That Bearded Mofo

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Chain of Fools

Published Tue Oct 1, 2013 11:00pm PST

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I'm going to rant and rave about me for a little bit, so if you don't care about that, skip down about 15 or 16 paragraphs.

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Touch this butt to skip ahead.
But also know that you touched this butt.

I have the only winless team in the league. I have the 6th most points in the league--only half a point behind the 5th most--but I have no wins. I have to win 7 of the next 9 games to make it to the playoffs. Most teams would give up at this point. Claim defeat. Throw in the towel.

I'm no different. I quit.

I quit trying. Trying gets you nowhere.

Trying gets you abandoning your two tight end strategy, benching an underperforming, non-training-camping, soon-retiring Tony Gonzalez for an obnoxiously consistent Steve Johnson. Gonzalez gets 38; Johnson gets 1. I lose by 3.

It hurts. What hurts worse is that up until 20 minutes before Sunday kickoff, I didn't have Johnson in the lineup. I didn't have Gonzalez, either. I had Bilal Powell who ended up with 11.5. And 20 minutes before that, I had Eddie Royal slotted instead. Royal ended up with 7. If I had only been struck unconscious for 21 or more minutes before kickoff, I would have won.

All week long, I wrestled between Royal, Powell, and Jason Snelling who ended up with 2.5. Both Gonzalez and Johnson were out of the question for me? Why?

Gonzalez hadn't been delivering and he was slated to face the Patriots who were the #1 ranked opponent against tight ends. I didn't know that meant they would produce the #1 opposing tight end of the week. Also--and this is where fantasy lineup decisions get deadly--I was starting Gonzalez in another fantasy league, so if he did happen to go off this week, I could at least feel halfway good. We've all played in multiple leagues, and we've all hedged bets. We all also know from experience that hedging never produces the feeling we intend: we still get furious that we benched a stud in one league or furious that we started a dud in the other. But we still hedge, still always expecting to feel good about it in the end, because we're (choose one: crazy, idiots, always drunk).

Lil' Stevie Johnson was probable with an ankle injury. I knew he would play, but tweaked ankle plus rookie quarterback was enough to make me shy away. No thanks. I was sure Johnson wouldn't produce this week. I was certain he wouldn't. I knew I knew I knew he wouldn't. And I was right. So painfully, wrongly right. So I didn't put him anywhere near my lineup. Yet.

So that left me with a three-way fight between the other guys. Royal was hot the first two weeks, so I picked him up in Week 3. And I started him in Week 3 only because I felt like I was supposed to since I had just picked him up. So I started him and he immediately ate 3 turds. He hurt me, so I didn't want to start him again. But it was supposed to be a shootout with Big D in San D. I put him in.

Then I thought about Snelling; he had been doing welling. I very briefly considered him. I had just picked him up, so maybe I'm supposed to start hi--"HELL NAW!" my inner monologue screamed. "Remember how that logic screwed you with Royal last week?" In a sense, I was right. Snelling would have still landed me in the loss column by one and a half points. But if Lynch hadn't fumbled, Snelling would have been fine for the win. My whole team blew it for me, really.

Snelling never made it into the lineup, but Powell got a consideration. Bilal seemed the safest choice as he was the Jets' starting running back. But he was the Jets' only running back. And his QB is *foghorn*. Tennessee was sure to stuff him. But... He's a running back. And a running back who's sure to play on 95% of the offensive downs. He's in. I put him in.

I took him out. I look at Steve Johnson who I've snubbed every week. All he does is get double digit scores. And that's all I expect from him. Twelve points, minimum. It's the least he's done this year; it's the least he can do for me this week. Nope. Turns out one point is the least he can do for me this week. And he does it spectacularly.

So, am I mad I didn't start Gonzalez? Yes, but mostly no. I'm not mad that I didn't start Gonzalez. I'm mad I didn't start anybody other than Johnson. So many to choose from. So many chosen and subsequently unchosen. And the one that I settle on turns out to be the lowest scoring of the week. Why? Why do the fantasy football gods hate me?

I quit. I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit. No more thinking. No more strategy. Strategy doesn't matter. Strategy gets 0-4 all by yourself. Fantasy football is a sham and a disgrace.

But my linebacker got 24 points which is ridiculous, so I shouldn't have won anyway.

Ahoy there, skippers. Welcome to yadda yadda yadda association game. You've seen this before, you know how it works. The fewer the links, the stronger methinks. Example: Are Miley Cyrus' skanky actions leading to success?

Miley Cyrus > Bimbo logo > Bread > Money Stacks
>>>>>> Miley >>>>>>>>>>>> Bimbo >>>>>>>>>>>>> Bread >>>>>>>>>>>> Cash


Association 1
Republicans have caused a government shutdown because they haven't gotten their way with Obamacare. (They want to destroy it even though they watered down the bill, passed it, the President signed it into law and the Supreme Court declared it constitutional.) But they have to put people out of work because "Wah, wah! No fair! Obama did something." Is it possible that the Grand Old Party is a party of sore losers?

Republicans > Reagan > Trickle Down Economics > Voodoo Economics > Voodoo > Papa Shango > Papa Smurf > Gargamel > Azrael > Angel of Death > Marked For Death > Steven Seagal > Break necks > Weak necks > Babies

Wow, 14 connections say conservatives are ready to go nuclear on the American people they supposedly love and work hard for but overtly care nothing about.

Association 2
The Jacksonville Jaguars refuse to bring Touchdown Tim Tebow to the team despite pleas from fans, but rumor has it they're trying to lure people to the games with free booze. Are these losers really trying to liquor up losers?

Jacksonville > Jackson, Sam > "Yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!" > Lake of fire > Fire in the hole > Taco Bell > Tex-mex > T-Rex > T-Pain > "I'ma buy you a drank!"

A quick 9 links say the Jags are so awful you gotta be drunk to wanna watch.

Association 3
The AMC series Breaking Bad had its highest viewership ever this past Sunday, attracting 10.3 million for the show's last ever episode. Was the Breaking Bad series finale the best series finale ever as some (me) are saying?

Breaking Bad > "Break a leg." > Molded cast > Molded clay > Cassius Clay > Muhammad Ali > The Greatest

Okay, 6 connections is good. But we're talking Breaking Bad. I'll give you seven barrels full of desert-buried money if you'll let us do better.

Breaking Bad > Meth lab > Math lab > Chocolate lab > Pet dog > Petting zoo > Billy goat > The G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time)

7 connections? "Elliott, if we're gonna go that way, you'll need a bigger knife."

Breaking Bad > "I'm in the empire business." > "Eight hundred, five-eight-eight, two-three hundred. Empire!" > Carpet > Pee pee stain > Number one

5 connections. Good, but not good enough. "Cheer up, beautiful people. This is where you get to make it right."

Breaking Bad > Hitman > Bret "The Hitman" Hart > "The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be."

3 connections! Now you're cooking with methylamine.

Association 4
This weekend's Raiders-Chargers game has been moved to 11:35pm East Coast time to accommodate the day's worth of time it will take to convert Oakland's baseball stadium into Oakland's football stadium. That means the game will begin AFTER Sunday Night Football on NBC finishes. Why would the NFL show the Raiders so little respect?

Raiders > Oakland Coliseum > Sewage

'Nuff said. 2 links.

Well, I could play this game all day, but I won't. Let's get you out of here with one last puzzler, though, shall we?

Association 5
Who is destined for victory in the battle of one-win Freeworld Savages versus no-win Yours Truly this weekend?

Destiny > Destiny's Child > "Say my name, say my name" > Heisenberg > That Bearded Mofo

I'm not gonna argue with Walter White. Connect 4 says I rise like Maya Angelou.

See ya next week, folks.

~That Quitting Mofo~

Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
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Puerto Rican Fight says,
Oct 03, 2013 2:38:03 PM PST
I feel your pain about wack decisions. The first two weeks I lost by a total of 8 or 9 points and I made two "I'm smarter than this game" choices and they didn't pan out so now I find myself a bottom dweller as well. Good article Beard, you make my Nuck News look like a color in the lines worksheet. Black Fran