That Bearded Mofo

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With All Sincerity

Published Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:30pm PST

image shaved off

First off, I'd like to apologize to my downstairs neighbor for all my angry stomping on Monday night.

Secondly, I'd like to apologize to my upstairs neighbor for jamming that broomstick up into my ceiling.

Thirdly, I'd like to apologize to the Baltimore Ravens defense for the letter that should be arriving in 2-3 days. You were just doing your job. Please don't hurt me. Again.

Fourthly, I'd like to apologize to Greg Jennings for the letter that should be arriving in 2-3 days. I'm thinking a lot clearer now and I wouldn't open that if I was you.

Fifthly, I'd like to apologize to my TV. I wasn't cursing at you. I was cursing into you, hoping my f- s- and d-bombs would absorb through your screen, over Time Warner's magical electric cables, and into the ears of Antonio Gates so he would stop dropping the ball.

Sixthly, I'd like to apologize to ARMAGEDDON for not starting off with congratulating him on his win. That's about the best you're gonna get from me.

Seventhly, I'd like to apologize for forgetting to mention in last week's article that this is the Gateway League's first season without a new owner. Every prior season, we've either expanded the number of teams or had an owner depart. But this year, we've all returned to take part in this gut-wrenching, Monday night-ruining, hope-destroying, mood-crushening game known as fantasy football. We should give ourselves a round of applause for returning.

Eighthly, I'd like to apologize for not thinking of an eighth thing.

Ninthly, I'd like to apologize for not doing a Screwy Awards in a week where Chris Johnson, Michael Turner, and Fred Jackson would have duked it out for the prize. And once-thought-to-be-done folks like Peyton Manning, Brandon Marshall, and Adrian Peterson would have stood tall amongst the ranks of Fantasy Bastard.

Tenthly, I'd like to apologize for the one-sided demolition derby that was Allstate Mayhem versus STLiens, a matchup that just happened to be the highest-scoring team of the week (156) versus the lowest-scoring team of the week (93.5). I don't know who deserves this apology, but I know who needs the ointment. I know it wouldn't have done much, but having a kicker who is actually playing for an NFL team couldn't have hurt. (Washington dropped Neil Rackers two weeks ago.)

As I'm sure you can tell, my team didn't come out a winner this week. And neither did half of yours out there. But that doesn't mean we can't be winners this Vegas! Here are my Vegas picks for Week 2 and my reasons why.

CHI def GB
Because the special effects company behind the Tupac hologram filed for bankruptcy. I think they made a hologram of the wrong Milli Vanilli guy for a reunion concert that many are describing as "why?".

NYG def TB
Because anybody should get giddy at meeting President Obama, whether you're a big, burly man or a registered Republican. And anybody should want to give him a bear hug. But you shouldn't be able to.

Uh, Secret Service?

Because if a tie is good enough for the NFL, a tie should be good enough for fantasy football.

Because a Burger King whopper patty is thinner than a 12-year-old t-shirt. The king should be ashamed. Ashamed!

Because I Googled "Adrian Peterson" and "The Six Million Dollar Man" came up.

NO def CAR
Because I Googled "Paul Ryan" and "a pair of flaming pants" came up.

NE def ARI
Because I Googled Patriots owner Bob Kraft and, well, this really did come up.

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an apple pie a day keeps you from seeing your feet.

BUF def KC
Because Chad Johnson got arrested, but Chad Ochocinco's never been in trouble a day in his life.

Because Fox gave Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane the green light to remake The Flintstones. So prepare for Dino to talk, Fred to be a moron, and Bam-Bam to be a genius with a Die Hard villain's accent and homosexual lisp. You know: comedy.

Because I Googled "world's fastest catfish" and "RG3" came up.

Because I Googled "world's oldest catfish" and "Marshawn Lynch" came up.

Because, apparently, I think dreadlocks plus mustache equals catfish.

Pictured: Tonight's "guests" on Hillbilly Handfishin'

SD def TEN
Because Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is not a cartoon, but it sure looks like one.

SF def DET
Because if Shaq goes to play ball in Mexico, that country's national average height will shoot up to 4' 3".

Because in St. Louis you can be shot over pork steaks or stabbed for Cheetos. I miss my hometown. I mean, I miss my hometown?

Get your bookie on the phone. And if you strike it rich with my picks, all I ask for is all of your money. Time to shut it down for this week. But before I go...

Eleventhly, I'd like to apologize to RAC ON RAC ON RACKS for the fury I'm going to have to unleash on you this week. The frustration of Week 1 has to be unleashed somewhere. Blame it on fantasy football.


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