That Bearded Mofo



First ArticlePrev Article
Next Article Latest Article





It's Getting Drafty

Published Tue Sep 7, 2015 11:00pm PST

image shaved off

Exactly ten years ago, a humble 8-team fantasy league began. Well, not so much humble as exactly the opposite of humble. I would say it was "in-your-face", but that was sooo ten seasons ago. And so are we.

Welcome to season 11 of the Gateway Fantasy Football League!

We begin this season as we do every season with a short but spiteful congratulations to last year's champ. This one is particularly hard for me, but I'm gonna do it anyway. So, here I go...

...

I can do this.

I can. Here it is...

Congrack--*cough* Sorry. Let me try again.

Congrayyy-- Nope, nope. Don't worry. I got this. For real this time.

Congratulations to season of tenmories champion Da,Pope! A member of the original eight, it's his second trophy in the last three seasons. To Da,Pope we all say good on you and good riddance to you.

Speaking of original eight, we have a new old member. John, a.k.a. Da Goonies, a.k.a. footBALLS DEEP, has returned to take over the same franchise he left behind for Marlon in 2011. As we bid Black Francis Soyer a fond farewell, we welcome back the newly- and appropriately-named team The Comeback Kid.

A lot happened in the world of football and, well... the world... in the last eight months and change since my last fake football article. We found a white African-American woman, Subway Jared had a dark secret you would have never guessed, and two NFL players--TWO!--blew off their fingers with 4th of July fireworks.

image shaved off

"Guess I'll have to make tackles with The Force now."

But it's time to set all that past craziness aside and prepare for future craziness like more teams going for the conversion and screwing your kicker out of easy points. I'm talking about you, Cody Parkey. Craziness like a catch not being a catch even though it's clearly a catch and has always been a catch. And craziness like losing the championship game because they removed your star QB early because he was getting hit too hard. I just needed 3 more points! All he had to do was stay in there and work off that interception!!

I am not bitter.

Long story not so short, it's time to enjoy(?) the often-frustrating game we love. And that begins with a draft.

Nothing particularly interesting happened during the Gateway draft this year, so I'm going to introduce a whole new format for this year's draft recap. We'll see each and every draft pick and I'll give you my winner and loser of each round.

All the wheeling and dealing of this year's draft picks during last year's season left some teams without much to do in the early rounds. That led to more wheeling and dealing in the days leading up to the draft as some teams desperately wanted to move up or regain draft picks. It was quite exciting. Not as exciting as a Chris Brown concert, but what is? That's an inside joke which you'll get inside of later.

When all was said and done, here's where the draft order and rosters stood at the beginning of the draft.

Draft Order and Keepers
1. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): WR Vincent Jackson (TB)
2. image shaved off Detox: RB Tre Mason (STL), WR Sammy Watkins (BUF)
3. image shaved off STLiens: WR Julio Jones (ATL)
4. image shaved off Savage Life: QB Aaron Rodgers (GB), RB LeSean McCoy (BUF)
5. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: QB Peyton Manning (DEN), WR Emmanuel Sanders (DEN)
6. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: RB Matt Forte (CHI), WR Randall Cobb (GB)
7. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: RB Le'Veon Bell (PIT), WR Demaryius Thomas (DEN), RB Jeremy Hill (CIN)
8. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: WR Odell Beckham, Jr. (NYG), WR Alshon Jeffery (CHI)
9. image shaved off Hitmen: WR Calvin Johnson (DET), TE Rob Gronkowski (NE)
10. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: RB Eddie Lacy (GB), WR Jordan Matthews (PHI)
11. image shaved off GameTime Decision: QB Andrew Luck (IND), WR Antonio Brown (PIT)
12. image shaved off Da,Pope: QB Tom Brady (NE), WR Dez Bryant (DAL), WR A.J. Green (CIN)

Winner: image shaved off The Black & The Gold
You add Jeremy Hill--a top-10 running back--AND still have your first round pick??? The move of the offseason.

Loser(s): image shaved off Da,Pope, image shaved off STLiens
I think the A.J. Green trade gave each of them less than what they had. Pope could have gotten a quality receiver with the 8th pick (Evans, Hopkins, Johnson, Maclin) and held onto his 4th rounder. STLiens gave up a top-8 receiver for a couple more shots at a pool of lesser talent. If that's what you wanna do, I guess.

Round 1
Pick 1. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): RB Marshawn Lynch (SEA)
Pick 2. image shaved off Detox: RB Jamaal Charles (KC)
Pick 3. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: WR Brandin Cooks (NO)
Pick 4. image shaved off Savage Life: RB Adrian Peterson (MIN)
Pick 5. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: RB C.J. Anderson (DEN)
Pick 6. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: RB DeMarco Murray (PHI)
Pick 7. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: WR T Y Hilton (IND)
Pick 8. image shaved off STLiens: RB Melvin Gordon (SD)
Pick 9. image shaved off Hitmen: RB Lamar Miller (MIA)
Pick 10. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: TE Jimmy Graham (SEA)
Pick 11. image shaved off GameTime Decision: RB Frank Gore (IND)
Pick 12. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: RB Latavius Murray (OAK)

Winner: image shaved off ARMAGEDDON
How can you not be the winner of the first round when you have three damn picks in it? He grabbed Cooks a lot higher than he needed to, but the fact that 'GEDDON walked away with Jimmy Graham all the way down at pick 10 is astounding. That alone earns him the win.

Loser: image shaved off STLiens
Melvin Gordon at number 8. For serious? STLiens traded away A.J. Green to pick Melvin Gordon. Well, actually, he didn't; his proxy did. "Proxy?" you ask. Yes. See, because of an emergency Chris Brown concert STLiens had to attend--despite agreeing upon and raising no objections to the draft date and time a month in advance--a friend drafted in his place. And STLiens got rookie Gordon instead of any of the following 17 or so rather-haves that were drafted immediately after. But at least he got to hear "Bitches N Mariuana" in person, maybe.

Round 2
Pick 13. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: QB Matthew Stafford (DET)
Pick 14. image shaved off GameTime Decision: WR Andre Johnson (IND)
Pick 15. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): WR Mike Evans (TB)
Pick 16. image shaved off Hitmen: WR DeAndre Hopkins (HOU)
Pick 17. image shaved off Detox: WR Davante Adams (GB)
Pick 18. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): WR Jeremy Maclin (KC)
Pick 19. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: WR Amari Cooper (OAK)
Pick 20. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: RB Mark Ingram (NO)
Pick 21. image shaved off Savage Life: WR DeSean Jackson (WAS)
Pick 22. image shaved off Da,Pope: RB Justin Forsett (BAL)
Pick 23. image shaved off Detox: QB Drew Brees (NO)
Pick 24. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): QB Ben Roethlisberger (PIT)

Winner: image shaved off Da,Pope
With the run on receivers kicked off by yours truly, Pope was able to snatch the 8th best running back of 2014 with the 22nd pick of a keeper league draft. Forsett finished above Lamar Miller, Jeremy Hill, C.J. Anderson, and LeSean McCoy last season and averaged less than a half point less than Jamaal Charles and within 2 points of Eddie Lacy and Arian Foster.

Loser: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
Where are your picks, dude?

Side Note: With RACKS' pick of Anderson in the 1st and my picks of Gore and Johnson in the 1st and 2nd along with our keepers, just consider us the Denver Broncos and Indianapolis Colts respectively.

Side Side Note: With Black's pick of Evans along with his keeper, just consider him the Tampa Bay Buccaneers receiving corps.

Round 3
Pick 25. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): RB Alfred Morris (WAS)
Pick 26. image shaved off Detox: WR John Brown (ARI)
Pick 27. image shaved off STLiens: TE Greg Olsen (CAR)
Pick 28. image shaved off Savage Life: TE Coby Fleener (IND)
Pick 29. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: WR Jarvis Landry (MIA)
Pick 30. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: WR Roddy White (ATL)
Pick 31. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: RB Doug Martin (TB)
Pick 32. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: RB Ameer Abdullah (DET)
Pick 33. image shaved off Hitmen: QB Russell Wilson (SEA)
Pick 34. image shaved off Detox: TE Travis Kelce (KC)
Pick 35. image shaved off GameTime Decision: RB Arian Foster (HOU)
Pick 36. image shaved off Da,Pope: TE Martellus Bennett (CHI)

Winner(s): image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up), image shaved off GameTime Decision
Any time you can get an upper level running back in the 3rd round, I'd call that a win. Of the running backs available in this draft (non-keepers), Morris ended last season as the 9th best. You may not think that sounds very stellar, but...who else is Washington going to rely on this year? Kirk Cousins?
Foster is currently (and perpetually) hurt which is what kept him from being snatched in the 1st, but his timetable for return keeps getting smaller and smaller.

Loser: image shaved off Detox
John Brown is the #3 receiver on the team. Yeah, a lot of experts have him ranked as the top Cardinals ball catcher, but that's the top of a list that includes Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Floyd. That sounds like New Orleans Saints territory to me: you don't know who's gonna get the ball. All you know is Brown will spend the third most time on the field.

Side Note: STLiens went tight end with Olsen. He could've gotten Jimmy Graham in the first round and still gotten Melvin Gordon, if he wanted to, with this pick. Or still Olsen and go 2TE.

Round 4
Pick 37. image shaved off STLiens: RB Andre Ellington (ARI)
Pick 38. image shaved off GameTime Decision: RB Carlos Hyde (SF)
Pick 39. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: WR Julian Edelman (NE)
Pick 40. image shaved off Hitmen: WR Keenan Allen (SD)
Pick 41. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: WR Golden Tate (DET)
Pick 42. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: DL J.J. Watt (HOU)
Pick 43. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: WR Victor Cruz (NYG)
Pick 44. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: TE Zach Ertz (PHI)
Pick 45. image shaved off Savage Life: WR Larry Fitzgerald (ARI)
Pick 46. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: LB Luke Kuechly (CAR)
Pick 47. image shaved off Detox: DL Robert Quinn (STL)
Pick 48. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): TE Delanie Walker (TEN)

Winner: image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up)
By waiting four rounds and until his 6th pick, Black was able to scoop up Delanie Walker who averaged the same points as Travis Kelce and Coby Fleener last year. Kelce and Fleener were drafted 14 and 20 picks earlier.

Loser: image shaved off GameTime Decision
Silly me for thinking I could wait 'til Round 5 to get J.J. and Kuechly. *sigh* Et tu, Quinn?

Side Note: After 3 straight rounds of Detroit lovin', ARMAGEDDON has the QB, RB, and WR to make him the Detroit Lions.

Round 5
Pick 49. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): RB Todd Gurley (STL)
Pick 50. image shaved off Detox: WR Mike Wallace (MIN)
Pick 51. image shaved off GameTime Decision: TE Owen Daniels (DEN)
Pick 52. image shaved off Savage Life: QB Matt Ryan (ATL)
Pick 53. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: WR Allen Robinson (JAC)
Pick 54. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: TE Jason Witten (DAL)
Pick 55. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: WR Brandon Marshall (NYJ)
Pick 56. image shaved off Detox: RB Alfred Blue (HOU)
Pick 57. image shaved off Hitmen: RB Joseph Randle (DAL)
Pick 58. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: RB C.J. Spiller (NO)
Pick 59. image shaved off GameTime Decision: D/ST Seahawks (SEA)
Pick 60. image shaved off Da,Pope: RB T.J. Yeldon (JAC)

Winner: image shaved off The Black & The Goaled
Why is everyone so down on Brandon Marshall? Even with his injuries and off-field problems last season, he still finished ahead of the likes of Keenan Allen and Larry Fitzgerald and only a point behind Vincent Jackson. I mean, sure he's now got Geno Smith throwing the ball--oh, wait, no. That dude's on the sidelines dealing with a busted face. Instead, he's got a better quarterback on a team that made Eric Decker the #26 fantasy receiver in 2014.

Loser: image shaved off Savage Life
I don't understand this pick for this team in this round. Matt Ryan in Round 5 is perfectly fine for most. But Savage Life already has Aaron Rodgers who will start every single week but the bye. With this pick, Savage could've stashed another receiver with breakout potential like Marshall, Steve Smith, Nelson Agholor, or Allen Robinson. Or he could have started on his IDP or picked up a defense. It just seems like a wasted pick unless he's expecting Rodgers to have a down year.

Round 6
Pick 61. image shaved off Da,Pope: WR Steve Smith, Sr. (BAL)
Pick 62. image shaved off GameTime Decision: LB Lavonte David (TB)
Pick 63. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: WR Charles Johnson (MIN)
Pick 64. image shaved off Hitmen: WR Nelson Agholor (PHI)
Pick 65. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: TE Jordan Cameron (MIA)
Pick 66. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: LB Paul Posluszny (JAC)
Pick 67. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: QB Philip Rivers (SD)
Pick 68. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: WR Brian Quick (STL)
Pick 69. image shaved off Savage Life: D/ST Patriots (NE)
Pick 70. image shaved off STLiens: D/ST Bills (BUF)
Pick 71. image shaved off Detox: WR Torrey Smith (SF)
Pick 72. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): D/ST Eagles (PHI)

Winner: image shaved off Hitmen
We all know Philly likes a high-octane offense. If--IF!--Bradford stays healthy, I expect big fantasy things from Agholor.

Loser: image shaved off Detox
There's nothing in the way of WR2 left at this point, but Detox needs better receiver depth and Torrey Smith in San Francisco won't cut it. I just don't expect much from Kaepernick this season, at least not enough to benefit the receivers.

Round 7
Pick 73. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): LB Navorro Bowman (SF)
Pick 74. image shaved off Detox: D/ST Rams (STL)
Pick 75. image shaved off STLiens: RB Jonathan Stewart (CAR)
Pick 76. image shaved off Savage Life: RB Joique Bell (DET)
Pick 77. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: TE Tyler Eifert (CIN)
Pick 78. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: D/ST Broncos (DEN)
Pick 79. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: QB Ryan Tannehill (MIA)
Pick 80. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: WR Martavis Bryant (PIT)
Pick 81. image shaved off Hitmen: D/ST Jets (NYJ)
Pick 82. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: WR Kendall Wright (TEN)
Pick 83. image shaved off GameTime Decision: WR DeVante Parker (MIA)
Pick 84. image shaved off Da,Pope: D/ST Texans (HOU)

Winner: image shaved off STLiens
Jonathan Stewart is the clear cut starter. Period. Sure, Cam Newton acts as the leading rusher for the Panthers and will certainly vulture more rushing TDs than he needs to. But Stewart ended last season as the #25 RB and he was splitting time with DeAngelo Williams then. This year, he's the 29th back taken off the board. That math don't add up.

Loser: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
Mayhem got a late start what with all the traded away draft picks and opted to stock up on low-grade wide receivers instead of pursuing a top-12 QB. At this point, STLiens was the only other team who didn't have a QB, so Allstate probably figured he could wait. You know who else could wait? Kendall Wright.

Round 8
Pick 85. image shaved off Da,Pope: DL Calais Campbell (ARI)
Pick 86. image shaved off GameTime Decision: DB Morgan Burnett (GB)
Pick 87. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: LB C.J. Mosley (BAL)
Pick 88. image shaved off Hitmen: LB Bobby Wagner (SEA)
Pick 89. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: QB Tony Romo (DAL)
Pick 90. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: TE Kyle Rudolph (MIN)
Pick 91. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: QB Eli Manning (NYG)
Pick 92. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: K Stephen Gostkowski (NE)
Pick 93. image shaved off Savage Life: K Mason Crosby (GB)
Pick 94. image shaved off STLiens: QB Cam Newton (CAR)
Pick 95. image shaved off Detox: QB Joe Flacco (BAL)
Pick 96. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): WR Eddie Royal (CHI)

Winner: image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up)
Eddie Royal is the #2 with rookie Kevin White out for maybe the entire season. Plus Alshon was walking around in a boot during preseason. Someone has to catch the ball and Brandon Marshall ain't in Chicago no more. Royal is a big time sleeper pick.

Loser: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
They took ALL the QBs. Allstate should've taken Bart Scott's advice.

Side Note: Hey, remember that whole Cam Newton vulturing Jonathan Stewart issue? No longer a problem for STLiens who went ahead and picked up Cam too.

Round 9
Pick 97. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): QB Sam Bradford (PHI)
Pick 98. image shaved off Detox: WR Terrance Williams (DAL)
Pick 99. image shaved off STLiens: WR Percy Harvin (BUF)
Pick 100. image shaved off Savage Life: TE Julius Thomas (JAC)
Pick 101. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: D/ST Panthers (CAR)
Pick 102. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: K Cody Parkey (PHI)
Pick 103. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: WR Michael Floyd (ARI)
Pick 104. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: RB Tevin Coleman (ATL)
Pick 105. image shaved off Hitmen: DB Harrison Smith (MIN)
Pick 106. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: RB Chris Ivory (NYJ)
Pick 107. image shaved off GameTime Decision: DL Rob Ninkovich (NE)
Pick 108. image shaved off Da,Pope: WR Markus Wheaton (PIT)

Winner: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
Mayhem missed hard on QB, might as well say "eff it" and keep looking elsewhere. That's how he lucked up on Chris Ivory who finished as the #21 RB last season. Bilal Powell is no real threat to Ivory. And Zac Stacy...well, he had an opportunity last year too and he didn't do anything with it.

Loser: image shaved off Detox
Terrance Williams ranked 53rd among wide receivers last season, right underneath his new fantasy teammate John Brown. Explain this decision.

Round 10
Pick 109. image shaved off Da,Pope: TE Vernon Davis (SF)
Pick 110. image shaved off GameTime Decision: RB Rashad Jennings (NYG)
Pick 111. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: TE Jordan Reed (WAS)
Pick 112. image shaved off Hitmen: DL Carlos Dunlap (CIN)
Pick 113. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: DB Eric Weddle (SD)
Pick 114. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: QB Teddy Bridgewater (MIN)
Pick 115. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: LB Sean Lee (DAL)
Pick 116. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: DL Everson Griffen (MIN)
Pick 117. image shaved off Savage Life: RB Shane Vereen (NYG)
Pick 118. image shaved off STLiens: WR Phillip Dorsett (IND)
Pick 119. image shaved off Detox: LB Jamie Collins (NE)
Pick 120. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): TE Larry Donnell (NYG)

Winner: image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up)
Donnell was a top-12 fantasy TE last year and he'll probably be spending all this year on Black's bench behind Delanie Walker. Now that's tight end depth.

Loser: image shaved off The Black & The Goaled
Bridgewater is not a bad pick at 114. It's just that he's on the same bye as Black & Goaled's other QB Tannehill. Oops.

Round 11
Pick 121. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): K Adam Vinatieri (IND)
Pick 122. image shaved off Detox: TE Charles Clay (BUF)
Pick 123. image shaved off STLiens: WR Devin Funchess (CAR)
Pick 124. image shaved off Savage Life: D/ST Cardinals (ARI)
Pick 125. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: DB T.J. McDonald (STL)
Pick 126. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: DL Mario Williams (BUF)
Pick 127. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: K Steven Hauschka (SEA)
Pick 128. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: K Matt Prater (DET)
Pick 129. image shaved off Hitmen: RB Darren McFadden (DAL)
Pick 130. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: QB Blake Bortles (JAC)
Pick 131. image shaved off GameTime Decision: QB Jameis Winston (TB)
Pick 132. image shaved off Da,Pope: LB DeAndre Levy (DET)

Winner: image shaved off Detox
It's hard to suss out winners and losers when you get into the double digit rounds. Charles Clay was the #15 TE in 2014 and in the top 10 the year before that. He's in Buffalo now instead of Miami, but his predecessor Scott Chandler milled around the #15 mark the last few seasons, so Clay should do well. Doesn't matter, though, because Detox has Kelce to start.

Loser: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
I can't get over this QB thing. Blake Frickin' Bortles?? You waited 8 draftable rounds for Blake Fargin' Bortles? Jay Cutler, Colin Kaepernick, Andy Dalton, Alex Smith, Derek Carr, Ryan Fitzpatrick. These are all quarterbacks who outscored Bortles last year and were still available at the time of this pick. Four of them are still available at the time of this writing. This is the silliest thing I've ever heard. What secrets do you know of? Did you witness a mystic shaman sell Blake Bortles a genie bottle? Did one sell one to you? I'm just trying to figure this one out.

Side Note: With the selection of Carolina receiver Devin Funchess--his 3rd Panther chosen in 5 rounds--on top of Greg Olsen in the 3rd, STLiens is now the Carolina Panthers. With a QB-RB-WR-TE package, he outdoes all us other pseudo-teams. His TV is stuck on Panthers Nation every Sunday this year.

Round 12
Pick 133. image shaved off Da,Pope: D/ST Dolphins (MIA)
Pick 134. image shaved off GameTime Decision: TE Antonio Gates (SD)
Pick 135. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: D/ST Packers (GB)
Pick 136. image shaved off Hitmen: D/ST Ravens (BAL)
Pick 137. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: D/ST Chiefs (KC)
Pick 138. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: DB Reshad Jones (MIA)
Pick 139. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: TE Jared Cook (STL)
Pick 140. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: LB Khalil Mack (OAK)
Pick 141. image shaved off Savage Life: WR Marques Colston (NO)
Pick 142. image shaved off STLiens: DL Cameron Wake (MIA)
Pick 143. image shaved off Detox: K Justin Tucker (BAL)
Pick 144. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): DL Fletcher Cox (PHI)

Winner: image shaved off GameTime Decision
Gates got back to form the last couple of seasons. Provided he doesn't lose a step coming off of whatever PEDs he was using, he'll be an upgrade come mid-season.

Loser: image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Linebacker Khalil Mack may be a star for the Raiders, but he doesn't really translate into fantasy points. Mack had 4 sacks last season while Detroit's Levy had 2.5 and Carolina's Kuechly had 3. But while Levy and Kuechly ranked 1 and 2 in fantasy, Mack finished 52nd. Fifty. Second. Big plays are cool, but tackles matter.

Round 13
Pick 145. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): DB Rashad Johnson (ARI)
Pick 146. image shaved off Detox: DB Charles Woodson (OAK)
Pick 147. image shaved off STLiens: LB Vic Beasley (ATL)
Pick 148. image shaved off Savage Life: LB Karlos Dansby (CLE)
Pick 149. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: RB Bishop Sankey (TEN)
Pick 150. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: WR Pierre Garcon (WAS)
Pick 151. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: RB Isaiah Crowell (CLE)
Pick 152. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: DL Cameron Jordan (NO)
Pick 153. image shaved off Hitmen: K Dan Bailey (DAL)
Pick 154. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: WR Dorial Green-Beckham (TEN)
Pick 155. image shaved off GameTime Decision: WR Anquan Boldin (SF)
Pick 156. image shaved off Da,Pope: K Brandon McManus (DEN)

Winner: image shaved off Detox
Woodson has been a top-7 DB the last two years, finishing 3rd last season. Detox got him as the 7th defensive back off the board.

Loser: image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
RACKS' pick Sankey played every game his rookie season and never had more than 74 combined yards in any of them. Meanwhile, Ryan Mathews, Giovani Bernard, and LeGarrette Blount were still out there.

Round 14
Pick 157. image shaved off Da,Pope: QB Andy Dalton (CIN)
Pick 158. image shaved off GameTime Decision: WR Eric Decker (NYJ)
Pick 159. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: WR Brandon Coleman (NO)
Pick 160. image shaved off Hitmen: RB Ryan Mathews (PHI)
Pick 161. image shaved off ARMAGEDDON: RB Giovani Bernard (CIN)
Pick 162. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: DB Earl Thomas (SEA)
Pick 163. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: LB Alec Ogletree (STL)
Pick 164. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: QB Nick Foles (STL)
Pick 165. image shaved off Savage Life: DL Jason Pierre-Paul (NYG)
Pick 166. image shaved off STLiens: DB Ha Ha Clinton-Dix (GB)
Pick 167. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): RB LeGarrette Blount (NE)

Winner: image shaved off Hitmen
The Eagles plan to run and pass and everything. It's a team that's right up Ryan Mathews' alley.

Loser: image shaved off Savage Life
How is JPP gonna get in a 3-point stance? He ain't got no fingers.

Round 15
Pick 168. image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up): D/ST Lions (DET)
Pick 169. image shaved off STLiens: QB Tyrod Taylor (BUF)
Pick 170. image shaved off Savage Life: DB Antoine Bethea (SF)
Pick 171. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: RB Danny Woodhead (SD)
Pick 172. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: DB Michael Griffin (TEN)
Pick 173. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: D/ST Bengals (CIN)
Pick 174. image shaved off Hitmen: TE Mychal Rivera (OAK)
Pick 175. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: RB Ronnie Hillman (DEN)
Pick 176. image shaved off GameTime Decision: K Matt Bryant (ATL)
Pick 177. image shaved off Da,Pope: DB John Cyprien (JAC)

Winner: image shaved off The Comeback Kid
If Tennesee's Griffin finishes 4th among D-backs like he did last season, then this is the steal of the draft as the 11th DB selected.

Loser: image shaved off Back 2 Black (Charged Up)
You don't need two defenses. ... Yeah, it's pretty impossible to choose a loser in Round 15.

Round 16
At this point, some picks got skipped that shouldn't have been because everything got confused with all the pick trading prior to the draft. So from here on out, these are just the rest of the picks that were recorded in the draft.

Pick 178. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: QB Marcus Mariota (TEN)
Pick 179. image shaved off Hitmen: QB Colin Kaepernick (SF)
Pick 180. image shaved off The Comeback Kid: D/ST Vikings (MIN)
Pick 181. image shaved off RAC ON RAC ON RACKS: WR Cecil Shorts III (HOU)
Pick 182. image shaved off Savage Life: K Randy Bullock (HOU)
Pick 183. image shaved off STLiens: DL Chandler Jones (NE)

Winner: image shaved off Hitmen
Hitmen doesn't need much from Kaepernick, but in picking him at 179, he gets a guy who's been around the #15 QB over the last two years. That ain't bad.

Loser: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
I actually like the pick of Marcus Mariota as a #2 fantasy QB. Problem is, Allstate still needs a better #1 and there are plenty out there.

Side Note: By adding Mariota in this round, Green-Beckham 3 rounds earlier, and Wright all the way back in the 7th, Allstate Mayhem becomes the Tennessee Titans' passing game.

Round 17
Pick 184. image shaved off STLiens: RB Duke Johnson (CLE)
Pick 185. image shaved off The Black & The Goaled: WR Michael Crabtree (OAK)
Pick 186. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: K Greg Zuerlein (STL)
Pick 187. image shaved off Da,Pope: RB Devonta Freeman (ATL)

Winner: image shaved off STLiens
When he gets healthy, Duke Johnson is supposed to be the greatest running back of all time ever according to hyperbolic experts.

Loser: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
Zuerlein hasn't ranked higher than 20th among kickers in the last 3 years.

Round 18
Pick 188. image shaved off Allstate Mayhem: DL Ezekiel Ansah (DET)

Winner: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
Because it was the only pick left.

Loser: image shaved off Allstate Mayhem
Because it was the only pick left.

And those are your winners and losers of the 2015 Gateway Fantasy Football Draft.

This year sees a shake up in the divisions. The Vertical Conference now consists of Hitmen, The Black & The Goaled, and Savage Life in the North while ARMAGEDDON, STLiens, and GameTime Decision settle into the South. In the Horizontal Conference, we have Da,Pope, RAC ON RAC ON RACKS, and Allstate Mayhem in the East and Back 2 Black (Charged Up), The Comeback Kid, and Detox holding it down in the West.

Before we go, let's take a quick look at the Week 1 matchups. The winners of the last 3 titles go into an East Division battle as reigning champ Da,Pope faces off against 2013 winner RAC ON RAC ON RACKS. Westerners and multi-time Super Bowl opponents The Comeback Kid and Back 2 Black square off against one another. We should see some Northern Lights as The Black & The Goaled and Hitmen get into an explosive battle. And neither ARMAGEDDON nor STLiens plan to show the other any Southern hospitality in their division skirmish. For the rest of us, it's interconference play as the West's Detox goes toe-to-toe with the South's GameTime Decision. And savagery meets mayhem literally when Savage Life of the North meets Allstate Mayhem of the East.

The magic begins this Thursday night as cheatin' Tom Brady and the (unfortunately) Super Bowl champion Patriots take on the Pittsburgh Suspendeds--I mean, Steelers. Don't forget to set your DVRs. And your lineups. And your NFL picks, if you're playing that game.

Good luck to everyone this season, particularly to that handsome devil in the mirror. *rawr*

~That Life Begins At 11 Mofo~



Comments (aka, the worst part of the Internet):
Make sure you're logged in. If you're not, I'd suggest copying all that text you just wrote before it goes bye-bye.



North

South

East

West