BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2015: ROUND ONE
Published Tue Dec 8, 2015 9:45pm PST
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Another year in this heck hole.
Yeah, I said "heck hole". I gets real like that.
It's been a terrible year. Season-ending injuries every week. Misinformation from head coaches. No more Key & Peele. Thanks a lot, Obama.
We lost four in the trenches this week, but so many more lives were on the line. Detox got his death certificate weeks ago. Savage Life stepped on a mine. He gone.
I saw RAC ON RAC ON RACKS get shot at. He ducked it. And it came right at me. I was dead. I was sure of it. But it whizzed right past my cheek. "Whew," I thought. "We dodged that one." Then I turned. Oh no. It got The Comeback Kid.
Tragically, he wouldn't be the last. Back 2 Black (Charged UP) had been suffering from a terminal illness all year. It seemed he was going into remission, but, well... He put up a good fight, but in the end, there was nothing more he could do. RACKS came up 80 cents short of saving his life.
But you're at peace now, brothers. No more stress. Just the best... Picks of the draft, that is.
You're off to paradise. That land of milk and honey. That land of strippers and money. I think one of them was named Candy.
Speaking of Candy Land...
ROUND 1: ROLL THE DICE
Monopoly (EXPLOSIVE 9-4) vs. Sorry! (GameTime Decision 6-7)
The Tycoon of Wins versus The Poor Sad Sack
And they meet again...again. Not only is this a rematch from just a week ago, but also a year ago. EXPLOSIVE and GameTime squared off in Round 1 last year, but this time, the situation is reversed. In 2014, EXPLOSIVE was a lowly 8th seed that couldn't win ten bucks in a beauty contest. Now, after six straight wins, he's the top hat on the boardwalk and able to B&O Railroad any team out of town. Meanwhile, GameTime Decision went from sliding on through to the championship game last year to moving back 4 spaces week after week this season. Antonio Brown and his 22.73 per game have kept GTD from getting stuck at start. But it may not be enough against EXPLOSIVE's Odell Beckham, Jr. who is averaging 26.96 over his last five games. Will EXPLOSIVE have free parking throughout the playoffs? Or will GameTime Decision make that sharp right into the pathway home?
Season Points Avg: EXPLOSIVE - 135.28 vs 133.32 - GameTime Decision
Game On: GameTime's Eric Decker splits EXPLOSIVE like a 7, but EXP's Carson Palmer lights up the Vikings like an electric company and makes GTD turn on the water works. GameTime tries to 11-swap places through the use of Jonathan Stewart but the Chiefs D/ST doesn't give him the chance...card. EXPLOSIVE wins.
Battleship (Hitmen 8-5) vs. Risk (RAC ON RAC ON RACKS 6-7)
The Stalwart versus The On Shaky Ground
Hitmen has been more miss than hit lately, ending the season on three straight losses. But don't let the record fool you: two of Hitmen's five L's came when he scored over 150. Competing QBs Wilson and Carr are destroyers, but DeAndre Hopkins is the C4 that's really blowing up this squad. Meanwhile, RACKS is Napoleonic not only in his desire to take over the world but in his fantasy stature as well. His record may be under .500, but his points are 3rd most in the league. Unfortunately for RACKS, his army has been a little untrustworthy lately. When Robinson goes off, Landry falls flat. When Landry steps up, Ingram takes a drop. These two teams faced off just two weeks ago when RACKS attacked with his season high 175 points knocking down Hitmen's mere 6th best score of 154. Can Hitmen drop a peg into RACKS and exact revenge? Or will RAC ON RAC ON RACKS take over Hitmen's territory?
Season Points Avg: Hitmen - 142.51 vs 137.83 - RAC ON RAC ON RACKS
Game On: Hitmen torpedoes RACKS with Calvin Johnson, but RACKS counters with his infantry of starting running backs. With no Gronkowski on Hitmen's board, RACKS can sink his battleship. RAC ON RAC ON RACKS wins.
Chutes and Ladders (Da,Pope 8-5) vs. Scrabble (Allstate Mayhem 7-6)
The Up and Down versus The Clawing and Scratching Fighter
Current champ Pope climbed to the heights of a 7-2 record to start the season, starred with a 200-point game in Week 3. But the last four weeks have seen his points average slide allll the way down to 107.5. Without Romo, Dez is no mo'. And it seems QB Brady is the only one playing to win. On the versus side, Allstate Mayhem's tile rack is completely unrecognizable from season start. He has pulled 13 players from the waiver bag over the last five weeks, swapping some of those in just a couple plays later. It (probably?) worked as Allstate has stayed even over that stretch, going 3-2 to end the season. But those were hard-fought barely-wins, one by less than a point and one by scoring less than 110. If Eddie Lacy can get in the house on time, maybe Mayhem can get some triple word scoring done in the playoffs. Will Allstate Mayhem spell out victory? Or will Da,Pope climb the rungs to 100?
Season Points Avg: Da,Pope - 136.36 vs 126.87 - Allstate Mayhem
Game On: Pope shoves Allstate down the slide with the quickness of A.J. Green. But Allstate flings the 10-point J of Javorius Allen and the 8-point X of Ha Ha Clinton-Dix at Pope's head, then blank tiles him for the win with DeVante Parker. Allstate Mayhem wins.
Clue (STLiens 8-5) vs. Uno (The Black & The Goaled 7-6)
The How Did He Get Here? versus The Main Man Numero In Points
STLiens has never been a lead pipe lock, but has had some Professor Plum matchups going into the home stretch. The spectacular play of Panthers Newton and Olsen have helped STLiens cut the Colonel Mustard and I'm sure he regrets axing their running back teammate Stewart in Week 5. How does a team with the 9th most points in the league get the 4th seed? With the fortune of having the least points scored against him, that's how. That fortune goes missing this week as STLiens faces the league leader in points in The Black & The Goaled. With seven scores of 150 or higher, Goaled has been making teams see red, green, blue, and yellow all season long. Jacksonville's Blake Bortles, who some ragged on after the fantasy draft *ahem*, has been a top-6 fantasy QB this season. Black & Goaled did draw two regrets in dropping Crabtree and DeAngelo earlier in the season. But he has been able to pull the reverse card on the damage done by losing Le'Veon Bell for the year, as evidenced by his 147-point average over the last four weeks. Will STLiens put an end to Goaled in the kitchen with a wrench? Or will The Black & The Goaled skip STLiens' championship plans?
Season Points Avg: STLiens - 126.43 vs 142.82 - The Black & The Goaled
Game On: STLiens lassos Black & Goaled into the study with his Travis Benjamin rope then brains him with his Julio Jones candlestick. Black & Goaled recovers and slaps STLiens with a draw four: Marshall, Thomas, Bryant, and Hilton. One last hit from Jordan Reed and Goaled cries "Uno!". The Black & The Goaled wins.
Good luck to most of you this week. My advice is to not overthink things. Or else, Monday night, you'll be repeatedly tapping refresh like...
Ages Beard and Up
~That Pop-o-matic Bubble Mofo~