That Bearded Mofo

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American Beauty and the Beasts of the Southern Wild

Published Sun May 10, 2015 6:30pm PST

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I've called you here today to talk to you about a very important issue.

Dog-rat cohabitation.

As this Instagram page shows, dogs and rats have learned to partner up. Perhaps this came about after a night of drinking and bonding over their mutual hatred of cats. Who knows? All we know is that this is real and it could spell doom for mankind.

Sound ridiculous? Well, a lot of stories sound ridiculous and I've found a few of them for you today. It's the perfect time to play the association game. For those of you unfamiliar, this is where we take a look at the headlines and, through state-of-the-art stream-of-consciousness technology, we determine how valid some of these stories might actually be. For instance, TV personality and Ozzy gibberish interpreter Sharon Osbourne claims she used to mail doo doo to her critics. P and U. Is she for real?

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Sharon Osbourne > Sharin' is carin' > Doobie > Doodie

A slim 3 connections say the former reality show matron is the Unapooper. And the fewer the connections, the more likely the story. It's like golf or genital size: the lowest number wins. Now that you know how it's done, let's jump right into our first non-fantasy season, non-political edition of the association game.

Association 1
Spoiler alert: Big Bird is just a man in a puppet suit. I'm not sure how he fits in there or where they put the bones of the real Big Bird, but I thought you should know. Anyway, that man, Caroll Spinney says that the large yellow avian was supposed to have been on the space shuttle Challenger during its tragic 1986 mission. Could we really have lost Bird? And how would we have explained it to Snuffy?

Big Bird > Pterodactyl > Not a bird

Okay, that died pretty quickly because I don't know science. Let's try it again.

Big Bird > Sesame Street > Bert and Ernie > Ernie Hudson > Hudson River > "Cry me a river (Yeah, yeah)" > Timberlake > Swan Lake > What the f**k was going on in that movie?! > 2001: A Space Odyssey > Interstellar > A Different World > Dwayne Wayne > John Wayne > "Pilgrim." > Mayflower > Mayweather > Dodge > Challenger

Boy, real definitive there. With 18 connections, it looks like the answer is maybe. Would've gone a lot better if you just let the pterodactyl be a bird. Why do you hate on the pterodactyl so much?

Association 2
After being stabbed and carjacked, a pizza delivery guy still made his appointed delivery. It's not delivery, it's DiGiohmygod!Whathappened?! Did he really finish the job first and ask medic later?

Pizza delivery > Baby delivery > OB/GYN > Lady doctor > Lady Footlocker > Mall > "It's just like... It's just like... a mini-mall. Hey hey! You heard me. Come shop. I said flea market. Montgomery." > Montgomery Bus Boycott > Dr. King > Dr. Pepper > Dr. J > Julius Erving > Julius Caesar > Stabbed

Only 13 connections say that's not marinara on that box.

Association 3
A Florida couple was caught having sex on the beach. They'd be pretty embarrassed if they weren't too busy being terrified of the 15-year prison sentence they're about to get. Can you really get 15 in the pokey for a little pokey pokey?

Sex on the beach > "Drank" > Kendrick Lamar > Kendrick, Anna > Pitch Perfect > Mr. Perfect > WWF > Wtf > Fml > Lmfao > FAO Schwartz > "May the Schwartz be with you" > Spaceballs > Outer space > Pluto > Disney > "Walt!" > Lost > Plane crash > Harrison Ford > Indiana Jones > Explorer > Dora the Explorer > Mexican girl > Quinceañera > 15 years

Okay. 25 connections? Yeah, it's pretty stupid somebody could spend a Kylie Jenner in prison for pulling a Kim Kardashian in public.

Association 4
That bastion of healthiness, McDonald's is going green with kale. I've already given you my 129-word opinion on the explosively popular vegetable. It looks like Mickey D's opinion is "We'll do whatever it takes! We need your money!" Are they really trying to serve up two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a side of green roughage?

McDonald's > McNuggets > Six piece > One piece > Swimsuit > Lawsuit > Courtroom > 12 Angry Men > 12 drummers drumming > 11 pipers piping > 10 lords a-leaping > 9 ladies dancing > 8 maids a-milking > 7 swans a-swimming > 6 geese a-laying > 5 golden riiiings! > Sonic the hedgehog > Sega > Genesis > The B-I-B-L-E > The BMOC > The HNIC > The N-word > Words that start with "N" > Nair > Hairy legs > Crab legs > Jameis Winston > Winston Zeddmore > Ghostbuster > Pac-Man > Pellets > Hamster food > Hipster food > Kale

Took an obese 34 connections to get there, which means it doesn't quite make much sense to me. I mean, Grimace didn't get that way by eating leafy greens.

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Lookin' fine for the summertime.

Association 5
A Nebraska woman is suing all gay people who...are gay. All of them. On behalf of God and Jesus. God and Jesus declined comment, but I imagine their response would be something to the effect of "No thanks." I've never heard of a reverse class-action lawsuit. Does she have a case here?

Nebraska > Cornhusker > Corn-fed > Beef > Bull > Bullshit

Hmm... That was a quick 5 connections. Seemed almost too easy. And a little bit unfair to Nebraska. Maybe we should run this through again. Try it a little differently.

Sue for Jesus > Jews for Jesus > Jews > Crews > Tom Cruise > Scientology > John Travolta > John Cena > "You can't see me." > Invisible Man > Black book > MacBook > MacBook Air > Thin case

Only 13 connections, which isn't bad, but... This could be better, right?

Sue homosexuals > Two homosexuals > 2 Stupid Dogs > Just plain stupid

Get right to the point with 3 connections. I would also have accepted Stuck on stupid, Stupid is as stupid does, or Stupid thin case bullshit.

We started from the top, now we here. Actually, we started with a muppet, so why not end with one? Here's one last linker for the road.

Association 6
Scientists have discovered a new frog species that resembles Kermit. If you just said, "Kermit who?" I invite you to punch your parents in the face for your crappy childhood. Is nature really imitating entertainment?

Real frog > Real deal > Holyfield > Holy Land > Middle East > Middle Earth > The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug > Dragon breath > Dentyne Ice > Vanilla Ice > Vanilla Sky > "Sky rockets in flight. (Pyew!) Afternoon delight." > "Rapper's Delight" > Sugar Hill > Anita Hill > Judge Clarence Thomas > Puppet

Just 16 connections tells me, inside a cave somewhere, there's a bear with shag carpet fur growling Laffy Taffy jokes.

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"I could kill you with one swipe. Wocka wocka wocka!"

I hope you enjoyed today's diversion. For previous editions of the association game which sussed out a peeing weatherman, a 7-year-old's klansman halloween costume, the best show in television history, and many more, check out the fantasy football archives.

And when the dog-rat armada eventually comes for us, remember I warned you here first.

~That Pet Skeptical Mofo~

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