That Bearded Mofo

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Day Of The Turkeys

Published Thu Nov 24, 2016 9:15am PST

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Ahhh, it's that time of year. Charlie Brown specials. An abundance of special offers and sales. And orange everywhere. Just a boatload of orange food and stuff. Why is everything so orange?

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Just another of many problems he's caused but doesn't have the answer to.

Before you settle in with your loved ones for your old family tradition, let's settle in for our young one. It's time for the Thanksgiving 2016 Screwy Awards! In this special annual version of the event, Screwys are handed out by turkeys--this year's turkeys to be exact. Shhh! The show is starting.

It's fitting that this person lead off our presenters tonight: she is a former First Lady and she leads in 2016 Presidential Election votes. Please give it up for Democratic Party Presidential nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton.

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Hillary Clinton: I'm thankful I was able to stop the change of address I ordered on all my checks. The nominees for worst quarterback are...

The "Tony Romo Who?" Award - Quarterbacks
Matthew Stafford, 13.9 pts
Ben Roethlisberger, 10.3 pts

And the Screwy goes to Ben Roethlisturdburglar.
It was the Le'Veon Bell show against Cleveland Sunday which meant there wasn't much for Big Ben to do. He should have been able to doo doo all over the Browns instead of doing doo doo against them. Got enough dookie jokes in here for you?

Our next presenter is thankful that people are judged by actions and not by looks, otherwise he'd be on trial for serial killing. Please welcome Hamilton enthusiast, Vice-President-elect Mike Pence.

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Mike Pence: I'm thankful I'll be President by this time next year. The Gobble Gobble nominees for running backs are...

The "55-Year-Old College Players Don't Stiff Arm, They Arthritis Arm" Award - Running Backs
Spencer Ware, 9.5 pts
Duke Johnson, 7.1 pts

And the Screwy goes to Duke Johnson.
Studies show that playing for the Browns takes five years off your life span because you just want to die. Good God, they're horrific. The Cleveland Browns are the new Raiders: never start one for fantasy. Meanwhile, the Oakland Raiders are the new Browns in that they're trying to move up out their hometown for new digs.

Our next presenter is a grown ass man. Remember that. Here's Team USA Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte.

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Ryan Lochte: I'm thankful that, even though my lie got exposed during the one period of time the whole wide world is watching, I know it's still not the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. The No-thanksgiving wide receivers are...

The "Steve Smith Sr. Will Never Retire" Award - Wide Receivers
Stefon Diggs, 9.7 pts
Odell Beckham Jr., 9.6 pts
Cameron Meredith, 8.9 pts
Kelvin Benjamin, 8.6 pts
Willie Snead, 7.3 pts
Davante Adams, 7.2 pts
Golden Tate, 3.7 pts
Michael Crabtree, 3.5 pts
Marvin Jones, 2.5 pts
A.J. Green, 0 pts
Jeremy Kerley, 0 pts

And the Screwy goes to Jeremy Kerley.
Colin Kaepernick has no one else to throw to and yet Kerley gets nothing. Three Stooges Curly could have done better and he's got TB... two bellies.

Our next presenter needs no introduction, so I won't give him one.

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Kanye West: I'm thankful y'all already knew this was coming. Y'all knew this was coming. The nominees for most despicable tight end are...

The "Holidays Crush All Your Diet Goals" Award - Tight Ends
Jason Witten, 8.7 pts
Delanie Walker, 7.6 pts
Greg Olsen, 7.3 pts
Tyler Eifert, 6.7 pts
Julius Thomas, 4.2 pts
Cameron Brate, 3.8 pts
Martellus Bennett, 2.4 pts
Jack Doyle, 1.7 pts
Vernon Davis, 0 pts

And the Screwy goes to Martellus Bennett.
Call it an upset if you want, but the fact of the matter is that Vernon had 0 because he spent the whole game blocking and setting up his teammates for big runs. However, Martellus was primed for the biggest tight end game of the week what with Gronkowski out and the 49ers on the other side of the ball. And what happened? Nothing. A measly 1 catch on 2 targets. "That's that Patriots racism!" I would exclaim if Malcolm Mitchell hadn't led the team in receiving yards. By the way, who the f@%k is Malcolm Mitchell? That's what Martellus should be saying, because his stats make Marty Mar look like a dope.

Coming to the stage to present the award for bad kicking, a bad sidekick: former Access Hollywood and Today Show host Billy Bush.

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Billy Bush: I'm thankful all I got was fired. You should see what the other guy got. He got to be President. The list of nominees for worst kicker are--brace yourself. This may take a while. The nominees are...

The "NFLPA Have To Drop Kickers From The Union After Sunday's 12 Missed XPs" Award - Kickers
Dustin Hopkins, 4 pts
Mason Crosby, 4 pts
Stephen Gostkowski, 4 pts
Caleb Sturgis, 1 pt
Mike Nugent, -4 pts

And the Screwy goes to Minus Nugent.
You know how kickers are treated as meaningless in fantasy football? Well, they mean a lot when they take points away from your team. In this case, a huge chunking four points. You know the amount of stuff you can buy with four points? Nothing, because you can't buy anything with fantasy points. But still, that's a lot of money! Nugent, who was only just picked up by EXPLOSIVE because the usual kicker was on bye, took away 5% of the fantasy team's points. To add insult to injury, the move didn't just cost points, but also real life money for the waiver transaction. Yay fantasy football...?

Our next presenter can put you in jail, if that's what the GOP wants. Try to keep your lunch down for FBI head James Comey.

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James Comey: I'm thankful I will never pay for my political crimes. Never. The individual defensive turkeys are...

The "Stuffing Is Good All By Itself" Award - Individual Defensive Players
DeForest Buckner (DL), 3 pts
Carlos Dunlap (DL), 3 pts
William Gholston (DL), 2 pts
Aaron Donald (DL), 2 pts
Frank Clark (DL), 2 pts
Everson Griffen (DL), 1.5 pts
Brandon Graham (DL), 1.5 pts
Paul Posluszny (LB), 5.5 pts
Sean Lee (LB), 4 pts
Tahir Whitehead (LB), 2.5 pts
Morgan Burnett (DB), 4 pts
Antoine Bethea (DB), 4 pts
Rodney McLeod (DB), 3 pts
Kenny Vaccaro (DB), 3 pts
Earl Thomas (DB), 3 pts
Eric Berry (DB), 2.5 pts
Tony Jefferson (DB), 2.5 pts
Jason McCourty (DB), 1 pt

And the Screwy goes to Tahir Whitehead.
Tahir-rible is more like it. Against the Jaguars, this Lions linebacker couldn't muster 3 points after averaging 8.4 on the season. "So he only got 2.5. He's just an IDP," you say? As long as you've got IDPs like Burfict, Kuechly, and Harrison Smith scoring double digits, anything less than 7.5 is no longer acceptable.

You may want to take a shower after our next presenter. A decontamination shower. Here is former personality(?) Tila Tequila.

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Tila Tequila: I'm thankful someone's finally talking about me again. Heil, Hitler, y'all! The Screwy nominees for defense/special teams are...

The "Vikings Had Two 100-Yard Touchdowns In One Game" Award - Defense/Special Teams
Kansas City Chiefs, 4.5 pts
Baltimore Ravens, 2.3 pts
Green Bay Packers, -1.2 pts

Dishonorable Mention: Philadelphia Eagles, 0.3 pts

And the Screwy goes to the Green Bay Slackers.
What the hell's going on with all these negative points this week! And why are the Packers not good all of a sudden? Vince Lombardi would be spinning in his grave if we let the man die. Enough with all the references and pedestal raising for this guy already. I mean, there's a goddamn Vince Lombardi impressionist that ESPN keeps trotting out. Who wakes up one morning and says, "You know, I bet I could make money impersonating a long irrelevant sports coach."? What's next? Somebody gonna start breaking out their Bobby Knight impressions? Maybe a little Red Auerbach? Maybe I'll shut up and make some cash honing my Denny Green.

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The late great irate Denny Green.

Our next presenter... Oh boy. This guy is a little temperamental. Please welcome--but not too loud! We don't want to set him off. Welcome our next presenter, the city of Saint Louis, Missouri.

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Saint Louis, Missouri: I'm thankful that I was the murder capital of the U.S. last year. "Why would I be thankful for that", you ask? Because it means I got nowhere to go but up. Or down in this case. I can be better. WE can be better. It's up to us to reach out and make the next man a better man. And that starts with today. I know you're not used to such a hopey-changey kind of message from your ol' boy the S-T-L. But it's a new world out there. For God's sake, the Cubs won the world series! Chicago won't shut up to me about it. I gotta hear this and on top of that, with all the murders he's got going on, you're telling me I'm still the worst?!? Naw, f**k that. F**k him, f**k that, and f**k all of it! Where's my turkey St. Paul?! [storms away]

[returns briefly] I almost forgot. The fantasy bastards are...

The "Fantasy Bastard" Award - Player That Killed Yo' Ass
Detroit Lions, 25.1 pts for KO'ing OC Savage Blacks
Alex Smith, 24 pts for overseeing OC Savage Blacks
Drew Brees, 23.2 pts for backstabbing The Comeback Kid
Kirk Cousins, 37.1 pts for assassinating Hitmen
Le'Veon Bell, 30.1 pts for hitting Hitmen
Aaron Rodgers, 38.8 pts for stilting STLiens
Andrew Luck, 25.3 pts for concussing EXPLOSIVE
Doug Baldwin, 21.1 pts for throwing a touchdown on EXPLOSIVE
Tom Brady, 39.2 pts for crossing out X
David Johnson, 31.5 pts for marking the spot on X
Dez Bryant, 26 pts for dumping X

And the Screwy goes to Tom Brady.
Sweet baby Jesus. A testament to how murderous Allstate Mayhem's team was this weekend: the team scored 153.1 and that was with three players having 0, -1.2, and 1.5 for a combined 0.3 points. Unfortunately, X never stood a chance because (1) Tom Brady wants to get back at Roger Goodell, (2) Tom Brady was playing close to his hometown for the first time in his pro career, (3) Tom Brady was playing against his childhood favorite team, and (4) Tom Brady wants vengeance on Roger Goodell. It bears mentioning twice. All those Brady points were nothing personal. Well, at least not fantasy-wise. They were very personal Goodell-wise.

Tonight's final presenter is used to finishing last. Please welcome Libertarian Party Presidential nominee Gary Johnson.

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Gary Johnson: I'm thankful that I now know what Aleppo is. ... It's an autoimmune disorder, right? The pine rider award hopefuls are...

The "Hillary Got 2 Million More Votes Than Donald" Award - Biggest Bench Performer
Dak Prescott, 34.6 pts
Derek Carr, 30.7 pts
Steve Smith, 23.9 pts
Rishard Matthews, 21.2 pts
Arizona Cardinals, 11.7 pts
Zach Ertz, 15.5 pts
Carson Wentz, 21.1 pts
Davante Parker, 21.9 pts
Russell Wilson, 30 pts
Robert Kelley, 31.7 pts

Honorable Mention: Minnesota Vikings, 25.7 pts

And the Screwy goes to Russell Wilson.
He's back. And not only can he throw touchdowns, but he can catch them. The nominee that really stands out is that Robert Kelley. Yipes! Even Allstate's bench was showing out. Looks like Washington has something there with that running back. Speaking of NFC East running backs, Rashad Jennings would have been a nominee had he not just been dropped from his fantasy team. What fool had the poor foresight to drop the Giant's running back right before he dropped 21.4 points on the Bears? I mean what an idiot that owner must be. He must feel like a straight up ass. What a loser. Where is that dope? Stand up. Stand up if you're here. Shine the spotlight on him--ow! Don't turn it to me. I said find the doofus who--oh. Right... Right. Yay fantasy football...?

Gotta give it up for call backs. Now it's time to pull the jelly roll out of the oven and the belly roll out of your pants. That's all from the Thanksgiving 2016 Screwy Awards!

Gateway folks, I'm gonna finish this quick because I'm tired of writing and you're tired of reading and it's time to get on to eating and family. There are a lot of teams with sixes and fives in their win-loss columns. In fact, 6 of them play against another this week meaning there may be a lot of shifting this weekend, but it won't matter much. Almost everyone is still in the playoff hunt.

Don't be a turkey. Eat a turkey.

~ That Fried Oreo Eatin' Mofo ~

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