That Bearded Mofo

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Mid Mid Terms

Published Tue Oct 4, 2016 5:20pm PST

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Everybody says Odell Beckham, Jr. needs to calm down. How can he remain calm when Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in Paris?! How can he remain calm when Donald Trump ain't paid taxes in 18 years?! How can he remain calm when there's pens and pineapples and apples and pens running loose on the streets?!

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There. Now it's stuck in your head too.

How can anyone remain calm when we're four weeks into the season and we have no idea what the hell is going on. The Patriots got blanked at home for the first time since 1993 and the Ryan Bros. Bills are the ones that did it to them. The Vikings are 4-0 without Adrian and Teddy while the Panthers and Cardinals are 1-3 with Cam and Carson. Also, the Raiders and the Rams are 3-1. And the Cleveland Browns... Well, they're the only winless team, so that story lines up. But everything else is crazy!

To get a better grasp on the season, you gotta get a better grasp of your football lingo. That segue makes sense, right? Every year, I break down gridiron terminology to help you increase your knowledge of the game. Here are 7 more football terms for your noggin.

End Around
Definition: A running play where a wide receiver carries the ball around the end of his offensive line.
In a sentence: After the Colts' miserable play calling at the end of the London game, I'm betting Coach Pagano's tenure will end around the time they land back in the States.

Alligator Arms
Definition: When a receiver fails to fully extend his arms to catch the ball, usually out of fear of taking an oncoming hit.
In a sentence: My skin is rougher than alligator arms.
Or: In the animal kingdom wars, the mercenary alligator arms the hippo delegation with RPGs to take out the sovereign city of Koala-Llamapur.

Across The Middle
Definition: Running a pass route in the middle of the field where a receiver can be vulnerable to blind hits.
In a sentence: I used to prefer the window, but I've moved across the middle seat to the aisle.
Combo: Dwayne Allen got alligator arms running across the middle.

What? They don't all have to be silly. Sometimes, they can be legit.

Dink and Dunk
Definition: An offensive style consisting of short yardage passes.
In a sentence: Crazy Eric Andre revealed his dink and dunked himself in a tub just before Hannibal Buress kicked Flavor Flav in the face.
Report: "Hannibal Buress Kicked Flavor Flav In The Face On The Eric Andre Show"

Yes, that sentence is silly, but it is also legit.

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Flav never smoked enough crack in his life to ever make this make sense.

Definition: The space between offensive linemen where a running back will carry the ball and a defensive player will run through when chasing the ball carrier.
In a sentence: There's a huge gap between how much the internet loves Netflix's Luke Cage and how I feel about it.
Report: "'Luke Cage' Earns Far More Media Mentions Than 'Westworld,' 'Amanda Knox,' Firm Says"

Hands To The Face
Definition: A penalty where a player uses his hands to strike an opposing player's face mask.
In a sentence: My clock crashed to the floor and I can't reattach the hands to the face.

Hang Time
Definition: The amount of time a punted ball stays in the air.
In a sentence: Customers want to hang Time Warner Cable for their crappy service, but they think changing their name to Spectrum will make us forget.
Report: "Attention former Time Warner customers: Get ready for your cable bill to go up"

Combo: During hang time with the shawty, she turned her end around and I thought that was the signal to dink and dunk in the gap, but when my alligator arms started to reach across the middle she gave me hands to the face.

Now no one can ever tell you you don't know what you're talking about when it comes to football, because you now know 7 things at least.

Speaking of things to know, I was given specific instruction this week to highlight the only undefeated team in the Gateway League. So, this just in, there's a 4-0 team in Gateway. I can't reveal my source, but through extensive research, I have confirmed that OC Savage Blacks stands atop the Gateway standings after a 5 TD performance by Ben Roethlisberger saved the win.

Too bad this isn't Screwy Awards season. Crazy performances in Week 4. With his 47 points, Big Ben was only the 3rd-highest scorer. Teammates Matt Ryan and Julio Jones went for 48.5 and 48, respectively. Jones had 300 yards receiving. 300! Only the sixth time that's ever been done in the pros. Meanwhile, Michael Crabtree had 3 touchdowns and A.J. Green started off the wide receiver bonanza weekend with his 173-yard game Thursday night. By the way, that's only Green's 2nd most yards on the season.

Then on the screwy end, there were the DeAndre Hopkins, Charles Sims, and Julian Edelmans of the fantasy world. May they rest in peace because they are dead to us.

This week, we've got Allen Robinson, Spencer Ware, Coby Fleener, Doug Baldwin and their respective teams on bye. That's Jaguars, Chiefs, Saints, and Seahawks if you didn't know. But of course you knew because you just studied my definitions.

In Gateway, we've got 4 division battles this week. It's a twice upon a time Superbowl rematch as undefeated OC Savage Blacks (4-0) takes on winless The Comeback Kid (0-4) in the West Division. STLiens (2-2) and GameTime Decision (2-2) fight it out for first place and the only winning record in the South Division. BLACK WALL STREET (2-2) tries to start up a new win streak after last week's loss as he matches wits and brawn with Allstate Mayhem (2-2) in the East Division. And The Black & The Goaled (3-1) tries to fend off his 1-loss record against downward streaking Hitmen (2-2) in the North Division. Also, current Vertical Conference leader Black Francis Soyer (3-1) goes across conference to take on Detox (2-2) while last place Can't get right (0-4) desperately needs to get right with a win over Da,Pope (2-2). We shall see.

That's all for this week. Take us out, Flavor Flav.

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Who what when where and why the f**k?

~That Lingo Mofo~

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