That Bearded Mofo

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It Ain't Over 'Til The Fat Man Sings

Published Tue Dec 1, 2015 9:00pm PST

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Did you catch the ending to that Ravens-Browns game? You did? Why? Who made you watch? I want their names. Show me on the TV where they hurt you. We'll make sure the monsters that subjected you to this sadistically awful Monday Night Football lineup will never hurt anyone ever again.

I hope your Thanksgiving was better than Tony Romo's. He could've challenged Peyton's minus-6.3 game from a few weeks ago if he hadn't injured his collarbone (again) and left the game early. Instead, Romo would have to settle for minus-0.7 and Cowboys fans will have to settle for more Jerry Jones lemonade-making.

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"I truly believe Chris Christie will be the best quarterback
this organization has ever seen."--Jerry Jones

It's Week 13. The end of the fantasy season. Time to wrap it all up. Which means it's time to rap it all up. That Bearded Mofo has brought you another season-ending rap to memorialize the 2015 that did or didn't pan out the way you had hoped. As always, lyrics (and links!) are below in case you want to follow along with the bouncing ball. P.S.: There is no bouncing ball. If you see a bouncing ball, you should consult a doctor immediately.

This year's rap is to the instrumental of Eminem's 8 Mile Road. Timely, right? Okay, look, I know I could've done something more current like Hotline Bling, but then you would've wanted a video because spoofing Drake is the most interesting thing about that song and I'm just not trying to put in that kinda work. I'm trying to put in this kind of work: Enjoy.


Don't play me.
You better play me!

8 Loss Road

Sometimes I just feel like, quitting I still might
Why do I put up this fight? Why'd I start Roddy White?
Sometimes it's hard enough just dealing with real life
But fantasy football is bringing the real strife
We're coming to the end of 2015, right?
Man does time fly, remember the stuff like
House Speaker flight, filibuster life
Pressure from the right, Boehner just made like "Duhhh...
Pa-pa-pontiff, The Pope's visit
He makes some sense, I guess I'll quit"
And then Big Ben takes it in the shin
And he goes down, Antonio Brown's
Numbers dip 'cause he gets Mike Vick
Who plays like ughff, fantasy is rough
Man eff this stuff yo, I need me a cheat code
Like Volkswagen cars so I can get off this 8 Loss Road

Fantasy, in two thousand fifteen
On our way to the end now, don't mean to be mean
But like watching The Cosby Show on your TV screen
Never will be the same after all these stories and games

And it's gone, season wasn't that long
Like we just turned it on , already making this song
All the waivers and trade-offs, you reap what you sowed
Ain't no sign for the playoffs when you're driving down 8 Loss Road

The temperature's off whack, 'cause El Nino came back
And animal videos were the Internet's biggest trap
Rabbit fought a snake, squirrel drank a shake
And the pizza rat. Gotta move ASAP
If you wanna go buy a Patti LaBelle pie
That little viral video shot it to the sky
'Cause he's singing and cussing and flapping like he's go'n fly
And it's so damn hysterical that it's making me cry
Like the DUI woman who wasn't too shy
Dancing around for the cops after she ran over their spikes
Wish I could have the record that Ronda Rousey goes by
Finally lost but in fantasy twelve and one is a prize!
Sometimes we get upset, at NFL's bad refs
This season's calls were almost shady as DFS
Daily fantasy's rep taking a big step
Now the government sees 'em and wants to put 'em in check
It ain't right, man I dread Monday night
Why my team look like shite? Not a weekend goes by
That I don't pray to the sky, "Please I'm begging you, God
Please don't let me be pigeon holed with no regular squad
Yo, I hope you can hear me homey wherever you are
Yo, I'm telling you dawg, I'm bailing on Gio Bernard
Give me Olsen or Barnidge 'cause Coby Fleener's no star
I'd really love me some Palmer but I would take Derek Carr!"
Don't know why karma hates me, it's being a bitch yo
I promise you that, as sure as Mars has water flow
I've paid everything owed, unlike Geno
Breaking his jaw bone, but still I'm on 8 Loss Road

Fantasy, in two thousand fifteen
On our way to the end now, don't mean to be mean
But like getting a head swap will murder you clean
Never will be the same after all these stories and games

And it's gone, season wasn't that long
Like we just turned it on , already making this song
All the waivers and trade-offs, you reap what you sowed
Ain't no sign for the playoffs when you're driving down 8 Loss Road

It was a clock not a bomb but they put the cuffs on his arm
Just a teenage civilian, now he wants fifteen million
That's the ballsy kind of move that used to make my team brilliant
I'm not a flop. Let me clear it, begin atop: Be certain I got
more positivity than Charlie's HIV
Blowing up like the fingers on the hand of JPP
You never seen, heard, smelled or met a fantasy
player who could be on the same pedestal as me
But I still lost games, kinda my biggest shame
Make a big deal of it like the Starbucks Christmas thang
Take advice from a guy looks like Kevin James
But after the war flames, was there a cup change? No
Thursday night show, Nike must know
That uni glow, it looks like "ohhh"
But hey it's just another drop in the bucket
Of all the money fans chuck in, so my opinion can suck it
Can't mess with money, it gets you fired at Mizzou
Students protested that they were not getting listened to
The football team saw, and they must've thought it's rude
So they all went on strike and that's what solved the issue
Did you peep, #nfldontpayme#
Was the hashtag mama Lynch used on Seattle's OC?
Our defenses should stay up, 'cause one thing we can't want
To get hit with a ray gun from the alien station
I got patience, it's light years away
Although that floating city popped up in a day
Like it was a trick play, like the Colts had some say
Fourth and three against the Patriots? You gotta be cray!
Or if you're crazy like a fox Rumblr can help you box
It's Tinder for people that wanna get off some different rocks
Doctor Carson continues with his shocks
How can a man so brilliant be dumb as an ox?
Hey Drew Brees, you threw seven TDs
Philip Rivers has a child whenever he sneezes
Gotta get me a pair of those self-tying sneaks
I wish Back to the Future Day had lasted for weeks
We'd get in the Delorian and go back to Paris
And prevent any war again and the terror dummies
Injuries, like it happens in threes
Like the Dolphins streak of straight weeks allowing safeties
2015 is over, no more fantasies
With my team full of no ones, with no victories
Getting served all day like breakfast at Mickey D's
If you please, Egg McMuffin with cheese on this 8 Loss Road

Fantasy, in two thousand fifteen
On our way to the end now, don't mean to be mean
But like finding six hundred mil of Escobar's green
Never will be the same after all these stories and games

And it's gone, season wasn't that long
Like we just turned it on , already making this song
All the waivers and trade-offs, you reap what you sowed
Ain't no sign for the playoffs when you're driving down 8 Loss Road

Thanks for listening. And if you'd like to check out more of That Bearded Mofo's musical retrospectives such as 2014's special anniversary video or this year's article milestone commemoration, just click the links and you'll be transported to a land full of my dulcet tones. Emphasis on dull. Here are the 2011, 2012, and 2013 rap up articles.

Now for the moment some of you have been waiting for, the purpose this whole season has been leading up to: who's in, who's out, and who's desperate.

Hitmen: you're in.
EXPLOSIVE: you're in.
Da,Pope: you're in.
STLiens: you're in.
Detox: you're out.

That is surprisingly it. That means 7 teams are still vying for 4 spots. That's an unusually large percentage of undecided teams that won't get in. It's like we're the NFL. There are five 6-6 teams and, with the Week 13 matchups lining up the way they do, we have the possibility of up to three 6-7 teams in the playoffs. We really are like the NFL.

Congratulations to Detox on getting next year's #1 draft pick. No one can take that from you now. Let's see where everyone else stands.

With the 2nd most points in the league at 1,684.5, The Black & the Goaled is pretty much playoff bound. A win secures his 5th place seed but could move him as high as 3rd if Da,Pope and STLiens lose. Only a loss and GameTime, Comeback Kid, and Allstate wins and RACKS outscoring him by 31.9 this weekend will keep Goaled out of the playoffs. That could all happen. I could also get a date with Kerry Washington, but I wouldn't bet on either.

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Aha! Got a Kerry Washington reference in this season. The streak is alive!

RAC ON RAC ON RACKS is in the one and only destiny game of the week with Allstate Mayhem. As with all the other 6-6 teams, win and RACKS is in. Even with a loss, RACKS would still make the playoffs if The Comeback Kid loses or GameTime Decision loses and does not outscore him by 55.6 or The Black & the Goaled loses and scores 31.9 less than him. Or is so much better than and in this game.

Winning is the best option for GameTime Decision. In the middle of the 6-6 pack, there are too many secure folks above and not enough expendable ones below to be safe. In order to make the playoffs with a loss, GameTime would need The Comeback Kid to lose or Allstate Mayhem to lose or RAC ON RAC ON RACKS to lose and score 55.6 less than GameTime this weekend. Those options are too unreliable. I need to win.

Once the leader of the Horizontal Conference, The Comeback Kid may not even be the leader of his division come season's end. Back 2 Black (Charged UP) trails him by one game but leads him by 5.9 points. Comeback currently holds a very unstable 8th seed with less than a 1-point lead over Allstate Mayhem. A winner brings postseason dinner. But if he loses, the Kid will need Mayhem to lose and not outscore Kid by more than 0.8 and for both Back 2 Black and Savage Life to lose. If Black or Savage were to win, Comeback could still make the playoffs if he outscores Black by 6 and does not get outscored 37.7 by Savage. But that's moot if Allstate wins.

Allstate Mayhem currently stands on the outside looking in. As low man in this week's only Game of Destiny, Mayhem is in the odd spot where a win could slot him as high as 3rd place while a loss all but guarantees he misses the playoffs altogether. Allstate's playoff needs are identical to The Comeback Kid's. If Allstate loses, he would need Comeback to lose and to outscore Comeback by a measly 1 point and for both Back 2 Black and Savage Life to lose to stay out of his way. As with Comeback, Mayhem could stay above Black and Savage if they win as long as he outscores Black by 6.9 and doesn't get outscored 38.6 by Savage. Again, that doesn't matter if The Comeback Kid wins.

You may think a 5-7 team has no business having a shot at the playoffs, but Back 2 Black (Charged UP) says you better go'n somewhere with that mess. Black won 3 of his last 4 to put himself in the position of having a chance. Winning Week 13 is a necessity. Unfortunately, winning won't be enough. The points gap between Black and the top three 6-6 teams is too large to overcome, but Black is currently ahead of the other two 6-6 teams. If Back 2 Black wins and The Comeback Kid loses and doesn't outscore Black by 6 and Allstate Mayhem loses and doesn't outscore Black by 6.9, Black will slide into the playoffs like that church deacon sliding into your sister's DMs. That ain't Gawdly, Deacon!

There is another, albeit unlikely, scenario that could keep Black out of the playoffs despite all those criteria playing out. Savage Life finds himself in the same "must win plus" situation as Black. However, Savage has more points ground to cover. He must win and Comeback must lose and score 37.7 less than Savage and Allstate must lose and score 38.6 less than Savage for Savage to see the postseason. But, if Back 2 Black wins, Savage Life will also need to outscore Black by 43.6 to secure the 8th seed. That's a lot of ifs that have to be covered, but that's the cost of an 11th seed making it into the playoffs.

It's not just the 7 would-be teams that have an interest in this week's outcomes. For the first time in four years, neither conference has a decided champion coming into Week 13. That means keep that wallet in your pocket, 'cause ain't nobody got money to be spending yet.

Not only is RACKS in competition for a playoff spot, he's in contention for the Horizontal Conference prize. Da,Pope currently holds the conference lead with a 1-game advantage over the rest of his division and The Comeback Kid. But with a mere 1.5-point gap between Da,Pope and RAC ON RAC ON RACKS, a Pope loss combined with a RACKS win could see the conference crown changing hands.

The Vertical Conference prize isn't as sure a lock as it seemed a few weeks ago. Hitmen still holds the #1 spot, but dropping 3 of his last 4 games has made him vulnerable to EXPLOSIVE. EXPLOSIVE's 5-game win streak has him equal in record to Hitmen, but he still trails him by a massive 133.5 points. A win and a Hitmen loss would give EXP the money. With a win over Hitmen and an EXPLOSIVE loss, STLiens would tie his conference leaders. But, trailing by nearly 230 points, winning the conference is not in the cards for STLiens.

Before I get onto this week's games--Stay with me. It's almost over--a quick recap of our pick 'ems. RACKS and Hitmen are neck and neck with Da,Pope nipping on their heels. The rest of us don't stand a chance unless they start making some serious mistakes or we start taking some serious chances, like picking Chicago over Green Bay. I mean, c'mon!

In the Gateway games, we have four division matchups this week which means four rematches. Allstate barely bested RACKS in their first meet up 10 weeks ago. Now this one is for all the marbles because...? It's the...? You know this. You read it before. It's the Game of Destiny. It's the only destiny game of the week. C'mon, you knew that.

Also back in Week 3, The Black & The Goaled and Savage Life first went toe to toe. Goaled put up fantasy gold, but Savage went savage on him anyway. Savage Life will need the sweep to survive.

In Week 5, Back 2 Black notched his second win of the season against Detox. Black will need another second win this week.

Also in Week 5, EXPLOSIVE and GameTime Decision met in a struggler that went all the way down to the end of Monday night where GameTime eked out a 2-point win. Both teams need the win this week, EXPLOSIVE for the conference cash, GameTime for a seat at the postseason table.

In the non-division, non-rematch, not very important, but, hey, everybody's gotta play 13 games matchups we have a Horizontal Conference bout between Da,Pope and The Comeback Kid. As with the previous game mentioned, both teams need the win to guarantee money and playoff berth, respectively.

Finally, Hitmen squares off against STLiens. ... Yep.

And that's the end of another thirteen weeks of That Bearded Mofo's Gateway Fantasy Football and Entertainment reports. December 2015 already. Where does the time go? Well... This is where I leave you. We'll meet again. Don't know where. Don't know when.

Actually, it'll probably be next week when I continue with these in the postseason. Yeah, that's it, so... See you next week?

~That Fat Rapper Mofo~

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