That Bearded Mofo

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No Apologies... Okay, Just A Few

Published Tue Sep 13, 2016 7:30pm PST

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It feels good to start the fantasy season off with a win. That probably feels like a bit of salt in the wound to all those who lost Week 1, but... What can I say? I'm sorry...

...that I'm not sorry.

There's a few other things from this week that I'm unapologetic about which I'd like to cover in my new segment Sorry I'm Not Sorry.

Sorry I'm not sorry the L.A. Rams got shut out opening weekend.
And were the only team to do so. And got blown out by four touchdowns. And by the supposedly terrible 49ers. Not only am I not sorry, I think I might be a little too pleased. Almost as pleased as the St. Louis Dairy Queen that offered $1 cones in expectation of the Rams loss. That may seem like an unnecessary shot, but the NFL has suspiciously taken its own unwarranted shots at my hometown during this re-transfer of the Rams to L.A. These shots include editing out mention of the city from Orlando Pace's Hall of Fame speech and not editing out needless verbal attacks of the city from individuals on this season's Hard Knocks. So yeah, I think it's fair to say that I watched every inch of that horrible late Monday night game with glee.

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They'll be filing for bankruptcy before Tom Brady gets back.

Sorry I'm not sorry RGIII is on IR for 8 weeks.
The man needs to slide. We've been saying it for three years now. He wouldn't let it slide that he don't have to slide and now he's gotta slide into a shoulder cast. I'll tell you who else isn't sorry about it: Gary Barnidge owners.

Sorry I'm not sorry this kangaroo hates your architecture.

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"I've come for your children.
But I'll settle for your Netflix."

Sorry I'm not sorry Ryan Lochte got bum-rushed on live television.
To be clear, I don't think Lochte's behavior in Rio and his lies regarding said behavior means he deserves to be run at on Dancing With The Stars. They could've hurt Tom Bergeron! I don't agree with the Lochte protestors' actions, but I do agree with their anger. He's a grown ass man. He should've known better. But don't terrorize him.

But I ain't mad at it.

Sorry I'm not sorry for Antonio Brown's TD celebration twerk.

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If this bothers you, you live a joyless existence.

Sorry I'm not sorry Clinton called Trump supporters a "basket of deplorables."
I am sorry she said only half of them fit in that basket. Why do we have to keep pretending that Trump's longevity is to be revered as some sort of legitimate Presidential candidacy and not just as a mouthpiece for the vileness of humanity?

Since we're on Hillary...

Sorry I'm not sorry Hillary has pneumonia.
I'm actually very sorry about the implications that this has for this election. This benefits Trump so much. People don't want to vote for a President that looks ill. And if Hillary does get elected, we don't want her to croak in office and leave us with Tim Kaine. We didn't elect Tim Kaine! The reason I'm not sorry about the sickness is because it brings attention to the over-skewed elderliness of our Presidential options. I thought we got past all that when Bill was elected. Now we're headed into old-man Reagan territory again. Enough. We have an age minimum for President, why not an age maximum? If we don't limit the age, we might as well get rid of the age requirement altogether and put some requirements in that actually matter. For instance, I much rather have a President who is required to have previously served elected public office than a President who is simply required to have made it to his or her 35th birthday.

Sorry I'm not sorry the Raiders went for two.
Two for the win or one for the tie and inevitable loss? The Raiders were on the road in New Orleans against a firepower offense and lackluster defense. In a game they were expected to lose anyway, might as well take the chance. It's a win-win situation. Actually, it was a win-lose situation, but you know what I mean.

Sorry I'm not sorry about Orange Is The New Black's Dascha Polanco at New York Fashion Week.

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Not sorry about that at all.

Sorry I'm not sorry I haven't seen Stranger Things.
I get it. It's the '80s! So is The Goldbergs and people aren't raving over that.

Sorry I'm not sorry Terrence Williams didn't get out of bounds.
There's a lot of reasons the Cowboys lost that game. Dez pointing Williams to the sidelines doesn't make up for Bryant having only one catch and dropping a touchdown. And that formidable Cowboys O-line was only twomidable on Sunday. Even if Williams had made it out of bounds, Bailey likely would have missed that long field goal. Despite all that occurred throughout the game, the fact that the loss ended on a brain fart just continues to give Cowboys fans the ability to misguidedly believe that deep down their team is really, really good.

Sorry I'm not sorry Penn State's got a big ol' bruiser of a punter.
Opening weekend of college football, the 259-pound punter proved he can not only kick balls but also kick ass.

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Of course he probably is sorry because the notoriety put a target on his back that bulls-eyed the following weekend.
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"What did I ever do to deser--Oh yeah, right."

It feels good to get all those non-apologies off my chest.

In a quick recap of the Gateway League, Black & Goaled, GameTime, Pope, and Detox all won their division battles while Hitmen and OC Savage Blacks (formerly Back 2 Black) picked up the inter-conference matchups.

This week, Black Francis Soyer and Adrian Peterson try to rebound against Da,Pope and the Revis Island-sinking A.J. Green.

The Comeback Kid tries to come back with the double tight end punch of Delanie Walker and Jordan Reed against Hitmen's hit-making Larry "I Ain't Retired Yet" Fitzgerald.

BLACK WALL STREET tries to reel from the close loss and devastating loss of Keenan Allen against GameTime Decision and his party like it's 2014 duo of Andrew Luck and Antonio Brown.

EXPLOSIVE wants a lot more from Odell Beckham and the rest of the team this week as they go against STLiens' Panther squad of Cam Newton and Greg Olsen.

Detox is looking to breeze with Drew Brees against OC Savage Blacks and mad slingin' Benny Roethlisberger.

And Allstate Mayhem needs Todd Gurley to man up like David Johnson as they strike out against The Black & The Goaled and Week 1 letdowns Kirk Cousins and Demaryius Thomas.

That's all I got for this week. Don't forget your pick 'ems.

But seriously, get well, Hillary. Please.

~That Sorry! Is Just A Board Game Mofo~

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