That Bearded Mofo

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Letterman Racket

Published Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:55am PST

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The NFL may have had its best week of the season. Close games and wild finishes made that so. The Cowboys-Steelers game featured 6 two-point attempts, all of which failed. The Patriots couldn't tie the Seahawks after several tries from the 1-yard line. And the Rams and Jets were in a nailbiter of a--okay, I'm lying on that one. It ended 9-6. They couldn't even give their three viewers at home a touchdown for their troubles. Shameful.

We're deep into fall which is that education time of the year. On that note, lets ring that school bell for the eighth time for...

Learning Your ABC's with That Bearded Mofo

Brought to you by SmackMack's Labius Corpus: America's #1 XXX-themed legal service. Our girls will get you off while they get you off, only at Labius Corpus!

A is for Atrocious, Americans, and Aftermath as in:
In the aftermath of this atrocious election, at least Americans can find solace in Biden memes.

B is for Beds, Border, and Bodies as in:
South of the border, they bury bodies under hotel beds.

C is for Checks,
D is for Duck, and
E is for Endorse as in:
I endorse my checks as "Daffy Duck" so they can't be cashed.

Labius Corpus is endorsed by President-elect Donald J. Trump. I mean, he hasn't so much endorsed Labius Corpus as he has endorsed grabbing women by the labias and seems to be a yuuuge fan of suing people. So by the laws of transitive property, we're White House-approved!

Labius Corpus.

F is for Fake, Fork, and Forty-three as in:
Roethlisberger's fake spike touchdown pass to Antonio Brown with forty-three seconds left on the clock was enough to put a fork in the Cowboys...

G is for Game-winning, Gassed, and Gut as in:
...Until Ezekiel Elliot went up the gut and gassed the Steelers on a thirty-two yard game-winning touchdown run.

H is for Hate,
I is for Injustice, and
J is for Jealous as in:
I hate Patriots fans because they think everyone is jealous of their team's success and that punishment for cheating is somehow an injustice.

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Like Tom Brady would be caught dead among the common folk. Fake!

K is for Keep,
L is for Lunch, and
M is for Manager as in:
If a Chili's manager takes away a Black veteran's free lunch because a White stranger has doubts, should he keep his job?

N is for Now, Nitroglycerin, and Notes as in:
Now those nitroglycerin Samsung Galaxy Notes will cost you nearly $200,000 if you try to take one on a plane.

Only things getting blowed up at Labius Corpus are your legal briefs and your boxer briefs. Get deposed by the finest of hoes! What our lawyers lack in litigation they make up for in titigation. You know what I'm saying? Huh, huh? Know what I'm saying? ... It means they got big boobies. In the end, isn't that more important than a not guilty verdict?


O is for Out, Oxford, and Otherwise as in:
The Oxford Dictionaries word of 2016 is "post-truth", a political concept otherwise known as "out and out lying."

P is for Play,
Q is for Quirky, and
R is for Rock as in:
Kansas' end zone camouflage trick play was a quirky idea for the rock chalk Jayhawks.

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"I'll yell out 'Surprise!' Or... Ooh, maybe 'Gotcha, suckas!'...
Arrgh! C'mon, Gonzalez. This has to be perfect."

S is for Sabers, Slept, and Star as in:
Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford slept together while making Star Wars and you do NOT want to know what they did with the light sabers.

T is for Tied, Touchdown, and Take as in:
The Saints tied the Broncos with a touchdown and were ready to take the lead with the extra point...

U is for Under, Underhanded, and Upset as in:
...But Denver pulled an upset after an arguably underhanded extra point block resulted in the Broncos returning the ball for 2 points under the new NFL rules.

Our attorneys aren't underhanded... They prefer to reach around. For a limited time, buy one get one free on all wrongful termination lawsuits. 'Cause if you're shopping with us, you know you can't keep no job.


Labius Corpus.

V is for Vacation, Von, and Vajayjay as in:
If Von Miller fails to prevent the sex tape he made in Mexico from getting released, it should be titled Von's Vajayjay Vacation.

W is for Woodwork,
X is for Xylograph, and
Y is for Yammering as in:
Instead of yammering on and on about victory after I beat EXPLOSIVE this weekend, I will simply woodwork a xylograph showcasing the win for future ages to see.

Z is for Zatarain's, Zeke, and Zodiac as in:
Running back Zeke Elliott's zodiac sign must be Zatarain's because he runs right through defenses like low-cost red beans and rice.

A second Ezekiel Elliott mention? Anything for our best client, the Dallas Cowboys. We represented Jerry Jones when Foghorn Leghorn sued him for copyright infringement. Just name the charge and we'll fight for you! Speeding ticket. Reading ticket. Manslaughter. Mantickle. Littering. Loitering. Lootering. Assisted homicide. Vandalism. Jean Claude Vandalism. Peeping Tom. Pooping Tom. Theft. Armed robbery. One-armed robbery. Three-armed robbery. Possession of a controlled substance. Possession of a groovy substance. Weed breath. Bail jumping. Prostitution (escort variety). Prostitution ($2 variety). Prostitution (Labius Corpus variety). Puppetslaying. Grave robbing. Horse mugging. And weekend visitation rights. So bring your illegal ass on down to the only law firm that makes the judges all rise first.

SmackMack's! Labius Corpus! (Formerly Buttorneys.)

Looks like you've all passed with flying colors once again. I'm such an amazing teacher. I should get a raise. Or a dental plan. I'd settle for a parking space.

Gateway got all shook up after Week 10. Six teams are even at 5-5, including the entire West Division which just saw a major reshuffle. Detox now reigns in that division thanks to reigning the entire league in points.

The North Division maintains the league's top two seeds with Soyer and Goaled at 7 wins each. Seven wins is generally enough to make the playoffs, so they should be set. You guys can go ahead and lose out, okay?

We've got some hot division battles in Gateway this week. North and South Division leaders Black Francis Soyer (7-3) and STLiens (6-4) go at it for a potential shift at the top of the standings. The outcome of that one could have major benefit to the winner of the matchup between South Division rivals EXPLOSIVE (5-5) and GameTime Decision (5-5). Detox (5-5) and The Comeback Kid (5-5) will meet to decide who will lead the West Division. Da,Pope (4-6) and OC Savage Blacks (5-5) will battle it out to see who gets to be in the first spot to miss the playoffs if they started today. Hitmen (4-6) tries to save face against division opponent The Black & The Goaled (7-3). And Allstate Mayhem (5-5) tries to sneak an easy one against the down and out X (2-8).

That's all the news you can kinda use. See ya next week for some Turkeys!

~ That Legally Illegal Mofo ~

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