juggernauts makes TE Rob Gronkowski the first to go off the board. Seems like a reach to take a tight end in the first round, even in a keeper league, and especially when you only have one keeper in comparison to everyone else's two (and some three)...
Forced me to take TE Antonio Gates eight picks later. I ain't getting stuck without a tight tight end.

No, really. Pause the draft because SOME people don't know how to make picks. I'm not gonna say no names.
But they rhyme with I'mtalkingaboutSTLiens and youtooARMAGEDDON.
Commish hips us to the problem. Oh, we need to place our settings on "failsafe" you say? Are we drafting players or nuking China? This really is a stupid-ass website.
Okay, everybody's settings are on "failsafe". Let's go.

Why aren't we going? ... What? We re-started the draft??? Mutha--

Re-Round 1
(Ten minutes later)

ARMAGEDDON uses two of his THREE 1st Round picks to shock the world by taking top available WRs A.J. Green and Julio Jones back to back. This puts him in the trade bait echelon, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

RAC ON RAC ON RACKS wins the "I'll Take A Chance On Peyton's Neck" Sweepstakes.
Editor's Note: I personally think Peyton will be fine and a top 8 fantasy QB this year, but I have to talk about him like he's busted. It's just too entertaining.

Round 2
Speaking of busted-up former fantasy studs, Hitmen follows up his 1st round selection of RB Ryan Mathews with RB Adrian Peterson five picks later. The Commish asks him if he knows something nobody else does. We're still waiting on the answer.

I'm not done talking about AP or AD or as Stallone punch-drunkenly calls him, "Adriaaaaan!" I know it was the ACL. And the MCL. And running backs are never the same after that. But c'mon. None of the fantasy experts have him ranked higher than 10th among RBs. has him ranked 35th. 35th!!! I get it. Painful, excruciating, psyche-twisting, cry for mama, Frankensteinish-looking, season-ending type injury. I understand.
But it's Adrian Peterson. I'd rather have a blind Adrian Peterson outfitted with a set of mafia-style cement shoes than Toby Gerhart. And so would the Vikings. So AD's coming back. In full glory. Believe that.

ARMAGEDDON scoops up WR Victor Cruz with his 4th pick. See what I mean by trade bait? Still getting ahead of myself.

Round 3
Now it's Freeworld's turn to have THREE picks in one round. After going WR on all of his last three picks, he takes TE Jermichael Finley with his last pick of the round.
Pause. This time I mean figuratively.
He takes the top TE available in the draft and then, arguably, the 3rd best TE available because nobody else even knew what a tight end was yet at this point. Now this is the truest of trade bait situations. Because when the season starts and people realize how truly pathetic most tight ends are, the offers will come pooring in for Finley. (Or maybe even Gronkowski. Freeworld did part with Brady, after all, 'cause he still had Cam Newton.)

I'm not done talking about Freeworld's TE situation. He later asks me for Antonio Gates. No, this is not one of my fictional stories like the emailbag. This greedy mofo asked That Bearded Mofo to trade for my elite tight end to add to his elite tight end collection.
G O O D G A W D remarks that TBM ain't parting with Gates. This is true. I wouldn't say I have a man-crush on Gates. But I have had him Week 1 on every fantasy team I've owned since 2009; even picked him for my brother's team in one of his other league's when he asked me to draft in his place. I'm sad to say my Gates-owning streak came to an end a week after the Gateway draft when he failed to fall to me in the 3rd round of another draft. ...
*tearing up*
I didn't expect to cry. ... I also didn't expect to ramble on about something nobody but me cares about. Moving on.

Round 4
Savage Life autopicks RB Frank Gore. He's not at the draft. He's in China, which is big. Which means he could be anywhere. All we know is he's not at the draft yet and his autopicker seems to love RBs.
But not Arby's. Nobody loves Arby's.

Round 5
Cleveland LB D'Qwell becomes the first IDP player to be drafted in the history of the Gateway Fantasy Football league. ...
It's not quite Jackie Robinson, but... yayyy

Gridy takes the beaned spleen TE Jason Witten who will be great once the injury is healed.
Whenever that is.
It ain't now.

Savage Life autopicks RB BenJarvus Green Ellis, autopicked running back number three.

Round 6
Savage Life autopicks RB Beanie Wells. Autopicker loves RBs. Autopicker don't care!

Round 7
STLiens selects WR Kenny Britt who I expect to continue the all-star season he teased before suffering his season-ending injury last year.

That Bearded Mofo selects TE Fred Davis who I predict to be a sleeper who will finish as a top 4 tight end this season.

After drafting four running backs for Savage Life, the autopicker finally switches things up and selects TE Brent Celek.

Round 8
Savage Life immediately autopicks another TE, Coby Fleener.

Freeworld drafts the first kicker in the 8th round of a 16 round draft. Yes, Virginia, kickers can fly high too.

Round 9
With the selection of DB Kam Chancellor, I completed my trio of IDP starters, each of whom happen to be the #1 guy on my list at each position.
*pats own back*
*pulls imaginary muscle*
*sees imaginary doctor*
*goes on real bed rest*

Round 10
Nothing significant

Round 11
Move out of the way autopicker. The champ is here! *pounds drum* The champ is here!! *pounds drum* The champ is here!!!
Savage Life arrives. Here's transcript from the draft room chat board:

(11:40:40) Commish: hey rodney
(11:41:08) Savage Life: Man, I got stuk in downtown Hongzhou and couldn't get bak in time....
(11:41:47) That Bearded Mofo: That sucks
(11:42:00) That Bearded Mofo: We tried to hold the draft up for you...unintentionally.
(11:42:00) Savage Life: lol yeah
(11:42:02) Commish: Well you have trade bait
(11:44:54) Savage Life: Ima need it!

There's that phrase again: trade bait. Is it time yet or am I still ahead of myself? ... Not yet.

Rounds 12-14
Nothing significant. It's really slim pickings at this point.

Round 15
Some dope drafted WR Terrell Owens who got cut from the Seahawks the same day. That dope was me. This is why you don't draft before Labor Day weekend.

Round 16-17
Nothing significant.

Round 18
Nothing at all. We have keepers.

Draft over. Time for wheelin', dealin', waivin', and scoopin'. bait! Savage Life immediately gets offers on his wide stable of RBs, but it's trade bait love at trade bait first sight that brings Savage Life together with ARMAGEDDON. Savage needs WRs while GEDDON needs RBs. They are each able to trade very good players who are nowhere near the best at the position on their respective fantasy teams. It's Victor Cruz for Frank Gore. I wish I could find a trade like that. *sigh*

STLiens managed to get through the entire draft without selecting a kicker nor a single IDP player. But he got two QBs to go with his QB keeper Vick as well as three TEs. Cuts have to be made.

I get the Terrell Owens news. Drop him. Let's see what's out there.
Well hello, Kenny Britt. What are you doing in the free agency pool? ... You say STLiens had to drop you? I think we can find you a nice seat on the Mofo bus.

So that was the draft and the afterdraft.

It looks like we have a good slate of fantasy games this week including a rematch of last year's Superbowl between Savage Life and G O O D G A W D. Seems like the Superbowl rematch is becoming an annual Week 1 event.

Anyway, I'm sure about now your eyes are as tired as my fingers. So I'll end this by saying...
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for participating.
And welcome to your new web clubhouse at...

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.

Freeworld says,
Sep 06, 2012 5:31:12 PM PST
ThatBeardedMofo, what up? Yeah, Gronk was a reach but he had a least 100 more points that Greene and Jones. And I trust Brady more than the other QBs. I still willing to take Gates off your hands.