That Bearded Mofo

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Published Tue Sep 24, 2013 8:00pm PST

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They say the odds of an 0-3 team making the playoffs are "who gives a sh!t and shut the f@ck up, I hate this game". Or something like that. I'm not good with statistics.

But I am good with words and I've got some for you. It's time for my annual definition derby. Here are 7 more breakdowns of football lingo to buff up your football brain.

Play-Action Pass
Definition: A passing play after the quarterback has faked a handoff.
In a sentence: My local nightclub is the Play-Action Pass. I make a play for some action, but the ladies always pass.

Ball Carrier
Definition: Any player who has possession of the ball.
In a sentence: Since 1999, Bill has kept his testicles in Hillary's ball carrier.

Chop Block
Definition: A block below the knees.
In a sentence: My roommate is such a chop blocker.
Or: Cardinals safety Rashad Johnson likes to chop blocks of his fingers off.

Please don't click on that link above if you know what's good for you.

Definition: Verbal commands shouted by the quarterback to his teammates at the line of scrimmage to change a play on short notice.
In a sentence: If you wonder if Giants coach Tom Coughlin chewed new assholes into his players after the Panthers blanked them, you audible eve it.

Definition: The involuntary loss of possession of the ball during a play, either by a fumble or by throwing an interception.
In a sentence: If you get on a party bus, you'll soon have to turnover a new leaf.
Report: "'Jack' From 'Lost' Not Charged With Punching Woman In Titty And Twat"
Report: "Ravens Jacoby Takes Bottle Service Upside The Dome"

Definition: When the center, while facing forward, quickly hands the ball between his legs to a player standing behind him--usually the quarterback--to start the play.
In a sentence: Aww snap! Gotsta get me some cronuts.
Or: Snap out of it! That cronut costs $3.75.

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Croissant + Donut = Why you doing this to me?

Combo: Her snoring was so audible that I asked her to turnover, but she snapped at me.

Definition: When a defense uses 5 defensive backs as opposed to the usual 4, replacing a linebacker to increase its pass coverage.
In a sentence: If I had a nickel for every little thing I hate about the new iOS 7 update, I'd buy Apple, Inc. and fire everyone.
Or: When I asked Penny if she could spot me a dime, she told me, "Nickel, please!"

That's seven picked for you. Now here's another six picks.

RAC ON RAC ON RACKS over Savage Life in a close one with RACKS' banged up team just inching out Life's banged up and byed squad.

Black Francis Soyer and Hitmen in the first tie of the season and Gateway Fantasy league history.

Freeworld Savages over Allstate Mayhem thanks to the return of Gronkowski and despite a major upswing from last week's down game by Mayhem.

ARMAGEDDON over Detox due to GEDDON's formidable receiving corps.

Da,Pope over STLiens despite Boldin torching the Rams and Doug Martin netting 60 yards rushing.

That Bearded Mofo over Breaking Bad Tackles because I need a damn win. Brother, you're going out this Sunday just like Walter White!

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He IS the danger.
And he will be missed.

If you got a problem with my picks...tough beans! Ain't like you can say something about it.

Don't forget: we've got our first week of byes, so start saying "bye" to your heavy hitters and your wins you lucky sonsofbit...

~That Defined Mofo~

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