Bad Times For Us Turkeys
Published Tue Nov 20, 2012 10:30pm PST
It's hard to believe the holidays are already here. It's even harder to believe that 11 weeks of football are already in the books. Fantasy season's end is near, closer for some than most. The byes are over and we'll be saying our byes to the first four of us pretty soon. But let's not think about that yet. This is the time of year for getting fatter, not sadder.
Before you stuff the turkey, let me stuff your eyeballs with stuff from my overstuffed Thanksgiving e-mailbag. This year, you all had a lot to be thankful for. Like my wonderful weekly articles.
Ahem. *palm out, fishing for a tip*
Let's see what everyone had to say.
Katt W. from Outer Space, Pimpin! writes,
I'm thankful that my onstage meltdown in Oakland this past Friday was not highly publicized. Nor my arrest two days before that. I'm also thankful that Too $hort helped me get through it. There's no bigger sign you've hit rock bottom than the phrase "Too $hort helped me get through it."
Twon H. from Da,Pope HQ writes,
I'm thankful I got more points than a hedgehog with a Capital One Cash Rewards card.
Marlon G. from G O O D G A W D HQ writes,
I'm thankful that Brees doesn't know how to not throw touchdowns.
J. Harbaugh from Frisco writes,
I'm thankful it only took minor surgery to fix my heart problem. The doctor said my irregular beat was caused by something called Tiedtheramsitis.
C. Kaepernick from San Francisco writes,
I'm thankful that my first ever NFL start was a win against the daunting Chicago Bears defense. I guess that's why everyone is calling it "impressive."
TBM: Your last name hurts my eyes. Change it.
Alphonso W. from Madden Curse HQ writes,
I'm thankful I don't have Mike Wallace anymore. He was the real curse.
Anton M. from ARMAGEDDON HQ writes,
I'm thankful the end is almost near. And I'm praying it ends before I'm out of the hunt.
Twinkie the Kid from the abandoned Hostess factory writes,
I'm thankful that I and all my delicious snack cake brothers will live on...in Canada. Let the smuggling begin, eh? Prepare to get your Suzy Qs for $30 on the black market, bitches!
J. Maclin from Philadelphia writes,
I'm thankful I was only one of many fantasy players who got 0 points this week.
Demerrio G. from RAC ON RAC ON RACKS HQ writes,
I'm not thankful that Maclin is thankful about that.
R. Jennings from Jacksonville writes,
I'm thankful MoJo-Drew got hurt so I could finally show the world how truly terrible I am.
Terry W. from That Bearded Mofo HQ writes,
I'm thankful that I am an originator, a groundbreaker, a grandfatherer. I had 3 players score 0 points. That's never been done in the history of fantasy football ever on earth. I don't know that for sure, but it couldn't possibly. It's so impossible, I'm still not sure I did it.
TBM: You (We? I?) did. Eleven players and not a single one scored double digits this week. NOT. ONE. The holidays truly can be depressing.
B. Roethlisberger from Pittsburgh writes,
I'm thankful I was hurt this week so I didn't have to wear that bumblebee prisoner uniform.
Rodney B. from Savage Life HQ writes,
I'm thankful I didn't play against you this week, Mofo. I would have been embarrassed to have beaten you while also having three guys who couldn't get me any points...'cause they weren't playing.
TBM: Yeah... Sure... It's you that would have been embarrassed.
K. Whisenhunt from Arizona, but not for long, writes,
I'm thankful I pulled my sorry QB Skelton early and put my sorry rookie QB Whocareshisname into the game. Now Skelton is safe from blame on the loss.
TBM: But you're not, Whisendone.
Clint Eastwood's Chair from Tampa writes,
I'm thankful to be spending the holidays with my relatives this year: Dining Room Table, uncle Sofa, aunt Hat Rack, cousin Lazy-Boy Recliner and his fiancee Ottoman. Everyone said you two didn't go together, but you've made it last. I look forward to seeing them all and they look forward to seeing me. Since my RNC appearance, I'm the most famous member of the family since grandma Chair and her role in the water scene in Flashdance.
M. Ryan from Atlanta writes,
I'm thankful to be the first QB to throw 0 touchdowns and 5 interceptions in a win since Bart Starr in 1967.
Ryan B. from Allstate Mayhem HQ writes,
I'm thankful I had Andre Johnson's 47 to make up for Matt Ryan's 5.
E. Reed from Baltimore writes,
I'm thankful I do such a good job of f@©king up cats that the NFL is giving me Thanksgiving weekend off. Just goes to show you, hard work does come with perks.
TBM: I think it's supposed to be a punishment. But good (bad?) news, Ed: you get (have?) to work this weekend.
Mike S. from Gridy HQ writes,
I'm thankful I took down the number 1 team from 5 weeks ago.
TBM: A.K.A, the number 5 team from 1 week ago.
Demarco D. from Hitmen HQ writes,
I'm thankful I'm sailing clear into the playoffs.
Dan M. from STLiens HQ writes,
I'm thankful I'm sailing clear into the first pick.
Nathaniel H. from Freeworld Juggernauts HQ writes,
I'm thankful for Bearded Mofo, ARMAGEDDON, and Savage Life losses. For a second there, I thought I wasn't gonna make my bi-annual trip to the Superbowl.
M. D'antoni from Los Angeles writes,
I'm thankful I just had knee surgery. Kobe wouldn't fire a newly hired guy on crutches. Right?
TBM: Pray for wins.
Saint Louis from the smack dab middle of the country writes,
Well, they did it again, didn't they? The FBI's report of the most dangerous cities came out, and there I am. Number 3. Again. Am I supposed to be thankful that I'm only number 3? Again? Was I thankful last year when I was number 3? Huh? Answer me when I'm rhetorically ranting!
I'm cool, I'm cool. See, it's those kind of moments that the media wants to twist and make it seem like I'm all violent and eye stabby. I'm not. I'm as delicate as a leaf floating down the Mississippi. Or as gentle as the sway of the Arch on a windy day...
But I can also get as hot as the cheese from an Imo's pizza on the roof of your mouth if you cross me. And the FBI has crossed me for the last time! You hear me FiBby?! Stick to playing peeping tom with CIA heads and their biographers and leave me the f@©k outta your mouth. Or, so help me God, I'm gonna go from saint to ain't on your taint faster than you can say "gooey butter cake". Which is not very fast, but it's a me thing and I like to bring up gooey butter cake when I'm threatening people. Which is not often. Because I'm nice, you rotting flesh wound. Happy Thanksgiving.
TBM: !O_o! And on that note...
Do indeed have a Happy Thanksgiving. And enjoy spending time with your loved ones: Jimmy, Terry, Howie, J.B., Dan, Shannon, Rich, Deion, Marshall, and Aunt Mama an' dem.
'Til next week's season rap up--I mean, wrap up *wink*...
~That Heavy Bib Mofo~