That Bearded Mofo

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Published Thu Dec 8, 2016 1:30am PST

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Bearded Mofo's War Journal
Thursday, December 8, 2016

This is the end. Almost.

Not many of these left. I've been writing from this battlefield eight years. Eight years straight now. I'm tired. Weary. Can't go on much longer. This has to be the end.

This year will be the last. ...

I write this from the fields of combat in search of peace. Peace and quiet.

Or is it "piece of quiet"? I was never really certain of that phrase. Just like is it "bite your tongue" or "bide your tongue"? "Ten of" or "ten to"? I choose "ten 'til". As in "This digression is going to go on until ten 'til forever."

What won't go on forever is fantasy participation. Four of us already got our walking papers from the fantasy grim reaper. X had purchased his gravestone weeks ago. Hitmen gave up the ghost due to internal complications: he had a bad DeAndre Hopkins. The Comeback Kid and his squad left the house without any 20s and got stomped out by a homeless mugger. And OC Savage Blacks bought a bus ticket to salvation; but just as he was about to step aboard, he got caught up in the tire treads and dragged for 10 city blocks.

They will all be missed, these ex-competitors. These ex-gladiators. These ex-men of valor. These ex-men of entry fees. These ex-men of fantasy transactions--my God, you ain't never seeing that money again. It's awful. What a waste.

Speaking of X-Men...


Magneto (Black Francis Soyer 10-3) vs. Cyclops (Da,Pope 6-7)
The Master of Win Magnetism versus The Single-Focused Defender

It's been three months since they last threw down and BFS hovered away the victor by a mere 5.1 points. Aaron Rodgers may have struggled with his real life team this season, but his fantasy team has been as vicious as a Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Black Francis has shielded opponents from getting in his head all season and, as a result, currently holds the win streak lead with 5 straight--his second 5-game win streak of the season. Meanwhile, Da,Pope must be seeing red after losing A.J. Green at crunch time. Pope had twice as many wins as losses in the back half of the season and that lasered him into the playoffs. But, posting a 127.04 average over the last five weeks, Pope doesn't seem like he's got his visor calibrated to make it past Soyer. Will Black Francis Soyer bend this playoff machine like a pretzel? Or will Da,Pope blast a hole through his adversaries?

Season Points Avg: Black Francis Soyer - 136.48 vs 129.68 - Da,Pope

Snikt! Da,Pope shoots a concussive blast of Philip Rivers and Tyrell Williams, but Black Francis Soyer deflects it with Crabtree and Hilton. Before Pope can dial up the pain with Jordy Nelson, Black Francis pulls all the iron from his body with Aaron Rodgers and crushes him under the weight of DeMarco Murray. Black Francis Soyer wins.

Colossus (The Black & The Goaled 9-4) vs. Gambit (GameTime Decision 6-7)
The Big Man of Steel versus The Explosive Cards In the Deck

The Black & The Goaled manhandled GameTime Decision 153 to 115.7 back in Week 4. Ten weeks later, Black & Goaled is ready to put a Russian bear hug on his brother all over again in the only conference matchup of the week. Melvin Gordon has completely transformed from last season, allowing B&G to hurl 150-point games around like Sentinel heads. On the other side, GameTime has been losing his spice, like a watered down bowl of jambalaya. Losing linebacker Luke Kuechly who was good for 10 points a game took away some of that kinetic energy for a couple of weeks. And each week, choosing between Luck and Dak at QB has been as hard as choosing between wearing a trench coat or a leotard. GTD made it into the playoffs by having the 4th most points in the league which came from being boom or bust ever week. Is this week boom or is it bust? Will The Black & The Goaled lay down a steel leg drop? Or will GameTime fling a full house of Cajun ka-boom?

Season Points Avg: The Black & The Goaled - 133.28 vs 132.35 - GameTime Decision

Snikt! The Black & The Goaled hurls a fastball special of Kirk Cousins which GameTime deflects with his bo staff of Andrew Luck. GTD counters with charged Jack Zach Ertz, Queen rookie receiver Malcolm Mitchell, King Doug Baldwin, and Ace Antonio Brown. The Jack and Queen fizzle out against the steely arms of Bell and Gordon, but the King and Ace take out the metallic legs of Thomas and Tate. GameTime Decision wins.

Wolverine (Allstate Mayhem 8-5) vs. Nightcrawler (EXPLOSIVE 7-6)
The Little Ball of Fury versus The Sneak Up Behind You

Every seven weeks these teams must fight. EXPLOSIVE got the win then, edging out Allstate 126.9 to 122.3. Those were the 7th and 8th highest scores in Week 7. That was a long time ago and Allstate's mind is fuzzy now: he doesn't remember how to lose. He has quickly healed from the injuries inflicted by a terrible Todd Gurley. Averaging 143.63 over the last three weeks, Mayhem looks to cause mayhem by tearing up the playoffs with fist daggers Brady, Bryant, and David Johnson. Snikt! At times, EXPLOSIVE has been terrifying to look at with his three-fingered hand of Julio, Beckham Jr. and Shady McCoy. EXPLOSIVE disappeared early in the season. (Remember Can't get right, anyone?) Then bamf he was back. He dipped out again in the mid-late season but reemerged just in time to secure playoff placement. Will Allstate Mayhem slice up the competition? Or will EXPLOSIVE bamf his way to the top?

Season Points Avg: Allstate Mayhem - 130.32 vs 125.05 - EXPLOSIVE

Snikt! Allstate Mayhem sniffs out EXPLOSIVE before he can sneak attack with LeSean McCoy. EXPLOSIVE places a devastating kick with Julio Jones, but Mayhem quickly heals with Dez Bryant. Mayhem swipes with Brady, swipes with David Johnson. Brady, Johnson, Brady, Johnson. EXPLOSIVE dodges each swipe, disappearing and reappearing in another corner. EXPLOSIVE grabs Allstate by the neck with Odell Beckham Jr. and teleports his head to the other side of the room. EXPLOSIVE wins.

Juggernaut (Detox 7-6) vs. Iceman (STLiens 7-6)
The Unstoppable Maniac versus The Cool Mr. Clutch

It has only been four weeks since they faced off so the wounds are still fresh in STLiens embarrassing 105.7-point performance. Detox bowled him over the same way he does all his opponents: with Ezekiel Elliott. He's Detox, bitch! Drew Brees is the protective head dome of the team averaging 30.39 of Detox's weekly points onslaught. How the team started the season 2-5 is a mystery because it was non-stop wreckage for Detox the second half of the season. The same period was a work freeze for STLiens. Three straight losses beginning with the matchup with Detox and a points average of 105.9 over that time took the South Division lead away from STLiens. But he got his cool back in Week 13 with the reemergence of running back Jordan Howard. Matty Ice has been nice all season too, and could be the key that allows STLiens to skate through the playoffs. Will Detox battering ram through the post season? Or will STLiens put the freeze on his enemies?

Season Points Avg: Detox - 138.92 vs 128.63 - STLiens

Snikt! STLiens flings snowballs Olsen and Wallace at Detox but they bounce right off that Brees dome. Detox charges with Mike Evans and Jamison Crowder. STLiens freezes Detox's legs with some Matt Ryan. Detox is slowed down, but soon breaks free and charges full steam with Ezekiel Elliott. He barrels over STLiens knocking him clean into next month's issue. Detox wins.

Good luck to everybody who's not playing against me this week. Just remember, we can't all win, but we can't all lose either. Those sound like wise words, but really they're just obvious baloney. By the way, Obvious Baloney was the nickname the ladies gave me in college. I was not popular. Happy Round 1, everybody!

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~That Phalanx Covenant Legion Quest Mofo~

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