That Bearded Mofo

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Published Wed Dec 23, 2015 1:10pm PST

image shaved off

Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Jingle bells. Calvin smells. Vernon laid an egg. Steve Harvey can't quite read and the Internet made him pay. Hey!

Not-so-merry Christmas to most of us, laid out in the cold in green and red body bags. Here come two more to join us. Hitmen never even got his gun out of his holster. Six of us dead guys could've taken him this week. His Lamar Miller grenade blew up in his pocket.

EXPLOSIVE conked out on the road. Must've blown a fuse like ODB going crazy on Josh Norman. I guess the threat of losing everything will do that to you. And get you suspended. This analogy is falling apart.

Oh, looky there. Hitmen and EXPLOSIVE ain't dead yet. Emphasis on yet. They're both fading and need a boost, but there's only one EpiPen. Who will get to it first?

I'm starting to think Santa isn't real. Every year, I climb into his lap, nuzzle up to his bearded face, and whisper what I want for Christmas. And every year he tells me he's gonna call the cops if I come back to this Home Depot again. And sure enough, I never get what I want. Just like fantasy football. It's all a fraud.

That Ho Ho Hofo


(But Really Still Four)

In the undercard, it's the battle of the 1st place curse as regular season champion EXPLOSIVE (10-5) faces Hitmen (9-6), the team from which he wrested the number 1 spot. This is Hitmen's chance for payback and the money prize that was his up until the last week of the season. And this is EXPLOSIVE's chance for payback on the Week 4 beatdown Hitmen delivered him. Bah, who are we kidding. It's about the money. That tiny, tiny 3rd place dinero, yo.

The Superbowl
The Black & The Goaled (9-6) vs Allstate Mayhem (9-6)

It's deja vu all over again. For the third year in a row, we have a first-time Superbowl contender taking on a previous Superbowl champion. It's 1-1 in the last two championship games, so this one is the tie breaker between the Been There, Done Thats versus the Lemme Get Ones.

This is the third championship game for The Black & The Goaled, having won the inaugural season contest way way way way way back in 2005 and having lost the fifth season contest way way way back in 2009. Getting back was a long wait. But not as long a wait as it was for Allstate Mayhem who, for the first time, gets a locker room for the big game. Either way, somebody is ending this weekend feeling more satisfied than after taking a Thanksgiving night dump. And somebody is going to be left more unrelieved than a constipated man in a cheese-eating contest. Is that gross? That's a little gross. I'll move on.

The first matchup between Goaled and Mayhem this season was just four short weeks ago. It was not pretty as Mayhem failed to reach triple-digits and was trounced 152.2 to 97.1. The late-season Week 12 face off was an important one that could have cost either team a seat in the playoffs. However, fortune shined all the way through the post season bringing these 5th and 6th seed teams to the promised land.

Despite what the just-above .500 record suggested, The Black & The Goaled had a spectacular year averaging a league high 142.8 during the regular season. The team is averaging an astounding 170.05 through the playoffs. That's thanks in large part to #27 Jordan Reed. Actually, the tight end's jersey number is 86, but 27 are the number of points he's gotten in each of the last two weeks. It's rare that a fantasy team can keep up scores hovering around 170 for this many weeks straight, but Black & Goaled is begging his players for just one more and promises he won't ask them for anything else until September.

Is it encouraging or scary that Allstate Mayhem came into the draft with NO picks in the first three rounds and ends up with a Superbowl appearance? It's a testament to hitting the waiver wire and the trade table. This week, he faces Blake Bortles, the QB I mocked him for drafting. Oops on my part. Despite parting ways before Week 2 began, both Allstate and Bortles have gone on to fantasy success. Allstate started the season strong at 3-0, then dropped below .500 and hovered there for the rest of the season. His scores haven't been the strongest, but he's chosen the right time to show out, scoring 172.4--his second-highest of 2015--just this past week.

"Enough talk" you say? "Who's gonna win" you say? "Why are you so smart and handsome, Bearded Mofo" you say? Well, it's because I stay informed through in-depth analysis. And I moisturize. You gotta moisturize. But for this, we'll just stick with the full roster analysis.

QB (opp vs pass)
Blake Bortles
@ NO (30th)
Avg: 27.69 Rk: 5 Pos: 5
Going against N'awlins? Chaaaa-ching!

Ryan Tannehill vs IND (29th)
Avg: 21.66 Rk: 20 Pos: 17
Going against Indy? Chaaaa-ill out. It's still Tannehill.

Drew Brees
vs JAC (25th)
Avg: 25.66 Rk: 8 Pos: 8
The ninth time is the charm. As in, Allstate has had nine different QBs on his roster this season. None have been as prolific as Brees. Except Bortles. But Bortles never had a 63-point fantasy game. They face each other this week, so maybe they'll both hit 60 this Sunday.

Brock Osweiler vs CIN (18th)
Avg: 20.57 Rk: 146 Pos: 34
Peyton may be back. Plus, the Broncos are going to be hesitant to take the field from now on.

RB (opp vs run)
Doug Martin
vs CHI (26th)
Avg: 13.82 Rk: 55 Pos: 3
I'm Doug Martin, yes I'm the real Martin. All you other Doug Martins are just butt fartin'. So won't the real Doug Martin please stand up? Please stand up. Please stand up.
Doug. Please. Stand up.

Jeremy Hill @ DEN (1st)
Avg: 9.8 Rk: 128 Pos: 21
What in the Hill happened? Jeremy won't be anywhere near a starting fantasy lineup this week going against the top defense in the league. But that could pretty much be said for any week and any team this season.

Charles Sims vs CHI (26th)
Avg: 8.71 Rk: 155 Pos: 25
Sims has had more carries than any other 2nd string RB that's neither on a running back by committee team nor on a team who's 1st stringer missed time due to injury. That's a lot to couch just to get the point across that he's a good backup. Which is moot anyway because this is the Superbowl and ain't nobody got time for backups.

Karlos Williams vs DAL (18th)
Avg: 10.43 Rk: 243 Pos: 44
I just said ain't nobody got time for backups. But McCoy has an owie to his MCL, so it's time for Williams to shine. Except for, you know, that whole Gillislee vulturing the touchdowns and carries and... Forget it. Ain't nobody got time for backups.

Melvin Gordon @ OAK (13th)
Avg: 6.56 Rk: 254 Pos: 47
Is he dead?

Todd Gurley
@ SEA (3rd)
Avg: 15.2 Rk: 66 Pos: 5
What a waste on the Rams. Maybe when they move to Los Angeles, they'll surround him with a better team.

David Johnson vs GB (22nd)
Avg: 11.87 Rk: 84 Pos: 10
Holy crap! The Cardinals are swimming in talent. This guy is averaging almost 12 points a game on the whole season and he just became the starter a few weeks ago. So when the Rams go back to L.A., does that mean St. Louis gets the Cardinals back? *fingers crossed*

Eddie Lacy @ ARI (4th)
Avg: 8.5 Rk: 187 Pos: 32
Lacy has a teammate named Abbrederis. Maybe he's the one who has made Lacy's talent... *cape flourish* ...disappear!

Javorius Allen vs PIT (5th)
Avg: 6.68 Rk: 245 Pos: 45
Buck can't hold onto the ball, so Buck can't hold onto the starting job.

Tim Hightower vs JAC (12th)
Avg: 7.7 Rk: 749 Pos: 83
He's no Mark Ingram. But he's no C.J. Spiller, either. If only C.J. Spiller could say that.

WR (opp vs receiving)
Demaryius Thomas
vs CIN (21st)
Avg: 16.56 Rk: 36 Pos: 11
Only caught 1 TD from Peyton this season but has 4 from Osweiler over the last five weeks. Peyton could be back, but I doubt it. Either way, you gotta start Thomas. Only one game this season with less than 50 yards receiving. Gotsta do it.

Brandon Marshall vs NE (12th)
Avg: 20.08 Rk: 24 Pos: 5
Gotsta do it! Yes, New England knows how to game plan for each opponent. Yes, the Jets are going to lose. Yes, Brandon Marshall will still get 100 yards. Yes, Belichick wants him on his team.

Martavis Bryant @ BAL (13th)
Avg: 18.58 Rk: 83 Pos: 33
27.8, 21.4, and 18.7. Those are Bryant's fantasy points from Weeks 10, 13, and 15. Those are Bryant's fantasy points from the weeks that his teammate Antonio Brown caught 2 TDs from Roethlisberger. Those are Bryant's fantasy points from the weeks his hoggish, star receiver teammate Brown scored 37.9, 31.8, and 46.9. Bryant averaged 22.63 for those weeks. That's right. Even when there's not enough to go around for Bryant, there's a whole f**king lot to go around for Bryant.

T Y Hilton @ MIA (28th)
Avg: 13.76 Rk: 56 Pos: 19
The second wide receiver picked at the draft. Highly sought after. None of these things will be said about Hilton at 2016's draft. I predict he'll go late second round, maybe even early third.

Jordan Matthews
vs WAS (13th)
Avg: 13.14 Rk: 64 Pos: 25
There's really no telling what you're gonna get from Matthews. His only good games have come against Atlanta, Dallas (twice), and (surprisingly) Arizona. He's had six games this season with only 3 catches. You could blame it on his quarterbacks, but I don't care who you blame it on. Facts is facts.

Tyler Lockett vs STL (19th)
Avg: 10.2 Rk: 117 Pos: 44
Yesss! Ever since Russell Wilson has exploded, so has Lockett. Even with the stinky 6.8-point game against Pittsburgh four weeks ago, Lockett is averaging 17.94 over the last five games. If Russell is going to continue to shine, he'll need Lockett and Baldwin to do it. Plus, at home against the Rams? Beatdown city.

Stefon Diggs vs NYG (32th)
Avg: 12.93 Rk: 118 Pos: 45
I'm pretty sure he went on vacation. Oh, he's got the Giants this week? Back to work.

DeVante Parker vs IND (27th)
Avg: 9.75 Rk: 451 Pos: 93
Someday, kid. Someday.

TE (opp vs receiving)
Jordan Reed
@ PHI (25th)
Avg: 16.82 Rk: 52 Pos: 5
Reed has 2 fewer receptions than Delanie Walker, 3 more than Greg Olsen, 6 more than Gary Barnidge, and 8 more than Rob Gronkowski. And he's missed as many games as all of them combined. Have you shit your pants yet? No? I'm sure the Eagles have.

Kyle Rudolph vs NYG (32nd)
Avg: 8.23 Rk: 170 Pos: 15
He's not starting, so back to Reed. If it weren't for his injurability--yeah, I just made up that word--Reed would be a first round pick EVERY YEAR. He'd go back-to-back with Gronk.

Gary Barnidge
@ KC (19th)
Avg: 15.36 Rk: 43 Pos: 3
Some call him Baby Gronk. Actually, they called Kelce that. So maybe he's Baby Kelce? That sounds like a kid who fell down a well or went missing. I don't know what to call him, but Johnny Manziel calls him his only hope.

Scott Chandler @ NYJ (18th)
Avg: 6.63 Rk: 336 Pos: 31
Not Chandler.

K (opp vs pts)
Steven Hauschka
vs STL (12th)
Avg: 8.0 Rk: 182 Pos: 9
This might be a really good week for Hauschka. Rams are back to trying, so maybe it'll be more FGs than XPs this Sunday.

Dan Bailey
@ BUF (17th)
Avg: 8.29 Rk: 168 Pos: 6
Cowboys suck. All the better for Bailey.

IDP (opp offense)
J.J. Watt
(DL) @ TEN (30th)
Avg: 6.32 Rk: 266 Pos: 1
It's been 3, 3, 3 for the last three. That aint' good. Mariotta or not, it's time to turn up the Watt!

Derrick Johnson (LB) vs CLE (25th)
Avg: 7.71 Rk: 196 Pos: 8
Derrick Johnson? More like Der-wreck Shop-son.

Reshad Jones (DB) vs IND (26th)
Avg: 10.29 Rk: 114 Pos: 1
Reshad Jones? More like I apologize for the bad Derrick Johnson pun.

Michael Bennett
(DL) vs STL (31st)
Avg: 4.36 Rk: 419 Pos: 9
Michael Bennett? More like Michael Win it.

C.J. Mosley (LB) vs PIT (2nd)
Avg: 7.11 Rk: 223 Pos: 12
C.J. Mosley? More like I didn't learn my lesson from the first pun.

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix (DB) @ ARI (1st)
Avg: 6.79 Rk: 238 Pos: 7
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix? No, seriously, that's a name???

DEF (opp offense)
@ DEN (23rd)
Avg: 11.33 Rk: 95 Pos: 9
In Mile High. That's tough. I bet they'll get a pick or two, but that's probably about it. Then again, Osweiler's good for some sacks. And if it's Peyton... They might be good for a safety as well. This could be a field day, actually.

@ ARI (1st)
Avg: 10.13 Rk: 120 Pos: 19
Good luck with that.

Good luck, competitors.

Only two days 'til Christmas. Hopefully you have all your shopping done. Otherwise, pack a thermos and some snacks, 'cause it's a long wait in that mall parking lot. Happy New Years and Merry Christmas! As you bite into that sweet glazed Christmas ham, take a moment to remember what you're most thankful for... No more stressful Monday nights until September.

'Til 2016...

~That Bearded Mofo~

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