BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2012: ROUND ONE
Published Thu Dec 6, 2012 9:30am PST
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I write this from the morgue.
It's sad to die so young. And so handsome. And smart. And athletic--okay I'm just outright lying now.
This place stinks of bodies. STLiens and Gridy to the left of me, Savage Life to the right. They're still wheeling in bodies. Yours could be next.
I hope it is, 'cause I hate you. Yeah, you. It should be me in there. It should be meeeee...!
But I'm not bitter. There's always next year.
And basketball. ... There's always fantasy basketball.
Speaking of non-football athletics where people fake and flop around...
ROUND 1: ROYAL RUMBLE
Lex Luger (Allstate Mayhem 11-2) vs Ric Flair (Freeworld Juggernauts 6-7)
The Total Package versus The Nature Boy
The last brawl between these two was a Week 9 Horizontal Conference affair that saw both teams deliver less than average results. Allstate is coming off of a 7-game win streak thanks to a full arsenal of superstars at every position. Between Matty Ice, Arian, Andre, Tony G. and even kicker Matt Bryant, Mayhem says "Damn the NFL. Just give me the Falcons and Texans." Meanwhile, Juggernauts has gone on a mini-run of his own, sneaking into the playoffs with 3 straight big wins thanks to a rejuvenated Cam Newton and fumblephiliac Bryce Brown. Will Allstate place Freeworld in The Human Torture Rack? Or can Juggernauts show Mayhem why he's The Dirtiest Player in the Game?
Season Points Avg: Allstate Mayhem - 122.65 vs 111.58 - Freeworld Juggernauts
One, Two, Three: It's an even numbered year, right? By allowing Freeworld into the playoffs, fate is sealed. He took down the number 1, 2, and 3 seeds from the 8th spot two years ago to win his 3rd bi-annual title. Why should this year be any different? But back to the analogy...
Allstate gives Freeworld three red-handed slaps across his saggy old man chest. But Arn Anderson, a.k.a. Destiny (That's one of the four horsemen, right?), interferes allowing Freeworld to chop block Allstate right into a figure four leg lock. "Woooo!" Freeworld Juggernauts Wins.
Bret Hart (Hitmen 9-4) vs Cactus Jack (ARMAGEDDON 6-7)
The Hitman versus The Who The F@#k Let This Madman In Here?!
Hitmen finished the season on a 5-1 run, sniping opponents with big guns Adrian and Calvin. Tight end Brandon Myers has proven to be a key addition since his Week 10 acquisition. ARMAGEDDON's acquisition of Mike Wallace that same week has not proven as fruitful. The team couldn't string 2 wins together all season until back-to-back wins to close out the year. 'GEDDON tallied the 2nd most Points Against this season, but his scrappy willingness to keep being slammed onto a bed of thumbtacks and get right back up is what lands him a match in Fantasymania VIII. Can Hitmen put a sleeper hold on ARMAGEDDON? Or will ARMAGEDDON turn Mankind and Mandible Claw Hitmen into submission?
Season Points Avg: Hitmen - 122.46 vs 112.46 - ARMAGEDDON
One, Two, Three: ARMAGEDDON sends Hitmen and himself tumbling out of the ring with a Cactus Clothesline. But before 'GEDDON can settle, Hitmen dropkicks him to the ground and serves him up in the Sharpshooter, proving he's the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Hitmen wins.
Ted DiBiase (Da,Pope 8-5) vs Vader (Madden Curse 7-6)
Dollar Point Man versus The Masked Bull
The only Divisional matchup of Round One finds two teams who split their regular season series. Madden Curse got the upper hand in their most recent bout 6 weeks ago, scoring his highest output of the year: 143. Da,Pope took his frustrations out on his next 3 opponents, decimating them with 162.5-, 140-, and 165-point outputs with the help of hired muscle Marshall, Bryant, and Graham. After starting 1-4, Curse fought hard to have a legitimate shot at the Vertical Conference crown and finished the season 6-2. But Pope's record-setting points season was too much to top. Will Madden Curse Vader Bomb Da,Pope from the top rope? Or will Da,Pope get his valet Virgil to take Curse out like the garbage?
Season Points Avg: Da,Pope - 128.38 vs 110.85 - Madden Curse
One, Two, Three: Madden Curse hits Da,Pope with a German suplex. But Pope proves it's mo' money, less problems as he easily recovers, puts Madden to sleep with the Million Dollar Dream, and stuffs a bill in his mouth. "Everybody has a price." Da,Pope wins.
The Undertaker (G O O D G A W D 8-5) vs Diamond Dallas Page (RAC ON RAC ON RACKS 7-6)
The Deadman versus The Icy Cutter
Nobody is bouncing off the ropes as neither team currently has momentum. G A W D went on a painless 5-game winning streak starting Week 7 with "Smartin'" Doug Martin, but finished the season with back-to-back losses and a 61.5-point effort. Ouch. His opponent RACKS started the season strong then plummeted, losing 4 of his last 5 games. He did, however, make his finishing move his second-highest score of the season, a whopping 152.5 courtesy of misters Manning, Welker, and the re-emerging Garcon. This is the only matchup where the upper seed is the points underdog. Will G A W D have Paul Bearer and the power of the urn on his side? Or can RRR pull a DDP and put a Diamond Dream DDT on GG?
Season Points Avg: G O O D G A W D - 115.23 vs 117.08 - RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
One, Two, Three: RACKS puts GG in the Diamond Cutter. Turns the body over. One, two... G O O D G A W D sits up, unfazed. G A W D chokeslams RAC ON RAC ON RACKS and drags him to the edge of the ring. GG climbs to the top turnbuckle and unloads a guillotine leg drop onto RACKS' throat. G A W D climbs back into the ring only to be met with A Trip to the Diamond Mine as RACKS slams him to the mat. This could be anybody's match. RACKS puts G A W D in a ringpost figure four leglock. No submit. The Deadman feels no pain. RACKS resorts to a spinning discus clothesline only to be met with G A W D's steely cold hand on his throat. RACKS wildly struggles to get free, but there's no escaping it. G O O D G A W D places RAC ON RAC ON RACKS in the Tombstone Piledriver. Lights out. *Gonggg* G O O D G A W D wins.
It's the first time in a long time that I'll be watching Week 14 from ringside, so entertain me. Make it a spectacle.
Good luck to everyone this week.
May your folding tables come pre-cut, your steel chairs be flexible, and your elbow drops strike fair and true.
~That Steel Cage Mofo~