That Bearded Mofo

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Words Are Made Of Letter People

Published Tue Nov 13, 2012 10:50pm PST

image shaved off

The 2012 St. Louis Rams continue to one up the piss poor Rams of recent years, this time refusing to lose even when they don't win. The rare NFL tie reared its head again after a four year absence. It's as foreign as the Olympics, as forgotten about as leap day, and, just like a Presidential debate, everyone watched as nothing happened.

There weren't any ties in the fantasy league this week. Thank God, because I'm still not sure how we've agreed to handle that.

Allstate Mayhem continues to be the king in record and points with his win over the once mighty RAC ON RAC ON RACKS this weekend. RACKS tumbles to 5th place as both Hitmen and Da,Pope leapfrog him with their Week 10 victories. Pope trails Mayhem by 2 games, but only 7 points. The team scored its second highest point total of the season, beating yours truly and putting an end to my "perfect record when Fitzpatrick starts and Romo sits" theorem.

ARMAGEDDON, who could have beaten 7 teams this week, had the misfortune of playing Hitmen who delivered the week high: 156.5. Not to be confused with the weak high: Formula 409 on a handkerchief. The beating could have been worse: if Hitmen hadn't benched Flacco and hadn't given Olsen the boot, he could have scored 189.5.

Savage Life continues to stumble, giving STLiens his second win of the year and falling out of playoff seeding. Meanwhile, the newly retro-named Madden Curse eked out a win over Freeworld Juggernauts in a game so ugly Redd Foxx did a 10 minute set about it.

Also, Gridy played G O O D G A W D. No change for either of them.

You know what else hasn't changed? My passion for educating the youth. Don't you know the children are our future? Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the blah blah blah. Let's learn something.

Learning Your ABC's with That Bearded Mofo

Brought to you by SmackMack's Pump 'n' Blow: the world's first unlicensed topless gas station and tire shop. Come fill your tank and your whack off bank, only at Pump 'n' Blow!

A is for Anybody,
B is for Bet, and
C is for Can as in:
Anybody bet the Bengals would open up a can of whoopass on the Giants?

D is for Dude, Didn't, and Drop as in:
The way in which he didn't acknowledge former teammate Ray Allen is just another drop in the bucket full of examples of how Kevin Garnett is a dirty dude.

E is for Everyone, Egregious, and Elmo as in:
Only Romney wanted to fire Big Bird, but everyone would have wanted to fire Elmo if the egregious claim of his affair with an underage boy had been true.

F is for Found, Freaking, and Fudged as in:
General Petraeus fudged himself out of a job when he got found freaking his biographer.

Don't get found freaking the Pump 'n' Blow service girls. *wink* Our ladies weren't trained to offer that kind of service. *wink* Or you might find a dipstick shoved down your windpipe. *wink*

Pump 'n Blow.

G is for Gas, Gonna, and Global as in:
Global warming mostly results from gas emissions of cows and pigs in our massive farming industry, but I ain't gonna give up cheeseburgers to save polar bears.

H is for Have, Hate, and Handshake as in:
Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher received a lot of hate for his handshake with Danieal Manning after Manning intercepted Cutler, but Urlacher says the haters' lips can have at his butt cheeks.

I is for I'm,
J is for Just, and
K is for Kidding as in:
If someone has to say "I'm just kidding", they aren't.

L is for Liquored, Lady, and Likes as in:
When Cee-Lo said he was a lady killer, I didn't know that meant he likes to fight liquored up ladies in the street.

Pump 'n' Blow encourages you not to drink and drive. Unless the drinks are from our 24-hour convenience mart, the Circle Va-jay-jay. Here's our athlete spokesman, J.J. Watt.

J.J. WATT: "I swat all kinds of twat at the Circle Va-jay-- That's horrible. I'm not saying this."

Too late.


M is for Made, Mike, and Make as in:
Kobe made Mike Brown kick rocks but couldn't make the Lakers bring back Phil "No Away Games" Jackson.

N is for Never, Notice, and NFL as in:
You ever notice that whenever they discuss NFL quarterback greats, they never mention Aikman unless he's in the room?

O is for Overtime, Officials, and Obviously as in:
The officials obviously had money on the Rams game with all the questionable penalties they called on them in overtime.

P is for Papa,
Q is for Quit,
R is for Raising as in:
Papa John needs to quit talking about raising the price of his pizzas due to Obamacare and needs to start explaining why they cost so damn much to begin with.

For a limited time at Pump 'n' Blow, try our Tire Sharpening* special, only $189.99.
(*Legal Disclaimer: The Better Business Bureau does not recommend sharpening tires and, in fact, discourages it. But why don't they just stick to business and we'll stick to what we know: getting you to buy stuff because of boobies.)


Pump 'n' Blow.

S is for Sure, Slapped, and Silly as in:
Texas Tech coach Tommy Tuberville is sure to get slapped with a fine for slapping his assistant silly.

T is for There, They're, and Their as in:
Vick, Alex Smith, and Cutler all got knocked silly, but their coaches would've rather stuck it out with them knowing good and well that they're not all there.

U is for Ugly,
V is for Vile, and
W is for West as in:
It is no surprise that Black(?) Tea Party candidate Allen West is as ugly in defeat as he is vile in persona.

X is for X-ray,
Y is for Yutz, and
Z is for Zit as in:
Someone should x-ray the head of that yutz Donald Trump to find out why he keeps popping off with slimy shit like a zit.

Our girls don't got zits, but they do got... certifications in auto maintenance and repair from accredited schools such as: DeTry University, IPP Tech, Neverest College, that school with a pregnancy test for a mascot, and many less.

Pump 'n' Blow!!! SmackMack's! (Formerly Lube 'n' Boob.)

Lesson learned for the week. Class dismissed.

Oh, but don't forget your homework. You're each to play against someone from your division or conference. It's the last week of byes, so it gets really real after this week.

Really real.


~That Real Mofo~

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