That Bearded Mofo



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It's Been Real

Published Wed Nov 30, 2016 11:00pm PST

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You know what's fun? Scoring the 3rd most points in the fantasy league over the weekend. You know what's not fun? Playing against the team that scored the most. Happy Thanksgiving to me. Sheesh.

I guess things could've been worse. Not really. I could've gotten my finger dislocated like Derek Carr. Nope. Or I could've been one of the poor saps who saw Carr's dislocated finger because the channels replayed it over and over. I was. Or I could be a Panthers fan. What. The hell. Has happened? Or a Browns fan. N/A

Well, it's week 13 and you know what that mean. It means I wrap up the season by rapping up the season. Before you get too excited, just know that, this year, there is no track that you can just hit play to hear. Due to an unrelentingly busy schedule, That Bearded Mofo was unable to step into a booth this year to churn out your hit. I know, it's sad, I know.

But there once was a time when there was no recorded wrap up rap: only the written word. So we return to that simpler time once again in 2016. Maybe this is what Trump was referring to when wanting to make America great again. As always, links to my articles touching on the rapped about events are in the lyrics below. This year's rap is a special one for me because it parodies a song from my favorite group. Please enjoy That Bearded Mofo's take on 2016 set to Outkast's baby mama drama hit Ms. Jackson.

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Need a little help following the flow? Hit this instrumental.

Bo Jackson

Yeah this one right here goes out to all the fantasy players, players
Player's players, fantasy players' players
Yeah, go like this

I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy
I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy


My fantasy players mistreat me
They do me like I'm Flavor Flav and they're
Hannibal Buress kicking me in the face on the weekly
They need to make amends with me like Odell B and the kick net
I want that Julio Jones three hundred yard game to upset
My enemies. Make 'em sick like Hillary had pneumonia
Millenials don't eat Big Macs? Shoot, give 'em to me, I'm on ya
Penn State's big 'ol punter smashed returners making 'em lay down
Discount steaks at Ruth's Chris make you twerk like Antonio Brown
Brad and Angelina getting divorced, Cubs won the Series
Revis island, Ken Bone, and Biden memes got me in tearies
Missed kicks. Ain't that position supposed to be skilled?
Oh well. Who in the hell threw a dildo on the Bills field? Yeah

I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy
I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy


Brady and Goodell, got a special thing going on
F**k Goodell offense
Looks like it's going strong
Foot Locker seized on it, put Brady in an ad
Kia, why you selling sports cars
Using old retired sports stars like Bo Jackson?

Ten games out of nine, the Browns lose every time
The Dallas Cowboys lost Romo at QB, now they're fine
Seems that thing didn't work for Vikings
When Teddy B and AP got their legs in a sling
Andre and Arian, like Calvin Johnson, said bye forever
Forever? Forever ever. Forever ever?
Forever might have seemed too long to take a knee
For racist national anthems that's televised on TV
But Kaepernick's intentions were good, he wish he could
Do more in his position to keep the chatter #blacklivesmatter
Radio Raheem, Muhammad Ali, David Bowie
Death hit celebrities really hard in oh sixteen, man
Have you seen my pen-pineapple-apple-pen?
Had it when we did the challenge mannequin
That weed that mama found in Wendy's fries
Was meant for Gary Johnson and his glaucoma eyes "And what is Aleppo?"

I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy
I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy


"If Hillary wins, the game's rigged"
No kidding, nigga, you rigged it
You see your cozy homey Comey
Pulled some Weiner email shit
The Access Hollywood bus tape
Should've easily knocked you out
Billy Bush ain't got no job no more
But you somehow raise your clout
We saw the truth come out: America is made of xenophobia,
Racism, sexism, and every ugly spectrum on the hatred prism
So who we placing the blame on?
Republicans singing the same song
To let bygones be bygones
But they can go on and get the hell on
Them and their electoral college

I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy
I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy


I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy
I'm sorry, Bo Jackson (oooh!)
It's Twenty Sixteen
Why you're in commercials puzzles me
Like this twisted game of fantasy


I know you were singing along. I heard you. Your voice cracked on the "Forever? Forever ever?" part. But that's okay; that's what it's supposed to sound like. Thank you for being a trooper and reading along. If you want to relive some less work-intensive wrap ups such as 2015's 8 Mile Road parody or 2012's Hustlin' parody wonderfully produced by Black Francis Soyer, just click those years to get at those songs. Or click 2014, 2013, and 2011 for others. Or if you found reading to be fundamental, revisit 2010's and 2009's music-less submissions.

Turning to Gateway, it's the last game of the season for a third of us. Who still has something to fight for and who's just playing spoiler?

Black Francis Soyer: you're in.
The Black & The Goaled: you're in.
Detox: you're in.
Allstate Mayhem: you're in.
X: you're out.

Sorry, X. You put up some good numbers this season and your reward for that is the best available player of 2017. On the other end of the playoff spectrum, Black Francis and Black & Goaled have the 1st and 2nd seeds no matter what; we're just waiting to see who ends up in which.

We currently have seven teams at .500 or just one game below. This parity leaves the bottom half of playoff seeding a giant question mark. The way the matchups line up for Week 13, it is possible for us to end up with five 6-7 teams, three of which would make the playoffs. And, regardless of the games' outcomes, we will have at least two 6-7 teams in the playoffs. But no 5-8 teams. So you 5-7 teams have to win this week to get in.

Yours truly GameTime Decision and STLiens (both 6-6) square off for the lead of the South Division and a guaranteed spot in the playoffs. With the 4th most points in the league, even if GameTime loses, he should make the playoffs as the top 6-7 team. STLiens currently ranks lower in points than a couple 5-7 teams and would need those teams to also lose in order to survive a loss.

The other team of the South, EXPLOSIVE has little to no chance to win the division thanks to ranking 10th in points. At 54 or more points behind a couple 5-7 teams, EXPLOSIVE will need to win to guarantee his safety. Unfortunately, he goes up against 9-3 The Black & The Goaled who needs the win to claim the Vertical Conference championship and the money that comes along with it. Goaled is only 20.7 points behind his only competition, so a loss could still mean victory if BFS also loses and gets 20.8 points less than Black & Goaled this weekend.

Current 8th place seed Da,Pope seems to have a clear shot to keep that final playoff spot with a matchup against snake-bitten X. Pope must win to keep that spot, though. And he must stay within 15.7 points of the next closest 5-7 team.

That team is The Comeback Kid and, as mentioned, if he wins and outscores Da,Pope by 15.8, he will leap over Pope. In that scenario, Pope would still be safe if EXPLOSIVE were to lose, due to Da,Pope's current 69.9 point lead on EXPLOSIVE. Comeback faces off against another 5-7 team in OC Savage Blacks who ranks dead last in points. The only team that has yet to crack 1,400 points, OC needs the win AND needs every 5-7 team to lose in order to get that 8th seed.

The final 5-7 team Hitmen finds himself in the same predicaments as Savage Blacks and EXPLOSIVE: 1) he has a serious points deficit disadvantage, and 2) he's facing off against a 9-3 team that needs to win to take home conference money. Black Francis Soyer has been the #1 team of the league every week, except one, going all the way back to Week 6. But The Black & The Goaled has been breathing down his neck the entire way. It would truly suck to be the leader all this way only to lose it on the last week of the season. This game is a must-win for both Soyer and Hitmen, although Soyer will be playing in Week 14 no matter what. Hitmen needs to win AND needs Da, Pope and The Comeback Kid to lose AND needs OC Savage Black to not outscore him by 53.8 OR if Black does, then needs EXPLOSIVE to lose AND needs to outscore EXPLOSIVE by 34.4. That's a lot of scenarios.

Those are the playoff implications for the teams that haven't exactly clinched yet. But there is one last game that hasn't been mentioned and it has ramifications, too. West Division leader Detox takes on East Division leader Allstate Mayhem (both 7-5). Winner takes the Horizontal Conference crown. And the money, honey. Also, Detox is top of the league in points--waaaayyy up there. So a loss by Detox would drop him from 3rd place to no lower than 4th; he's in the top half of the bracket no matter what. With a loss, Allstate's seeding would depend on the winner of the GameTime-STLiens matchup. An STLiens win would keep Allstate in the 4th seed as long as STLiens doesn't outscore him by 14.1. A GameTime Decision win would drop Allstate to 5th (6th if EXPLOSIVE wins and miraculously outscores Allstate by 65.6).

In the world of game picks, EXPLOSIVE is king. After an astounding 15-1 pick performance this week, EXPLOSIVE furthered his lead on the rest of the pack to a gaping 6 games. I could've been 15-1 too this week, but I trusted the 49ers. I mean, they gotta win another one sometime, right?

*crickets*

Anyway, the pick 'ems goes all the way through the NFL Super Bowl-- Or do we cut it off after Week 17? I don't remember. Either way, there's at least five weeks for teams to catch EXPLOSIVE. With that much time left, even teams 11 games back have a shot.

And with that, we end another 13 weeks of That Bearded Mofo regular season fantasy articles. There have been 8 years of these. That means we old. I'm finna go lie down. See you in the next season, which is the post season.

~ That SpottieOttieDopaliscious Mofo ~



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