That Bearded Mofo

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Screwy Gutter Cake

Published Tue Sep 20, 2016 6:30pm PST

image shaved off
image shaved off

Just days after a bomb goes off in New York, Angelina Jolie files for divorce from Brad Pitt. Coincidence?

Of course. Why would those incidents be related?

On another unrelated note, the Emmys telecast aired just a couple days ago. So many awards shows. The last thing we need is another awards show. So how about another awards show?

It's time to dump sarcastic praise onto the flaming pile that is your fantasy team. It's time for the 25th Annual Screwy Awards! And this actually is the 25th time we've done this, just not the 25th year. But 25 is quite an accomplishment. I mean that's more than the amount of receiving yards the Cardinals' John Brown has for the season. In two games. Two!! I'm not bitter.

As usual, we lead the celebration with our team leaders, the quarterbacks.

The "Browns Are On Pace To Start 16 QBs This Season" Award - Quarterbacks
Jameis Winston, 10 pts
Andrew Luck, 15 pts

And the Screwy goes to Jameis Winston.
A week after throwing 4 touchdowns and 1 interception, Winston switches those stats around to 4 interceptions and 1 touchdown. My God. And a fumble. Even my Goddier. That explains how Winston beat out Luck for the prize. Luck went from vintage 2014 awesomeness last week to hot stink on a stick this week. Sure, Winston and Luck played two of the toughest defenses in the league in Arizona and Denver, but screw excuses. We need our fantasy points!!!

The "Leonard Fournette Is Half Bulldozer" Award - Running Backs
Doug Martin, 2.3 pts
Adrian Peterson, 3.6 pts
Eddie Lacy, 5 pts
Mark Ingram, 6.7 pts
T.J. Yeldon, 7.8 pts
Jeremy Langford, 7.9 pts

And the Screwy goes to Eddie Lacy.
This week was hard on running backs. Peterson tore his meniscus. He'll be gone for some weeks. Martin tweaked his hammy and left early. Jonathan Stewart--who didn't even get a nomination--botched his hamstring as well. And also-didn't-ran Danny Woodhead got lost for the year with an ACL. That's two straight weeks of ACL losses for the Chargers to open the season. Ingram should have won the award, but last time I checked, 5 was less than 6.7. So Lacy's still-kinda-fat ass gets the junk prize. I mean, would a touchdown kill you, Eddie?

The "Why The F**k Do We Have To Tell People Not To Kiss Chickens?" Award - Wide Receivers
Donte Moncrief, 1.9 pts
John Brown, 2.4 pts
Golden Tate, 3.3 pts
Doug Baldwin, 5.0 pts
A.J. Green, 5.8 pts
Emmanuel Sanders, 6.9 pts
DeSean Jackson, 7 pts
Tajae Sharpe, 7.3 pts
Antonio Brown, 7.9 pts
Allen Robinson, 8.4 pts
Kevin White, 8.5 pts

And the Screwy goes to... It's a tie: Golden Tate and John Brown.
You know it's a bad week when heavy hitters Allen Robinson, Antonio Brown, DeSean Jackson, and A.J. Green each turn in single digit performances and fail to walk away with the award. Emmanuel Sanders and Doug Baldwin easily should have had the win. Did I say "the win"? I meant "the you shamed your mama and your ancestors, son!" Moncrief scored the lowest but that's 'cause, just like the running backs, he went out early with an owie bumbalowie. So Tate who was not great and Brown who brought everything down get to share the title of King of the Fried Recievers.

The "It's About Time Tatiana Maslany Won An Emmy For Orphan Black" Award - Tight Ends
Coby Fleener, 4.9 pts
Zach Miller, 7.3 pts
Virgil Green, 7.6 pts
Charles Clay, 7.7 pts
Travis Kelce, 8.4 pts

And the Screwy goes to Coby Fleener.
He's not good. He's just not good. Hey, all you fantasy experts who insist every tight end will be awesome in New Orleans system... Not this one. They've been hyping Fleener for years, ever since he started with Indy. He never was good. They said, "Just you wait. He's gonna get better." He never did. Now he goes to the Saints and that's supposed to mean all of a sudden he's Tony Gonzalez? Please. If those experts need to feel better though, I guess you could look at his 4.9 points this way: it's more than triple what he scored Week 1.

The "How Corey Feldman Go'n Cry Over Some Internet Bitchery?" Award - Kickers
Roberto Aguayo, 1 pt
Mason Crosby, 2 pts
Stephen Gostkowski, 5 pts
Blair Walsh, 5 pts
Chris Boswell, 6 pts

And the Screwy goes to Roberto Aguayo.
Aguayo was bad in the preseason and it looks like he used up his last wish last week to make everyone think he was alright. Aguayo? A-bye-o.

The "Bayside Bees of Anaheim are MLB's Newest Team" Award - Individual Defensive Players
Gerald McCoy (DL), 2.5 pts
Muhammad Wilkerson (DL), 3 pts
Khalil Mack (DL), 3 pts
Calais Campbell (DL), 3 pts
Aaron Donald (DL), 3.5 pts
Fletcher Cox (DL), 2 pts
Lavonte David (LB), 0 pts
Chandler Jones (LB), 3 pts
Morgan Burnett (DB), 1 pt
Tyrann Mathieu (DB), 2 pts
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix (DB), 2.5 pts
Earl Thomas (DB), 3 pts
Corey Graham (DB), 3.5 pts

And the Screwy goes to Lavonte David.
Did he even play? Seriously, did he? There were no inactive reports for David at all Sunday. He was the #2 linebacker on all fantasy boards at draft time. Awlubbem! Where was he Sunday? Zero points? Not a tackle? Even an assist? What the hell is that?!

The "Pizza Hut's Grilled Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza Sounds Stupidly Amazing" Award - Defense/Special Teams
New York Jets, 5 pts
Flu York Jets, 5 pts
Eww York Jets, 5 pts
Boo York Jets, 5 pts

And the Screwy obviously goes to the New York Jets.
They won the real game but let Tyrod Taylor light them up. Darrelle Revis got torched for the second straight week making Revis Island the dream of internet memes. [Insert superimposed crying Jordan face over the palm tree of a sinking island here.] That Thursday night game proved to be pretty good. Unless you're with the Bills. Which Offensive Coordinator Greg Roman isn't anymore. He was fired the next day. Because someone has to take the blame. And Roman isn't related to the head coach.

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Travis Benjamin, 29.5 pts for da,popping Da,Pope
Denver Broncos, 27.5 pts for dominating Da,Pope
Carson Palmer, 33.4 pts for combo breaking The Comeback Kid
Jarvis Landry, 21.7 pts for gimping GameTime Decision
Cam Newton, 42.3 pts for detonating EXPLOSIVE
Ben Roethlisberger, 28.3 pts for intoxicating Detox
Kirk Cousins, 24.2 pts for maydaying Allstate Mayhem

And the Screwy goes to Cam Newton.
Homina homina homina forty-two?! Cam had the game Jameis had last week (4 TDs, 1 INT). Mr. Newton was the MVP of an already stellar fantasy team in Week 2. How stellar? Even without Cam's 42.3, STLiens still would have beaten his opponent by 6.

The "College Coaches Agree Ain't Nobody Got Time For Blowouts" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Latavius Murray, 19.1 pts
Mike Wallace, 20.1 pts
Dak Prescott, 21.2 pts
Martellus Bennett, 22.4
Eric Decker, 24.6
Ryan Fitzpatrick, 26.8 pts
Ryan Tannehill, 30.9 pts
Tyrod Taylor, 33.3 pts
Derek Carr, 33.9 pts
Stefon Diggs, 33.2 pts
Corey Coleman, 27.4 pts
Andy Dalton, 25 pts
Joe Flacco, 23.2 pts
Isaiah Crowell, 21.3
Giovani Bernard, 20.2 pts
Sterling Shepard, 19.7 pts
Philadelphia Eagles, 16.1 pts

Honorable Mention: Matt Ryan, 37.8 pts

And the Screwy goes to Stefon Diggs.
Daaaaammmn, Stefon! You make Sam Bradford look good. Diggs went off all over the Packers Sunday night. He even came off the sidelines to defend his teammate, earning his team a 15-yard penalty in the process. That didn't matter because Diggs was gaining 20 yards with every catch and he had 9 of those. This was also the week of balling bench quarterbacks. Tannehill, Tyrod, Carr, and Ryan--Matt effin' Ryan?!?--all went over 30. Week 2 was as crazy as Week 1. You had to bench all your starters and start all your benchers if you wanted to win. Unless you did win, in which case, I hate you.

It's time to loosen your girdle and pour the bar nuts back in the can. That's all from Screwy Awards 25: Camacho vs Silva!

Week 2 left the Gateway League with three undefeated and three winless. That seems about one more each than usual two weeks in. Two games is nothing and everyone is still in it. That being said, EXPLOSIVE, Allstate Mayhem, and The Comeback Kid desperately need a win this week. Personally, I'm hoping Comeback goes 0-3, though I'm sure he's a very nice fella.

The North Division boasts two non-losers in Hitmen and The Black & The Goaled while OC Savage Blacks holds down the only all-winning spot in the Horizontal Conference. At least one team adds a digit to the loss column this week as Black and Blacks face each other. Can that be considered Black on Black violence? Guess we'll have to tune in next week to see.

~That Bitter Brown Mofo~

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