That Bearded Mofo

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Where Winners Are Losers

Published Tue Sep 17, 2012 10:00pm PST

image shaved off

Congratulations RAC ON RAC ON RACKS.

So I'm 0-2, but so are the Saints. And they won a Superbowl three seasons ago. And I... I didn't. Whatever. ThisgameisstupidIhateit.

Week 2 is done, so you know what time it is. It's time to call out those signal callers that called in sick. It's time for the DirecTV Dr. Pepper 10 Your Ad Here 2012 Screwy Awards! Let's congratulate your draft picks for ruining your weekend.

Tonight we have a brand new category (dis)honoring those new guys in our league, the Individual Defensive Players. Let's give 'em a hand... across the face, 'cause they stink, otherwise they wouldn't be nominated. You see how that works?

The "John Elway Can't Dance" Award - Quarterbacks
Tom Brady, 19 pts
Matthew Stafford, 16 pts
Tony Romo, 16 pts
Joe Flacco, 14 pts
Aaron Rodgers, 14 pts
Peyton Manning, 12 pts
Matt Schaub, 9 pts
Jay Cutler, 5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Jay Cutler.
Now before I rip into Jay Cutler, let me just explain the rest of these nominees. Getting only 19 points from Tom Brady is like getting only 19 commercials from Peyton Manning. Also, 12 points, Peyton Manning? Eff you! Stafford, Romo, and Rodgers were all keepers and all blew harder than a sex worker in a blimp filling contest. Flacco's only here because he got the same amount as Rodgers and he's the back-to-back reigning Week 2 Screwy Awards Quarterback champion. Schaub's here because f**king 9 points, that's why. Awful week for superstar QBs.

And Cutler, too. Cutler? More like Butt-ler. Wait, that doesn't sound right. A butler is a thing. He serves you. Unlike Cutler who serves balls to defenders. Let me try again. Cutler? More like What?!-ler. That wasn't good either. Don't worry, I can Michael Vick this, i.e., I can overcome this ugliness and pull out a victory. Cutler? More like... Rut-...ler. Okay, I Carson Palmered it.

The "Do Run Run Run, They Do Run Run " Award - Running Backs
Steven Jackson, 5 pts
Darren McFadden, 4 pts
Chris Johnson, 3 pts
Jamaal Charles, 2.5 pts
Ahmad Bradshaw, 1 pt

And the Screwy goes to... Ohhh, I wanna give this one to Chris Johnson sooo bad, but his great-grandmother just passed and his owner did win, so it's got to go to Ahmad Bradshaw.
Bradshaw hurt his fantasy owners neck early in Sunday's game and spent the rest of the game watching from the sideline. But what we found out most from this situation is that we need Screwy Award categories for Handcuff Player and NFL Head Coach. The number 2 running back on the Giants' roster is David Wilson. So, naturally, when Bradshaw went out, coach Coughlin went with... Andre Brown. Owl Alert: WHOOOO? Apparently, Wilson is still in Coughlin's doghouse and so are all those fantasy owners who drafted Wilson weeks ago.

The "Chad Johnson Shoulda Never Got Married" Award - Wide Receivers
Lance Moore, 5 pts
Andre Johnson, 5 pts
Julio Jones, 5 pts
Brandon Marshall, 4 pts
Dez Bryant, 4 pts
Kevin Ogletree, 3 pts
Anquan Boldin, 2 pts
Larry Fitzgerald, 1 pt
Kenny Britt, 1 pt

And the Screwy goes to Larry Fitzgerald.
So the Arizona Cardinals are (a lucky) 2-0. Poor coaching will see to it that that won't last. Larry, the award may have your name on it, but you can go ahead and put it on Kevin Kolb's shelf. Kevin, you can put it on Ken Wisenhunt's desk. Ken, you can clear out your desk.

The "Jon Gruden Must've Looked Awful In Those Hooters Shorts" Award - Tight Ends
Jermichael Finley, 4 pts
Coby Fleener, 3 pts
Jacob Tamme, 3 pts
Antonio Gates, 0 pts
Aaron Hernandez, 0 pts

And the Screwy goes to... It's a tie! Antonio Gates and Aaron Hernandez.
These two top tier tight ends faced off in a fantasy battle this weekend. Aaron Hernandez pulled off a spectacular screwy maneuver by getting injured 8 minutes into the game. But Gates one-upped him by never even stepping onto the field. Ahhh, Screwys. Don'tchu love it?

Me neither.

The "Makes My Toe Shoot Up In My Boot" Award - Kickers
Billy Cundiff, 4 pts
Matt Prater, 3 pts
Dan Bailey, 1 pt

And the Screwy goes to Dan Bailey.
You play for the Cowboys. You know what you signed up for. That team is so flip-floppy, they should be called the Dallas Romneys. Except they got less money.

Next up, is our new award for IDPs. Due to the limited scoring nature of our defensive players, their standard for suckiness is much, much lower. You pretty much have to do nothing to make this list.

The "Brian Orakpo Better Hope That Geico Money Lasts" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Jason Babin (DL), .5 pts
Osi Umenyiora (DL), .5 pts
Brian Cushing (LB), 1 pt
Nnamdi Asomugha (DB), .5 pts
Troy Polamalu (DB), 0 pts
Tracy Porter (DB), 1 pt

And the Screwy goes to Nnamdi Asomugha.
An upset. Polamalu looked like the frontrunner. Like Gates, Polamalu didn't even play this week; but unlike Gates, it was known ahead of time that he wouldn't. No award for him; he fails twice.

Asomugha ain't been so awesome this year, but that's probably because no QB wants to throw his way. Yes, we're going to keep rolling on like that "awesome" pun never happened.

The "Replacement Refs Let You Get Away With Anything" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Steelers, 10 pts
Patriots, 10 pts
Ravens, 10 pts
Eagles, 10 pts
Jets, 9 pts
Lions, 9 pts

Since when is 10 or even 9 points a bad D/ST output, you ask? Since never. But this is it. These are your best worst players this week. Tells me defense is big in the NFL this year. Last year was the year of the pass. This year is the year of the INT. And because of that, for the first time ever, the Screwy goes to nobody.

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - That Baddest Mofo On The Other Team
Eli Manning, 37 pts for scrapping STLiens
C.J. Spiller, 29.5 pts for thumbing That Bearded Mofo
Percy Harvin, 23 pts for tackling That Bearded Mofo
Cam Newton, 30 pts for daggering Dub, Pope
Arian Foster, 23 pts for stapling Savage Life
Matt Ryan, 23 pts for snapping Savage Life
Tony Gonzalez, 20 pts for savaging Savage Life
Drew Brees, 24 pts for ambushing ARMAGEDDON
Roddy White, 24 pts for apocalypting ARMAGEDDON
Hakeem Nicks, 35 pts for handling Hand me your Wallace
Vernon Davis, 24 pts for hawking Hand me your Wallace

And the Screwy goes to Eli Manning.
37 points? Whooo! Maybe give some of those to your brother for his birthday.

The "Hemorrhoid Donut" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Miles Austin, 17 pts
Reggie Wayne, 19 pts
Brent Celek, 23 pts
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 23 pts
Ben Roethlisberger, 25 pts
Trent Richardson, 27 pts
Philip Rivers, 30 pts
Danny Amendola, 35 pts
Robert Griffin III, 34 pts
Michael Vick, 28 pts
Andrew Luck, 25 pts
Vincent Jackson, 23 pts
Ben Tate, 23 pts
Josh Freeman, 20 pts
DeSean Jackson, 18 pts

Honorable Mention: Andy Dalton, 31 pts

And the Screwy goes to Kim Kardashian because, much like this award, anybody could get it.
This list has never been this long. Look at all these magnificently useless points. And half of 'em belong to STLiens. (Vick is still wondering why he's in his fantasy coach's doghouse.) But I'm not gonna rub this in STLiens' face; his bench already did that. It's hard to make a case for most of these players that they should have been started. Some of these names are big, but the players they were benched for are bigger. Just not this week.

Well, it's time to hail the taxi and sidestep the paparazzi. That's all from the 1st Annual 2012 Boston Market Boston Legal Boston Celtics ESPN Boston Boston Marathon Screwy Awards live from Hollywood, California. I've been your host,

~That Bearded Mofo~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
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Alphonso74 says,
Sep 19, 2012 7:24:56 PM PST
Two Thumbs up!!