That Bearded Mofo

Gone Hustlin'

Well, it pretty much looks like the end for yours truly. The league's lowest score each of the last two weeks thanks largely to multiple players putting up goose eggs in back-to-back weeks. I just don't know what to do about those boys. They weren't raised right.

But as I near my end (That's what she said?) and we near our end, it's time we look back on the hustling bustling fantasy football year that 2012 was. And we do that, as always, with me blowing out your eyes and ears with a season wrap rap.

This year's rap is to the tune of a little known song called Hustlin' by the rap man Ricky Rozay. You might know him as Big Meech... Larry Hoover... or that guy that used to be a corrections officer. You can follow along with the lyrics below. Click the highlighted words if you want to understand what the line is referencing. But why would you need to do that? You've been following my articles all year, right?

Enough talking on the page, time to talk over music. Enjoy a brief history of 2012 with Waiver Wire Hustlin'. Just hit play.

Waiver Wire Hustlin'

[G O O D G A W D]
Every week I'm hustlin'
Waiver wire hustlin'
The roster's always shufflin'
'Cause every week I'm hustlin'
Every week I'm hustlin'
Waiver wire hustlin'
Every week I'm, every week I'm, every week I'm hustlin'

[That Bearded Mofo]
Who the eff thinks they can get their way with the NFL?
Only way they cave is if they got the refs from hell
T.O. tried out, the season came, they cut him stat
But Randy's comin' back, Randy came on back
Harbaugh declines a safety, got fantasy owners frantic
Like Hurricane Sandy rippin' across the Atlantic
There was Elmo in a pickle, see. Underage affair?
What's he mean by "tickle me"?
Romney campaign's messy, they can't shake the greed
Obama sits back, watching, saying "please proceed"
Peyton's back, Rams and Niners tied
Saints start 0 and 4, week 5 they got off the schneid
Lance Armstrong got his titles stripped, USADA said he lied
He's the one said Lauren Hill was having Wyclef's child

Every week I'm hustlin'
Waiver wire hustlin'
The roster's always shufflin'
'Cause every week I'm hustlin'
Every week I'm hustlin'
Waiver wire hustlin'
The roster's always shufflin'
Every week I'm, every week I'm

Doug Martin and Rodgers go 53, my Gawd!
Stick it real hard, stick it stick it real hard
Tony Romo, Philip Rivers, they try to go yard
Pick it real hard, pick it pick it real hard
Chad Johnson got arrested, put behind guard locks
Nationally televised firing on Hard Knocks
Schwartz threw the flag, cost a TD, that's doo doo
Face looking redder than the mom of Honey Boo Boo
Brazilian auctioned her virtue, three-quarter million
Romney's gon' add her to his binder full of women
Katt Williams meltin' down on stage, go in a rage
Like Saint Louis be, dangerous city number three
Mo' players, mo' I-N-Ts, mo' to watch, thanks to I-D-Ps

Every week I'm hustlin'
Waiver wire hustlin'
The roster's always shufflin'
'Cause every week I'm hustlin'
Every week I'm hustlin'
Waiver wire hustlin'
The roster's always shufflin'
Every week I'm, every week I'm

Chris Johnson's first half, those runs were really sad
New York Jets synonymous with anything that's bad
Ladies get on Cleveland buses cussing drivers out
They go Sagat, tiger uppercut they effin' mouth
Petraeus had clout, sex scandal brought some doubt
His bio sells out, now we know what it's about
Always draft day drama, Autopicks-o-rama
Chiefs fans look like llamas spitting on their QB's trauma
Papa John talkin' 'bout he gon' have to can yo mama
Make us pause like commas, eff your pizzas, vote Obama
Hostess folds but Twinkies never get old
Allen tries to shake hands but Garnett leaves him cold
Felix Baumgartner's big jump, obnoxious boob Donald Trump
Thatbeardedmofo.com, 2012 was so crunk

Every week I'm hustlin'
Waiver wire hustlin'
The roster's always shufflin'
'Cause every week I'm hustlin'
Every week I'm hustlin'
Waiver wire hustlin'
The roster's always shufflin'
Every week I'm, every week I'm

Thanks one mo' 'gin to Marlon for production and hook vocals.

It's been a looooong quick 5 weeks since my State Of The League Address and my oh my how things have changed. RAC ON RAC ON RACKS who seemed sure to take the Vertical crown sits 3rd in the conference. I warned of the powerhouse that was Savage Life, then that team immediately lost 4 straight and has only topped 90 twice since. Madden Curse, who started the season 0-3 and as Hand me your Wallace, is now tied for the conference lead in record.

Let's see what the playoff hunt is looking like.

Allstate Mayhem: you're in.
G O O D G A W D: you're in.
Hitmen: you're in.
Da,Pope: you're in.
Madden Curse: you're in.
RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: you're in.
Gridy: you're out.
STLiens: you're out.

Only two slots left and four 5-7 teams to duke it out for them. With the point totals for 3 of these 4 teams so close, it is possible--highly unlikely, but still possible--that one of these teams could slide into the 8th seed with a 5-8 record.

The 5-7 team with the most points, ARMAGEDDON simply needs to win and he's in. If he loses against Madden Curse, he'll need That Bearded Mofo to lose and for the loser of the Savage Life-Freeworld Juggernauts matchup to outscore him by no more than 20 (SL) or 33.5 (FJ) points.

As just noted, Savage Life faces off against fellow 5-7 contender Freeworld Juggernauts this weekend. A win and Savage Life is in. If he loses, he'll need That Bearded Mofo to lose and for ARMAGEDDON to lose and to outscore ARMAGEDDON by 21 points. That's a lot to ask for. It's better that he just doesn't lose.

Freeworld Juggernauts has a 61 point lead on the lowest 5-7 contender That Bearded Mofo, so Juggernauts too only needs to win and he's in. If he loses, he will need That Bearded Mofo to lose and for ARMAGEDDON to lose and to outscore ARMAGEDDON by 34.5. That's even more to ask for than what Savage Life needed. Losing is not an option.

With the raging horror that the last two weeks have been, That Bearded Mofo is lucky to even find himself still with a shot at the playoffs. The winner of Savage versus Freeworld would claim the 7th seed, but with a win and an ARMAGEDDON loss, TBM would slip into the playoffs laying farts all into that number 8 seat. If the results turn out any other way, Mofo will be getting that number 3 (maybe even number 2) pick in the fall.

Congratulations to Allstate on being the only team to reach double digit wins this season and on collecting that Horizontal Conference prize. The Vertical Conference prize is Da,Pope's to lose as he outshines his only competitor Madden Curse by 202.5 points. Yeah, that's not a typo: over 200 points. But if Pope loses to Gridy this week and Curse beats ARMAGEDDON, this year's Vertical crown will get Cursed.

And so ends another 13 weeks' worth of writings from me to you. I hope you've enjoyed reading them as much as I've enjoyed writing them. More even.

Until next season... which is the post-season.

~That Finger-Crossed Mofo~