The Unusual Suspects
Published Tue Sep 27, 2016 10:15pm PST
One debate down. Too many more to go.
It's the opposite with weeks of the NFL. Three are in the books, which means we've only got ten left before the playoffs. We'll be down to single digits after next week! Noooo, football, don't leave us!
Enough fooling around. Let's get down to serious business. It's time to round up the most nefarious perpetrators of the week. It's time once again to find That Bearded Mofo's Most Wanted.
Perpetrators: Ryan Fitzpatrick and Carson Palmer
For the crime of: Misappropriation
Last seen: Delivering obscene amounts of footballs to the opposing team
If you should find either Fitzpatrick or Palmer, you must be a defensive back. A week after Fitzpatrick made the Bills look foolish, the Bills took their revenge on Palmer. Palmer was picked 4 times. So horrendous. But he couldn't match Fitzpatrick who had a ludicrously high 6 throws taken, a couple of them in the end zone. Later, Fitzpatrick tossed his jersey in the hamper, but it was intercepted by Marcus Peters who ran it back all the way to the Chiefs locker room. He really had a bad day.
Perpetrator: New York Giants' kicking net
For the crime of: Assault
Last seen: Karate chopping Odell Beckham Jr. in the neck
If you should find the Giants' kicking net, don't start none, won't be none.
Perpetrator: Lester Holt
For the crime of: Abandonment
Last seen: Leaving Trump and Clinton to moderate themselves at Monday's Presidential debate
If you should find Holt, inform his family. They have to be worried sick about him. Every four years, a moderator gets raked over the coals by the public for being too polite to stop the candidates from being impolite and letting them run away with the debate crazy train. This year, it's Lester's turn.
Perpetrator: Dak Prescott
For the crime of: Grand theft quarterback
Last seen: Stealing Tony Romo's job
If you should find Prescott, don't pinch him. Cowboys fans don't want this dream to end. It's a remarkable difference from when Tony Romo got hurt early last year to when Tony Romo got hurt early this year. Last year, dem 'boys suffered through a couple different mediocre QBs. This year, they got a star-in-the-making QB who will keep the starting gig whether he wants to or not.
Perpetrator: Al Jazeera reporter Kimberly Halkett
For the crime of: Inciting a riotous viral video
Last seen: Bitchin' out a bitch before Monday's Presidential debate
If you should find Kimberly, whatever you do, don't push her.
Perpetrator: Brooklyn hoarder with 20-years dead son in home
For the crime of: Maybe murder; Possibly manslaughter; Definitely the creeps
Last seen: Not telling her family her dead son has been lying in his bed for 20 years
If you should find the little old blind lady, you must be buried under a pile of New York phone books. The more you think about this story, the less you want to, so I'm gonna end it there.
Perpetrator: Mike Ditka
For the crime of: Public indecency
Last seen: Spouting some racially ignorant nonsense and trashing Colin Kaepernick
If you should find Ditka, slap that cigar out of his mouth and take a knee. "I would never guess Mike Ditka has racially ignorant views," said no one ever. Ditka regrets not running against Obama for the Illinois Senate seat because he thinks he would've won and prevented "the worst president we've ever had." He woulda got his feelings hurt. Ditka may be beloved by 60-year-old Bears fans, but it ends there. Obama would've made Ditka's poll numbers look worse than his coaching record with the Saints. Ditka also said he doesn't "see all the atrocities that are going on in this country that people say are going on." Somebody check him for glaucoma. Actually, somebody just check him.
Perpetrator: Death
For the crime of: Buzz killing
Last seen: Taking Florida Marlins pitcher José Fernández, golf legend Arnold Palmer, and Radio Raheem Bill Nunn. And Muhammad Ali. And Prince. And Gary Shandling. And every celebrity known to man in 2016.
If you should find Death, oh my God that sounds horrible. The grim reaper has called a lot of familiar names and faces this year. Sure, he's just doing his job, but nobody asked him to work overtime. Take a vacation in 2017, please.
Perpetrator: Bill Belichick
For the crime of: Voodoo; And don't forget cheating
Last seen: Winning despite no earthly reason to
If you should find Belichick, do not look him in the eye. Do not try to engage him. He will attempt to crush your soul. And he will succeed.
Perpetrator: Tom Hanks
For the crime of: Wedding crashing
Last seen: Making a couple's day on their big day
If you should find Hanks, he'll probably take a picture with you. If you love Tom Hanks, you'd probably enjoy the TomHanksgiving podcast. If you hate Tom Hanks, you're inhuman, perhaps a creature from the underworld.
Perpetrator: Ginger
For the crime of: Prison break
Last seen: Opening three doors like she's straight up human
If you should find Ginger, strip search her. Make sure there's not a file baked into her dog biscuit. Also, make sure she's not actually a woman in a fur suit. This German shepherd easily escaped Apple Valley Animal Shelter on her way to finding her homeless owner and getting back to her old life. She even knocked some phones off the hook and tossed around some papers, possibly in an effort to slow down the fuzz hot on her trail.
Perpetrator: Terrelle Pryor
For the crime of: Double dipping
Last seen: Playing receiver, quarterback, and even safety all in one game
If you should find Pryor, probe him to see whether he is an Autobot or a Decepticon because he's certainly a Transformer.
Perpetrator: NASA
For the crime of: Sign stealing
Last seen: Changing all the dates in the zodiac chart
If you should find NASA, ask them what the hell is an Ophiuchus. And more importantly, how do you pronounce that? This zodiac name that reads like something Hercules came up with during a concussion is a new 13th sign that NASA has added to the mix. And of course my birthday falls within it, meaning that I'm no longer a Sagittarius. How am I supposed to use a pick up line with that sign? Hey, baby. What's your sign? I'm an Ophiuchus... No no no, I'm not being dirty! [SMACK!]
There's your baker's dozen of Most Wanted this week. You'll also want to search out replacements for your Packers and Eagles this week as those two teams kick off the first of the byes.
There's only one undefeated team left in the Gateway League as losses to both Hitmen and The Black & The Goaled and a win by Black Francis Soyer leaves a 3-way tie in the North Division. One win separates each team in the South Division as the newly named Can't Get Right (formerly EXPLOSIVE) is still on the lookout for the first win of the season. Things are closer in the East Division with BLACK WALL STREET leaping to first with 2 straight victories. And that aforementioned undefeated team OC Savage Blacks lords over the close behind Detox and winless The Comeback Kid in the West Division.
Enjoy your football weekend everybody. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go beat my brother's butt in a fake football game. Prepare for black and blue, Black & Goaled!
~That Manhunting Mofo~