That Bearded Mofo

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What Is The Meaning Of This?

Published Tue Sep 29, 2015 8:40pm PST

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This was a big week. Pope Francis visited Washington, D.C. and influenced Naugahyde-American John Boehner to resign as Speaker of the House. The Muppets returned to network television with a more adult yet still very PG and very funny show. Hmm. This just gave me an idea for a new quiz show.

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Boehner or Muppet?
Coming this fall!

This was also a big week for fantasy points. During his visit to America, the Pope came to bless his cousin Dub with a 200-point beat down on-- You know, who got beat down* is not important. What matters is that Pope's 200 is the second-highest score in league history and only the second time anyone has gotten into the double hundreds. The first and highest scorer was-- You know, who scored 206.6 in 2014* is not important.
*It was me.

What matters is that A.J. Green went for over 200 yards; each week Steve Smith, Sr. is scoring approximately 20 points more than the previous one; and Devonta Freeman had 3 rushing TDs Sunday, which is more than the number of total TDs he had all of last season. And that is what you call a blessing.

But Dub, Pope and the Rams' turf weren't the only ones on fire this week.

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This may be the hottest play you see in the Edward Jones Dome all season.

Hitmen stabbed the 170s for the second time this season. STLiens got up there, too, as did Savage Life with his five Aaron Rodgers touchdowns. Five! Those five shut down The Black & The Goaled who had a hefty 158-point day himself. ARMAGEDDON rounded out the scores of 150 or more in a week where anything less than a buck fifty was meaningless.

You know what's not meaningless? Words. Unless they're words like shugglebee or hominite which I just made up. Those are completely meaningless. But these next ones aren't. Here, once again, are 7 football and fantasy football terms broken down just for you.

Cheat Sheet
Definition: A prepared list of players ranked in order of fantasy value.
In a sentence: Volkswagen tried that cheat sheet and that's got VW owners crying bull sheet.
Report: "Reports: VW warned about illegal emissions tricks year ago"

Definition: A player who enters the season with high expectations but finishes with minimal statistical results.
In a sentence: Trump's claim that he would eliminate taxes for the poor while simultaneously slashing taxes for the wealthy made me bust up laughing.
Report: "Trump unveils tax plan that would lower taxes for millions"

Or: When you're getting blown out 27-0 in the 3rd, it's okay to leave your teammate's side when you hear your wife has been busted by the cops.
Report: "Wife of Dolphins' Brent Grimes arrested before Miami-Buffalo game"

Definition: A foul that occurs when a player (besides the center) is in the neutral zone and contact happens prior to the snap.
In a sentence: With the growing encroachment of street vermin on our fast food products, I've got my camera phone on the lookout for a pigeon rolling a burrito.
Report: "After Pizza Rat, watch Milkshake Squirrel take over the Internet"

My milkshake brings all the squirrels to the yard
and they're like, "Chee ee ee, fft fft."

Comeback Player
Definition: A player who returns from a significant injury and re-emerges into a legitimate fantasy starter.
In a sentence: As Pimp T pimp-limped away, Money Moe hollered out, "Comeback, Player."

Definition: A player's predicted statistics used to help determine fantasy value.
In a sentence: The White guy who shot himself in the ding-a-ling and blamed it on a nonexistent Black man clearly has projections issues.
Report: "White man trying to buy gun shoots self in penis - blames it on a black guy"

Definition: The procedure by which a team makes a player's contract and rights available to all other teams for a 24-hour period, allowing each team to file a claim on the player or waive the right to do so.
In a sentence: The Pope's arms must get tired responding back to all those waivers in the crowd.
Or: Vanilla waivers are my favorite.

Definition: A play where the defensive team sends players rushing towards the line of scrimmage as soon as the ball is snapped to try to sack the quarterback.
In a sentence: If I see some life on Mars, I'll blitz my pants.
Report: "Life on Mars? NASA says planet appears to have flowing water"

Combo: When granny leaned in to kiss the little tyke, the projections from her bust were an encroachment on his space and the wild waivers of his little fists blitzed her lip in two.

With that solid seven in your arsenal, you'll be able to throw down on anyone who challenges your vast football knowledge. Speaking of throwing down, here's my Battle of the Week brought to you this week by the Washington Nationals.

"I said we gotta go for their throat. Theirs!"

The Battle of the Week is STLiens (2-1) vs The Black & The Goaled (1-2). Over the last two weeks, these teams are averaging 156.25 and 158.65, respectively. With Bell and Thomas going up against Cam and Julio, this should be an explosive one.

And if it's not, my backup Battle of the Week is Da,Pope (2-1) vs Savage Life (2-1). Same reason. 162.15 versus 158.6 averages over the last two, plus A.J., Smith, Sr., Rodgers, Fitzgerald, blah, blah, blah.

So, STLiens/Black & Goaled is my Battle of the Week. Unless it's whack, then Pope/Savage. Got that? Good. Now get this: We've got our first bye week coming up. So don't start your Patriots or your Titans unless you're playing against me. I better see Blount and Delanie in that lineup, Black.

Also, don't forget to make your NFL picks if you're into that sort of thing. I've got the Cougars over the Blacksmiths, the Super Blood Moons beating the Camo Suit Cams, and the Kim Davis Hates Gays defeating the Dr. Ben Carson Hates Muslims. Man, these NFL names are getting weirder and weirder.

~That Muppet Mofo~

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