Be On The Lookout
Published Tue Sep 15, 2015 10:50pm PST
Sometimes, fantasy football gets ugly. Not as ugly as the Browns' new uniforms, but pretty damn close.
Say for instance, you're up 42 points going into Monday night. The game is yours. Until your opponent's kicker goes for 14 and his running back goes for 31 and fantasy football is a sonofabitch. That's rough. Hell, I feel bad about it and I'm the one who won. Side note: I don't feel that bad about it.
But the good news in this case is that it was just Week 1. Half the league has an L. And even though, technically, not everyone is equal anymore, everyone is still pretty freaking equal. We're like Texans QBs Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett. Coach Bill O'Brien told them to their faces that they're "really not that big of a difference." And he meant that shit as he made Hoyer the starter for three whole quarters.
I've got something brand new for you this week. You've seen them at the post office. You've seen them on billboards. You've seen them Saturdays on FOX in the '90s. Perpetrators of some of the most heinous offenses known to mankind, they must be held accountable for their crimes. These are the persons of most interest this week. These are That Bearded Mofo's Most Wanted.
Perpetrator: Derek Carr
For the crime of: Attempted stiff arming
Last seen: Headed to the locker room after injuring his hand while doing his best Bo Jackson impression
If you should find Derek Carr, shout at him, "Slide! Slide!" Then feel free to break out into the tootsee roll and roll your tootsees. I feel a whoop coming on! A whoop coming-- Seriously though, dude, slide. You're not a fullback.
Perpetrator: Adam "Pacman" Jones
For the crimes of: Dehelmetization; Inexplicable rage
Last seen: Trying to split Amari Cooper's head like a coconut
If you should find Adam Jones, slap some sense into him. It's O.co Coliseum, not Omaha Beach. You'd think Cooper must have done something pretty dirty to make Pacman go through all the motions of attempted murder. But no. Cooper's only provocation was wearing a Raiders uniform, as if that wasn't punishment enough.
Perpetrator: Sun Valley marijuana growers with a body in a refrigerator
For the crime of: Being a story you'd straight up see on Breaking Bad
Last seen: With a godd**m body in a refrigerator!
If you should find the Sun Valley marijuana growers, be cautious because they are the literal chillin' villains. Avoid using phrases such as "cool", "cold as ice", and "Ziploc freezer bag".
Perpetrator: Chip Kelly
For the crime of: Illegal dumping of players
Last seen: Wondering what happened
If you should find Chip Kelly, ask him why he's an Eagles veteracist. That's veteran racist, by which I mean he's racist against veterans of the Eagles not that he's a veteran at racism. And I don't mean that he hates just Black Eagles veterans, but all Eagles veterans, so I guess racist is not the right word. He got rid of all the Eagles veterans except for the racist. But I've gotten off course. The point is, if you should find Chip Kelly, politely remind him that his recently discarded RB McCoy, his recently discarded WR Maclin, and his recently discarded QB Foles all won with their new teams this weekend while Kelly and his replacements lost.
Perpetrator: Kelsey Wood
For the crime of: BDUI (boogying down under the influence)
Last seen: Not giving a f**k about spike strips
If you should find Kelsey Wood, find out what she was grooving to. My guess is This American Life, because we all know Ira Glass is 'bout that life. It's in the title.
Perpetrator: Joseph Randle's right hand
For the crime of: Sticktuitiveness
Last seen: Defying the laws of physics
If you should find Randle's right hand, what the hell did you do with the rest of him? I heard that after Sunday night's game, Joseph Randle and Odell Beckham Jr. shook hands. They were stuck together for three hours.
Perpetrator: Moses Malone, a.k.a the "Chairman of the Boards"
For the crime of: Leaving us too soon (May he rest in peace)
Last seen: Leading the NBA in career offensive rebounds
If you should find Moses Malone, don't give him five. Give him "Fo', fo', fo'."
Perpetrator: 'Hood memes
For the crime of: Splitting sides
Last seen: Crawling the walls of facebook and Instagram
If you should find 'hood memes, prepare for 'hood comments like "lhh", "ctfu", "hell naw", "wuts gud fam?", and 20 misspelled run-on sentences that are (unintentionally) funnier than the meme itself.
Perpetrator: Extra point kicks
For the crime of: Hostage-taking
Last seen: Forcing viewers to stick around until the commercial break thanks to the slight increase in misses
If you should find an extra point kick, you must be watching the Titans, because they lived in the end zone this weekend.
Perpetrator: Michigan man who caught his wife in bed with her father
For the crime of: Excessive messed uppedness
Last seen: Getting stabbed by the father-in-law who cuckolded him
If you should find the Michigan man who caught... You know what? I can't type that again. I can hardly even believe I read it. The wife says she was drunk and doesn't know what happened. I side-eyed that so hard, I sprained my retinas. But whatever; give her the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, if you find the Michigan man, tell him to just get in his car and-- What's that? His father-in-law drove away in his car after he stabbed him? I'm done with this story.
Perpetrator: Fantasy stud duds
For the crime of: Points shaving
Last seen: Submitting "For Your Consideration" ads for the Screwy Awards
If you should find Peyton Manning, Adrian Peterson, or any of the many number of fantasy stalwarts who bit it hard this week, give them a hug. And then a pat on the back. And a nudge on the chin. A punch in the arm. A kick in the pants. Slug to the gut. Just get 'em. GET 'EM!!!
If you should find Mama rabbit, do not look her in the eye. Do not look her bunnies in the eye. It does not matter that you are stronger than her. She does not quit. She will not quit until her enemy is no more. She will dominate all living creatures on this planet and the next. And she will look adorable doing it.
That's this week's 12 Most Wanted. But what's really on my most wanted list is another fantasy win. Meanwhile, some are still looking for their first. Either Savage Life (0-1) or Back 2 Black (Charged UP) (0-1) will get it in their matchup this week as will either RAC ON RAC ON RACKS (0-1) or The Black & The Goaled (0-1) in theirs. Savage Life needs the Adrian Peterson that has been promised yet wholly undelivered while Black hopes for a tinge more production from his wide receivers. RACKS can either have or cause a heart attack depending on what kind of Denver offense shows up this week. And Black & Goaled will just try to roll with the injuries that has befallen him.
It's undefeated versus winless in the only two division battles this week as GameTime Decision (1-0) takes on STLiens (0-1) while The Comeback Kid (1-0) takes on Detox (0-1). GameTime hopes to not have to rely on an outrageous Monday night performance to win this week, even though a quarter of his team is scheduled for MNF. And STLiens needs Cam and Olsen to connect over and over and over again. Comeback's Week 1 was so solid, he just wants everybody to keep doing what they're doing while Detox just wants Sammy Watkins to actually show up on the stat line.
And in the all-winners bracket, ARMAGEDDON (1-0) squares off against Allstate Mayhem (1-0) while Hitmen (1-0) goes toe to toe with Da,Pope (1-0). ARMAGEDDON needs Beckham and Cooks to get cooking while Allstate has some tough choices to make with his embarrassment of riches at flex. After bustin' 172.3, Hitmen dreams of jumping 200 if Miller would only join in and if Calvin Johnson would go back to being Calvin Johnson. And losing Dez puts Da,Pope in a sore spot.
Good luck to everybody who's not going against me. That's all for this week. Stay out of trouble or you may find yourself WANTED.
~That Bounty Hunting Mofo~