That Bearded Mofo

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Published Tue Oct 6, 2015 9:30pm PST

Well, the bad news is, my team sucks. Your team sucks, too, because it's better than mine. But the good news is...

Oh, God. There's no good news.

There's gotta be something. Uhhh... ESPN is cutting sponsorship ties with Draft Kings because of the "insider trading" hubbub. That means less DFS bombardment, so that's something. Maybe.

It could be worse. I could be the ref that blew the batted touchback fumble call for Monday night's Seahawks-Lions game. Everybody hates him. Or nobody does. Do we really care? What's the rule again? This is stupid.

Let's talk about something else. Hitmen-- Oh, great. We're gonna talk about good teams? Fine. I hate life. Hitmen is now the last undefeated team after Allstate saw his first defeat come at the hands of Detox who claimed his first victory. Back 2 Black also got one for the win column this week, leaving RACKS as the lone winless team.

Four weeks in the books. This is when things start to become clear. And it's starting to look real ugly for some of us. But as long as you stay focused and don't give up, you can make the right moves to get your team turned arou-- Jesus Christ! Both my QBs lead the league in interceptions. I... I gotta go cry. Later. I'll cry later. But it will be ugly and I will soak all my pillows.

There's still plenty of article this week, but just a heads up about next week. It will most likely be another Screwy Awards ceremony so make sure your players are ready to muff it up for you. But more importantly, next week will be That Bearded Mofo's/The Joker Beast's 100th fantasy football-related article. So, I'm guessing I should probably do something special for it. Not "record a rap song" special, but...something. I don't know. I guess I'll be as surprised as you.

What should come as no surprise if you follow patterns closely enough is that this week's TBM main event is a good ol' fashioned association game. How do you play? Well it's as simple as six degrees of Kevin Bacon. We just find an absurd topic or rumor and assess its probability through intangible connection. Wa-huh?

For instance, former New York Jet and current CBS NFL analyst Bart Scott recently went on the radio and ranted about Tom Brady being a cornball. Tom Brady a cornball? Can it be?

image shaved off

Tom Brady > Deflategate > Quagmire > Hornball > Cornball

Well, Tom. You're corny, son. The trail don't lie. Only took 4 connections to get to the heart of Tom's dorkiness. And remember, the fewer the connections, the stronger the case. Before we get cracking, apologies to anyone disturbed by the dog humping picture above. I am at heart a man of sophistication and I assure you that we will not revel in such sophomoric humor going forward.

Association 1
Niners head coach Jim Tomsula farted during a press conference last week. That, according to reports. Did he or didn't he? What does it sound like to you? Why trust your ears when you can trust the links?

Tomsula > Don Schula > Dolphins > Dolph Lundgren > Ivan Drago > Rocky IV > Fantastic Four > Stinker > Skunk > Black and white > Oreo > Uncle Tom > Tom Hanks > T. Hanks > Thanks > Gracias > "Grassy ass" > Gassy ass

A healthy 17 connections say something about this smells. I can't stay silent about this deadly event... I was the pooter who tootered. The passer who gassered. The farter who partered. Tomsula was just covering for me, which is ironic, because I was just covering for the stench his team is putting out.

Association 2
After a 22-year hiatus, DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince are getting the band back together for a full world tour. I imagine the new playlist to include "Children Just Don't Understand", "Bills Ain't Nothing but Trouble (Just Kidding. I'm Hella Rich)", and "Boom! Don't Shake the Room (I'm Napping)". Can alien, robot, and vampire ass-kicking megastar Will Smith really be going back to his West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground is where he spent most of his days, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school music roots?

Will Smith > Independence Day > Fourth of July > Christmas in July > "Christmas just ain't Christmas without the one you looove..." > "Love that chicken from Popeye's!" > Chicken > "Chicken parm, you taste so good." > Nationwide > Worldwide > World tour

With only 10 connections, it looks like we'll all be "gettin' jiggy with it" again pretty soon.

What? Was that not one of their collabs? Whatever. "We'll all be having a 'nightmare on my street' again pretty soon" doesn't sound so positive.

Association 3
According to a San Jose Mercury News reporter, September saw the first month in 6 years that no NFL players were arrested. Really? That sounds like one of those believable-but-not-worth-the-hassle-of-verifying statements. But we don't have to verify by slogging through facts and documents. We verify through similarities up in here!

NFL > FML > Bad day > Bad dog > Cujo > "That's your assss, Mr. Postman." > Friday > "Bye, Felicia!" > How did they get that from that? > Penicillin > "You Be Illin'" > Early hip hop > B-boy > The Beagle Boys > Always in jail

Just 14 connections prove that NFL stands for Never-ending Felons League.

Association 4
Surgeons overseas are preparing to perform the first human head transplant and what the f**k did I just write?

image shaved off

Welcome to your future, bitches.

A Russian man with a degenerative muscle disease has volunteered for the operation, which has, so far, only been "successfully" done on mice. I say successfully in quotes because none of the mice have lived longer than a day.

This is either press released suicide or murder with benefits. I haven't decided which yet. Maybe it's both. But there is absolutely no way this can work, right? I mean, I know we can only advance in science if we push the envelope, but this is nuts. Right?

Decapitation > Precipitation > Downfall > Fall down > Dead

Okay. Only 4 connections, but it resulted in death. Quick death. So maybe we try again.

Lose your head > Lose your mind > Mind over matter > What's the matter? > Mad Hatter > Mad Max > M&M > Eminem > "Lose Yourself" > Lose your wallet > "My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!" > Seinfeld > Michael Richards > Dead to me

Ehh, 13 connections, but, again, not an outcome in the win column unless you hate science and hope. Let's give it one last go. But, out of respect for the scientific method, if this leads us to croak-town again, we're gonna have to accept that this surgery won't work.

Head swap > Wife Swap > Swingers > Fingers > Ladyfingers > Cookies > Cookie > Empire > Boardwalk Empire > Boardwalk > Monopoly > Pass Go > Pass stones > Yeesh! > Quiche > Egg pie > Egg McMuffin > McDonald's breakfast > All Day > Adrian Peterson > Whippin' > "Now watch me whip whip. Watch me nae nae." > Fad dance > Passé > Posse > Entourage > Turtle > Ninja > Sneak attack > Bill Cosby > Uptown Saturday Night > Saturday Night Fever > "Stayin' Alive"

Hey, look at that! We got a live one. Unfortunately, a lengthy 32 connections strongly suggests this experiment is not going to work. But if they're looking for donors, Buffalo's Mario Williams can provide them with plenty of bodies that no longer have use for their heads.

image shaved off

"Personal foul: murder. Five yard penalty. Recite last rites."

We've got time for one more and it's about this week's game.

Association 5
It's a division hitter between .500 ARMAGEDDON and not-so-.500 GameTime Decision. Which one of last week's two lowest scoring teams is going down in flames again this weekend?

Burned Down > Pyro > X-Men > Apocalypse > ARMAGEDDON

Only 4 connections. Better bring your fire extinguisher, Mac.

"No worries. A little cardboard should put this right ou--ohh God!!!"

~That Burning For A Win Mofo~

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