BEFORE AND AFTERMATH 2015: ROUND TWO
Published Tue Dec 15, 2015 6:00pm PST
Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
It's so haaarararaaard to say goodbyyyye to fantasyyyyy-eeee ee ee ee eeee!
Four more brothers were slain. Today we honor them by reading their names.
GameTime Decision. Shot down over Miami Monday at 2300 hours local time. My assailant, Odell Beckham, Jr. is still at large. That first touchdown was NOT a touchdown!
RAC ON RAC ON RACKS. Gunned down mob style by Andy Dalton, Shaun Draughn, Emmanuel Sanders, Allen Robinson, and Tyler Eifert. There's no worse betrayal than betrayal.
STLiens. Suffered internal injuries from his players not giving a f**k.
Da,Pope. Shivved, shanked, and gutted in Wisconsin. Witnesses saw a man matching Dez Bryant's description fleeing the scene.
And so we bid us adieu. Goodbye, playoffs. Hello, mid-round picks. This is, uh...
This is some bull.
TALE OF THE TAPE
EXPLOSIVE (10-4) vs Allstate Mayhem (8-6)
They met in the second week of the season, now they meet in the second week of the playoffs. A full 13 weeks ago, Allstate got the edge on the team formerly named ARMAGEDDON despite Eddie Lacy putting up a stingy 0.9 points. Romo and Ivory didn't help Allstate much, either, which is why they're no longer with the team. EXPLOSIVE could have won that game if he had rolled with the Chiefs defense like he's done every week since (except for their Week 9 bye). Speaking of rolling, EXPLOSIVE has won the last half of his games. I'm afraid he's forgotten what it's like to lose. With Alshon Jeffery back healthy and Sammy Watkins back from nowhere, EXP now has the formidable receiving corps he likes to wag in people's faces. But as big as he is in the air, he's got nothing on the ground. He's all hands, no feet. His best back Latavius Murray is averaging 9.7 over the last three weeks, 11.39 on the season. Mayhem isn't completely without his own RB issues. The aforementioned Lacy has games of 0.9, 4, 3, -1, and 0.9 again this season. That notwithstanding, Lacy looks to be back in late-2014 form, averaging 20.6 over the last three weeks in games not hampered by missing curfew. Also, Arizona's David Johnson has been a great addition as he has over 90 rushing yards in every game since taking over the starting job. Allstate Mayhem is the only team left in the playoffs that has not won a Superbowl, much less even been to the championship game. This is the second straight year that he has had to face the #1 seed in the 2nd round. If Allstate wants things to work out this year, he'll need more than the 120.2 he beat EXPLOSIVE with back in Week 2. EXPLOSIVE has outscored Mayhem nine times this season including every week since Week 9.
Advantages
Win Pct: EXPLOSIVE (.714)
Win Streak: EXPLOSIVE (7)
Points Avg: EXPLOSIVE (136.6)
Biggest Win: Allstate Mayhem (185, Wk 8)
Lowest Loss: Allstate Mayhem (EXPLOSIVE's 78, Wk 4)
Heavy Hitter: EXPLOSIVE (Odell Beckham, Jr.)
Albatross: Allstate Mayhem (EXPLOSIVE's Jacob Tamme)
Advantage 4-3, EXPLOSIVE
Hitmen (9-5) vs The Black & The Goaled (8-6)
Oh yeah! It's a division affair! They battled at the beginning, the middle, and now the end of the 2015 season. Hitmen took the first one by a bunch and the second one by a little. Calvin Johnson has been just okay this season. Not-so-Megatron only has three games of 20 or more points, including his unbelievable 3-TD Thanksgiving. The real star receiver of Hitmen, DeAndre Hopkins is slipping of late due to either the Texans' improved defensive play or regressed quarterback play. Hopkins is averaging 12.2 over the last three weeks after averaging 22.75 through Week 11. It doesn't take a math major to know that's a big drop. It also doesn't take a math major to see that The Black & The Goaled knows how to run up a score. B&G's 2nd (173.2) and 3rd (169.1) biggest scores of the season have come over the last two weeks thanks in no small part to Blake "I'm 23 but I look 32" Bortles. The QB is averaging 37.33 over the last three weeks and ranks 5th among quarterbacks for the season. Goaled also has an abundance at the receiver position. Every week he plays musical chairs with Demaryius Thomas, Brandon Marshall, T Y Hilton, and Martavis Bryant. Of course he benches the wrong one; it wouldn't be fantasy football if he didn't. Those missed points haven't stopped Black & Goaled who has won three straight and become the first this season to reach 2,000 points. Hitmen will become the next, currently only 1.4 points shy. This is the third straight year that Hitmen has made it to Round 2 of the playoffs, losing last year to the eventual champ. To win, Hitmen needs to recover that early season spark he had back when he was busting 170-point games every other week. It seems that spark got passed to division foe The Black & The Goaled as though it was pop locked on through some sort of fantasy break dance chain.
Advantages
Win Pct: Hitmen (.643)
Win Streak: The Black & The Goaled (3)
Points Avg: The Black & The Goaled (144.7)
Biggest Win: The Black & The Goaled (180.6, Wk 7)
Lowest Loss: Hitmen (The Black & The Goaled's 98.2, Wk 9)
Heavy Hitter: Hitmen (Russell Wilson)
Albatross: Hitmen (The Black & The Goaled's Jeremy Hill)
Advantage 4-3, Hitmen
Good luck to those still in it. Win or lose, you get two more weeks of this.
Next Week: 'Tis the season to be shutting it down.
~That Not A Touchdown Mofo~