Men Of A Certain Rage - sponsored by Draft Hobo
Published Tue Sep 22, 2015 11:15pm PST
The Colts are sooooo bad. How bad are they? They're so bad, I'll finish this joke later. Keep reading.
After another terrible week of fantasy performances across the NFL, the Gateway League is left with three undefeateds, three totally defeateds, and a gang of six .500s in the middle. That Week 1 172-pointer leaves Hitmen on top in points and in the standings. RACKS finds himself 0-2 despite having outscored two of the Week 2 winners; at least he's doing sweet in the pick 'ems. And the South Division is anybody's game with GameTime, STLiens, and ARMAGEDDON all knotted at 1-1.
But enough of that boring stuff. I've got your attention and I don't want to fumble it away like Jamaal Charles at the end of regulation. I'm gonna just take a knee and send this into overtime. Okay, I'm losing you. Quick. Knee! Knee!!
It's time to get on to what you're all here for. It's time to raise 'em up to those who let 'em down. It's time for the 11th Annual Screwy Awards presented by Draft Hobo!
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Now onto the waccolades. Let's start with ripping Andrew Luck a new dookie chute--I mean... I don't know who's gonna win our first category: Quarterbacks.
The "This Week's NFC QB Meeting Will Be Held In The Occupational Rehab Ward" Award - Quarterbacks
Tony Romo, 9.9 pts
Nick Foles, 13.6 pts
Andrew Luck, 14.9 pts
And the Screwy goes to Andrew Luck.
What the Luck happened? This is Lucking ridiculous. Two games, six turnovers. It took Luck 5 games to rack up that many giveaways last season and he still averaged 34.5 points a game doing it. Now he's averaging 19. MotherLucker! The Jets made him look like some bushy-faced Indianan climbed out of the stands to join the punt, pass, kick competition. What a Lucked up score. And his yards and completion percentage actually improved from Week 1. Improved! LUCK!
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The "Marshawn's Mama Hates Your Play Calling #nfldontpayme#" Award - Running Backs
Jeremy Hill, 0.6 pts
Eddie Lacy, 0.9 pts
Ameer Abdullah, 2.3 pts
Joique Bell, 2.8 pts
Rashad Jennings, 3.4 pts
Bishop Sankey, 4.2 pts
Carlos Hyde, 6.1 pts
Jonathan Stewart, 6.7 pts
Lamar Miller, 6.7 pts
Chris Ivory, 7.0 pts
Marshawn Lynch, 7.7 pts
DeMarco Murray, 8.9 pts
And the Screwy goes to everybody. Not really, but just about. Screwys to Hill, Lacy, Abdullah, and Bell.
Hill finished last season with 3 straight games of 100 yards or more rushing but starts this season with 102 yards over 2 games. And 2 big ol' floppy fumbles to stick it to fantasy owners this week. Ameer Abdullah had 6 carries for 9 yards. Who does he play for? The Eagles? This guy is supposed to be ripping away the starting job from Joique Bell. How's he gonna do it with numbers like that? Easily. Bell had 4 carries for 2 yards. Well damn. Who is this team? The Eagles? These running backs were so bad, Michael Jackson challenged them to a dance off in a subway station. At least Lacy had an excuse: he got hurt. He still gets an award, though. Ain't no excuses when it comes to Screwys.
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The "Domino's Chicken Wings Are Money, Literally" Award - Wide Receivers
Keenan Allen, 3.6 pts
Andre Johnson, 5.7 pts
Mike Wallace, 6.8 pts
Davante Adams, 8.3 pts
Markus Wheaton, 8.7 pts
Percy Harvin, 9.4 pts
John Brown, 9.5 pts
Jeremy Maclin, 9.7 pts
And the Screwy goes to Keenan Allen.
C'mon, Allen, my grandmama was at that game. How you gonna do owners like this? Sure, you had five similar 4-point-ish games last season. But you're... You're supposed to be good... this... seaso--You know what? Our bad. Our bad for believing in you.
The "You Need A 2nd, 3rd, And 4th Job Just To Pay The Cable Bill" Award - Tight Ends
Jimmy Graham, 2.1 pts
Austin Seferian-Jenkins, 4.9 pts
Martellus Bennett, 8.8 pts
Coby Fleener, 0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Jimmy Graham.
Jimmy Graham is the man! Let me be clear: To hate. Jimmy Graham is the man to hate. Let me be clearer: This week. Jimmy Graham is the man to hate this week. One catch, two targets. I guess that's what happens when you're a huge red zone threat: the defense covers you like a blanket. Just ask Rob Gronkowski. Hey, Rob, how many catches and targets did you get against the tough Bills D?
Gronkowski: Seven and thirteen.
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The "Scott Walker Wants Trump Kicked To The Curb" Award - Kickers
Cody Parkey, 4.0
Matt Prater, 4.0
Greg Zuerlein, 6.0
Matt Bryant, 6.0
Adam Vinatieri, -1.0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Adam Vinatieri.
The Colts are so bad, their owner got sober just to make sure he was seeing this right. The Colts are so bad, the mascot wears a bag underneath the horse head. The Colts are sooooo bad, their kicker has less than zero points. For the season. Yes, if you drafted 4-time Super Bowl champion kicker Adam Vinatieri, then you started him Week 1 with confidence and got the fever chills when he put up a goose egg. But you thought, "Well... He got zero points. At least he can't get worse than that." You're wrong. You would literally have been better off if Vinatieri missed the team bus because he got wrapped up watching a YouTube of a rat carrying a slice of pizza down a flight of stairs.
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The "Von Miller Makes His Sack Then Shakes His Sack" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Everson Griffen (DL), 3.5 pts
Fletcher Cox (DL), 3.5 pts
Michael Bennett (DL), 3.5 pts
Robert Quinn (DL), 4.0 pts
Jason Pierre-Paul (DL), 8 1/2 finger pts
Khalil Mack (LB), 1.0 pt
Navorro Bowman (LB), 2.0 pts
Uani Unga (LB), 3.5
Morgan Burnett (DB), 3.0
Antoine Bethea (DB), 4.0
Tyrann Mathieu (DB), 4.0
And the Screwy goes to Khalil Mack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Khalil Mack is not a good fantasy player. Why in the world is JPP in anyone's lineup? He's not even in the Giants' lineup. Now, you know who's a great defender? They should get that firecracker that blew off his fingers. I hear that kid's explosive.
Side note: JPP (co-)won the last IDP Screwy (Week 11 of 2014). I guess he's kind of a co-winner here, too.
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The "Could A Mascot Deserve A 1233% Raise? Hell No!" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Baltimore Ravens, 2.5 pts
Miami Dolphins, 3.5 pts
Detroit Lions, 4.7 pts
Rams, 5.5 pts
Titans, 6.8 pts
And the Screwy goes to the Baltimore Ravens.
Only 2.5? Against Oakland? The Raiders? This game screwed several eliminator pools. No excuse, Ravens. Okay, so you didn't have T-Suggs. I guess that gives you a pas--no excuses when it comes to Screwys!!
The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Ryan Tannehill, 31.6 pts for rickrolling RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
DeAngelo Williams, 29.2 pts for rocking RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Larry Fitzgerald, 37.2 pts for backstabbing Back 2 Black (Charged UP)
Aaron Rodgers, 28.7 pts for back aching Back 2 Black (Charged UP)
Julian Edelman, 33.9 pts for disarming ARMAGEDDON
Cam Newton, 33.3 pts for deciding GameTime Decision
Julio Jones, 26.5 pts for gumping GameTime Decision
Philip Rivers, 21.5 pts for detaining Detox
Denver Broncos, 23.4 pts for detonating Detox
Russell Wilson, 28.0 pts for dumbing Da,Pope
Calvin Johnson, 24.3 pts for duck hunting Da,Pope
Rob Gronkowski, 24.3 pts for dat's dat assing Da,Pope
And the Screwy goes to Larry Fitzgerald.
Where has this muthaLucka been? Larry hasn't hit the 30s since 2011. And what a week to do it when three of his fantasy teammates combine for 2.8 (one of them scoring the entire 2.8). Fitzgerald must've cued up the home videos of the days with Warner and Boldin and got misty eyed. He returned there Sunday. It's kinda good to see him back.
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The "Viola Davis, First Ever Black Lead Actress In A Drama Emmy Winner" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Kansas City Chiefs, 17.7 pts
Sammy Watkins, 18.0 pts
Jameis Winston, 23.6 pts
Arizona Cardinals, 25.4 pts
Eli Manning, 27.9 pts
Joe Flacco, 29.4 pts
Tyrod Taylor, 34.4 pts
Tom Brady, 40.3 pts
Eric Decker, 23.7 pts
Colin Kaepernick, 35.8 pts
Allen Robinson, 33.5 pts
Peyton Manning, 28.8 pts
Torrey Smith, 26.0 pts
Amari Cooper, 23.9 pts
Terrance Williams, 18.4 pts
Anquan Boldin, 18.0 pts
And the Screwy goes to Tom Brady.
Son of a bitch.
It's time to hate-blog the winners and roll up the banners. That's all from the 99th Annual Screwy Awards presented by... Draft Wrassle? Aw, man, they merged.
A quick look at some of the matchups for next week. The Black & The Goaled and Savage Life should be a good battle for 2nd place in the North Division, maybe even 1st if Hitmen falls to Detox. It's the Super Bowl rematch as reigning Da,Pope takes on a gimpy GameTime Decision. And last place Back 2 Black (Charged UP) takes on 8th place ARMAGEDDON with the two teams separated by only a tenth of a point in overall points.
That's all from me this week. Oh, and to that guy on the treadmill next to me at my gym, the one who was on there so long and was so soaked in sweat that he splashed and drenched the two treadmills NEXT TO him... Luck you, man. Luck you.
~That Sick of Daily Fantasy Sports Ads Mofo~