That Bearded Mofo



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Leading Up To This

Published Wed Nov 26, 2014 1:30am PST

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Well, it's Thanksgiving this Thursday. This is usually where I whip out everyone's emails telling me what they're thankful for. Like a great 10th season. Or a 10th straight win. Or a great commish who would never ever ever leave us.

But I don't see any emails. Hmm.

Not even one from our annual thanks giver St. Louis. No obscenity-laced tirade from the town this year. I guess because it didn't crack the top three of most dangerous cities of 2014. The researchers must not include riots and unarmed murders in their data.

Anyway, no emailbag. But it is Week 13, the last week of the fantasy football regular season. So it's time for my annual season-ending wrap up rap.

Er, scratch that. Song. This year it's a season-ending song.

Er, scratch that. Video. This year it's a season-ending music video. It's to the tune of Jamie Foxx's drunk's anthem Blame It. I've probably made a mistake by giving you visuals to go along with this annual tradition, but there's no turning back now. Enjoy.


This equals 3 hours sleep.

To hear the songs from 2013, 2012, and 2011, go back 16, 32, and 48 articles. Are those the numbers from Lost? If you're the type of person that prefers to read books instead of watching movies, the lyrics are below. And the audio-only version is at the click of this button right here:

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One more time? Okay!

Blame It On Your Draft

[Black Francis]
Blame it on abuse
All over the news
Blame it on the game
Thursday night is lame
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-aaaft


[That Bearded Mofo]
Hey!
The end of twenty-fourteen
And you know what that mean
Gotta recap all those things
That's been going down over these last three months
Like Big Ben's TD-rama
Nikki Minaj's "Anaconda"
And 7th Heaven's dad is wi-i-i-ild
Don't give him your child now


G'on let it sink in
End of your season
Comin' this weekend
Your team
Stinkin'
Making bad decisions like you're Jameis Winston
Twenty-fourteen's over in an instant
Jimmy Graham had jumped up
Joker squeezed his butt.
What?
Raiders lost a year now
I was unaware how
Bad things were with Percy Harvin, Percy Harvinnnn...

Blame it on abuse
All over the news
Blame it on the game
Thursday night is lame
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft

Blame it on London
Blame it on Ebola
Blame it on your iPhone 6 or Motorola
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-aaaft


You see
Reporter caught in mid pee
Another quit to sell weed
Both were live on TV
And Peyton Manning ripped the scoreboard guy
Couple guys knew how to sack well (sack well)
But their dances killed their ACL

That three-breasted woman was a li-i-i-ie
And Joan Rivers di-i-ied

G'on let it sink in
End of your season
Comin' this weekend
Your team
Stinkin'
Every pick you made only got you fenced in
Twenty-fourteen's over in an instant
LeSean's twenty cent tip
Found out who was Jack the Rip
Hoverboards a year away
I was unaware the way
Teammates felt about Russell Wilson, Russell Wilsonnnn...

Blame it on abuse
All over the news
Blame it on the game
Thursday night is lame
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft

Blame it on London
Blame it on Ebola
Blame it on your luggage getting lost in Pensacola
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft


[Black Francis]
Man, I know you tried haaaarrd
Just like the Rams
Couldn't catch a break, shoulda kept Michael Sam
They were trippin' (Said he couldn't play)
They were really trippin' (It's 'cause he was gay)
Just brush it off like it's old clothes
Down you a Dewitos
Losin' is a habit: you can kick it like Antonio
Straight to the face
of that Browns defender, man he opened up a case
And it made him say "Ow! Oww oww!"
Gotta research all your info
'Fore you try and hit the waiver wire (Google search on the wire)
Now you're lost on the wire (The world wide wire)
Watching kangaroos fiight, fii-iight
Then your pants start to twi-itch
With Kim K's nudie Paper ish
On the Internet hashtagging break that bi-iitch


Blame it on abuse
All over the news
Blame it on the game
Thursday night is lame
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft

Blame it on London
Blame it on Ebola
Blame it on your old school busted Motorola
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaft


[That Bearded Mofo]
Now to the playas that be ballin'
With your Murray, Brown, and Luck
Screaming scoring ain't a thang
You ain't never gonna suck
You 'gon wiiin
Let the playoffs begiiin.

But to the losers that were haltin'
With your Stacy, Doug, or Dalton
If the misery's been awful
Hell, at least you know it's coming
To an ennnd.
Gateway Season Te-e-ennnn!

You blame it on abuse
All over the news
Blame it on the game
Thursday night is lame
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft

Blame it on London
Blame it on Ebola
Blame it on your thirteenth shot of rum and cola
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aft
Blame it on your dra-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaft


Thanks ever once more to Black Francis Soyer for his time, production value, and overextended voice. I think it was worth izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sorry, I fell asleep at the keyboard. But don't you sleep on the playoffs. Here's how the race checks out.

GameTime Decision: I'm in.
RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: you're in.
The Black & the Goaled: you're in.
Black Francis Soyer: you're in.
Allstate Mayhem: you're in.
Hitmen: you're in.
Da,Pope: you're basically in.
STLiens: you're basically out.
Detox: you're out.
B.F. Vandal Savages: you're out.

That's 10 teams whose fates have been decided. Seven in, three out. Which leaves two teams fighting over one spot: ARMAGEDDON and Savage Life. Both teams are 5-7, which means if both teams lose this weekend, we'll have a 5-win team in the playoffs. That's Atlanta Falcons level football.

Before I continue on to what 'GEDDON and Savage Life need to do, let's address those two "basically" modifiers sitting up there. Pope is in the playoffs. Sure, technically, if he were to lose to ARMAGEDDON and score only, let's say, 60 points while Savage Life wins his game with a score of 187, then yes, Da,Pope would miss the playoffs. But that's ludicrous, so let's just say Pope is in.

It would be ludicrously ludicrous for STLiens to make it into the playoffs. Both ARMAGEDDON and Savage Life would have to lose and STLiens would have to outscore them by 207. The most anyone has ever scored in Gateway was 206.6.

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"Who was that again?"

So what's the gameplan for ARMAGEDDON? Win. Just win, baby. ARMAGEDDON leads Savage Life by 88.4 points, so a win would keep Savage Life at bay. If ARMAGEDDON were to outscore his opponent Da,Pope by 37.6, he would also climb into Pope's spot as the 7 seed.

Savage Life's gameplan is tougher. Lose. Just lose, please. As in, he needs ARMAGEDDON to lose and he himself needs to win. If they both win, Savage would need that 88.5 points to claim 8th place from ARMAGEDDON.

In other relevant Week 13 matchups, 2nd place RAC ON RAC ON RACKS plays 3rd place The Black & the Goaled for the Vertical Conference lead. RACKS is coming off an effed up loss; he had the second-highest score of the week, but his opponent Black Francis Soyer had the highest. This is the game of the week because it's the only one that pays mon-ayyy!

And that's it for the regular season of Gateway Season 10. Over these last three months we've collected so many tenmories. That's right. I'm still using that word and I'm going to keep using it until the clock strikes 2015. Thank you to each and every one of you for adding to it and making it special.

Until the next season, which is the post season.

~That Blamin' It Mofo~



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